If you’re waiting to find out what it’s like to find someone hot, waiting, waiting, waiting, and it’s just not happening, you’re not alone. I’ve been there too.
If you find yourself retreating into your shell when the conversation turns to dating or sex, you’re not alone. I’ve been there too.
If you wanted a relationship because that’s what you’re supposed to do, not because that’s what you want to do, you’re not alone. I’ve been there too.
If you end up in a relationship and nothing feels natural and everything feels like you’re acting in a play but have never read the script, you’re not alone. I’ve been there too.
If you’ve had sex and found it boring, you’re not alone. I’ve been there too.
If you went through high school without going on a single date, you’re not alone. I’ve been there, too.
If you went through college without going on a single date, you’re not alone. I’ve been there, too.
If you’re desperately searching for something that will turn you on, and constantly come up empty, you’re not alone. I’ve been there, too.
If you looked at someone’s naked body in a sexual situation with more scientific curiosity than erotic desire, you’re not alone. I’ve been there, too.
If you’ve ever been baffled by why a sex scene was included in something, you’re not alone. I’ve been there, too.
If you’ve sat on the stairs alone, for hours, staring at the wall and wondering just what in the hell is wrong with you, why can’t you be normal, why aren’t you interested like everyone else is, you’re not alone. I’ve been there, too.
If you suddenly realized, hours after someone talked to you, that the person was trying to flirt with you, you’re not alone. I’ve been there, too.
If you’ve felt that you’re masturbating wrong, because everyone says you have to think of someone while doing it, and you never have, you’re not alone. I’ve been there, too.
If you find the entire concept of sexting completely baffling, you’re not alone. I’ve been there, too.
If you find the entire concept of fantasizing completely baffling and impossible to do, you’re not alone. I’ve been there, too.
If you’ve ever told someone who’s trying to give you an erotic webcam show to “Go upstairs and put on a more comfortable shirt if you don’t like the one you’re wearing”, you’re not alone. I’ve been there, too.
If you hear people talk about how horrible it is that they haven’t had sex for a month, and you wonder what’s so hard about it, because it’s been far longer for you and you don’t care, you’re not alone. I’ve been there, too.
If you’ve ever completely frozen when someone starts hugging or kissing you, because you simply do not know how to respond, you’re not alone. I’ve been there, too.
If you tried kissing and couldn’t figure out what’s supposed to be so appealing about it, you’re not alone. I’ve been there, too.
If you’ve felt that people around you are just faking their interest in sex to seem cool, you’re not alone. I’ve been there, too.
If you sometimes feel like you’re a failed man because your parts work, but you don’t want to use them with someone else like everyone says you’re supposed to be doing, you’re not alone. I’ve been there, too.
If you’ve been in a conversation with a group of other people, when suddenly it turns to which celebrity is the hottest, and the only thought that comes to your mind is “Please don’t ask me because I can’t answer that”, you’re not alone. I’ve been there, too.
—
I eventually discovered that I’m asexual. Maybe that’s what you are. Maybe not. I’m not going to pretend to have all the answers. I just want you to know that you’re not alone. I’ve been there too. Really, I have. Sometimes I’m still there, lost and confused. But I’ve kept going, and you can keep going, too.
If you’re there now, you can talk to me. If you want me to say more about any of these things, just to hear what I went through, I can do that. (I’ve already written about many of these experiences, either here in the archives, or on my site: http://www.asexualityarchive.com/)
And if you’re someone who’s been somewhere, feel free to reblog and share where you’ve been, so others know they’re not alone. Let’s keep going together.
Thank you. A lot of these points sound just like me in clearer words than I could give. It was a real relief to read this and know thete’s someone who’s pretty much like me. I used to not like that when I was younger but I like it now, because it means i’m not alone. And you’re not alone either, now :D
I agree. This feels like me. I’ve always accepted & like myself for what makes me different. I never really felt alone, other than just noticing that I was the only one like that.
Thank you for this website. You have really helped me come to terms with who I really am.
This is really powerful. It’s been an interesting four or five years since I discovered the term asexuality. In the last year, there have been so many wonderful things created by members of the community that have been really inspiring. Thank you for all your hard work on the asexuality archive. I wish it had been around when I was originally researching asexuality; there were a couple of posts that resonated with me enough that I might have identified as ace earlier. Thanks :)
Good luck in your ace journey! I’ve known I am ace for 15 years & I’m still learning new stuff about asexuality.
I’m glad that others are going through the same problems and that I’m not alone. HS is a trying time and I’m not too keen on jumping into the loft with anybody and touch with other people has been hard be cause of prior parental issues. I have no problems with seeing or drawing the act of sex ( I’m even considering going into the path of illustrating homoerotic novels). But it just feels strange when I think about sex -like I’m not connected with my body. I’m confused about what it means to feel like one can have sex if they were a boy but not as a girl. I say I’m underneath the category of ace because it is easier to describe than the gender cluster fuck currently going on. Can someone please answer me? Anyone?
You might be tired of hearing this, but in all honesty, thank you. These characteristics, as well as your series “Possible Signs of Asexuality”, for about 85% of all of these combined, described me perfectly, and now I fell more at peace with myself… more comfortable with myself. I don’t believe “thank you” does enough for how grateful I am to finding this website, and will continue to follow this website for a reference to keep positive about myself.
I agree. This feels like me. I’ve always felt comfortable with myself for what makes me different. I never really felt alone, other than just noticing that I was the only one like that.
Thank you for this, but… what comes after? I’m in my 60s and just want to cry over my lifetime of faking, of people telling me I’m frigid or neurotic or just too self-centered or out of touch with my sexuality blah blah blah… I have so many questions but they’re all just stuff that I wondered about all my life and pretended to know the answers to because everyone else seemed to know the answers, but I never had anyone I could ask. Where does one go to find out?
I believe my father is in the same situation. He’s in his 60’s & may be asexual like me. Good luck with your asexual journey & finding answers.
I’m reeling from this site. Tears running down my face, mind non-functional reeling. Thank you. So much of what you’ve written makes sense to me. It doesn’t solve my problem of being in a relationship with a non-asexual, but it’s a good start.
So much in here feels like me too. I have never had a first kiss & next year I’ll be a 40 year old virgin.
>If you’ve been in a conversation with a group of other people, when suddenly it turns to which celebrity is the hottest, and the only thought that comes to your mind is “Please don’t ask me because I can’t answer that”, you’re not alone. I’ve been there, too.
This is the most relatable thing I’ve ever read….
Thanks! Most of this sounds like me. I’ve never had a first kiss & hugs always make me feel uncomfortable, even with family and friends. My mother loves hugs and used to make little comments about it.
“oh, everyone likes hugs.”
And then I was forced into another one. But now I think she understands. She’s always accepted me as ace, but never knew that my lack of hugging was due to that.
And I’ve never had sex. In fact, in six months I’ll be celebrating my 40th birthday. I have an idea: I’m going to have a 40 year old virgin celebration. Being a virgin for so many years feels like an accomplishment that should be celebrated. I don’t need to be embarrassed about it.
I’m not going to lie about this, but I cried while reading this because of the, “I’ve been there, too.” As a person who has, over the years, learned more and more about myself (especially over to quarantine) I feel it’s safe to say that I’m more on the asexual side of being demisexual (someone who wants a relationship after having a deep emotional attachment first). I love the idea of a relationship with someone but something like sex scares me away from having a relationship because, from experience, others are just in it for physical affection. I’m currently writing an essay on the topic of asexuality and this post has helped me more than you would know, so thank you, wholeheartedly. :) For others who are confused about things like sexuality and gender, don’t be. I know you want to put a label on it, I did too, but there is time. Self-growth comes over the years and you will find it out if you are willing to wait. You’ll know when it’s right! <3
I had a bit of a bizarre conversation recently. Someone was talking to me about feeling like a woman has to do with being heterosexual & since I’m asexual, i must have been confused about my gender. As far as i know, gender & sexuality are two seperate things. I don’t mean to offend anyone if you feel differently about this. As for me, i have still always felt feminine even though I’m asexual. For me, one does not relate to the other. My asexuality does not affect how i feel as a female.