Missing a Permission Slip

Posted on December 16, 2017 by asexualityarchive

[Content Warning: Discussion of masturbation and sex and stuff.]

Not too long ago, over on Asexual Activities, there was a discussion about aces having trouble masturbating in one way or another. So I started writing about the problems I encountered learning how to do it. Along the way, I realized that there was something else getting in the way that I’d never really thought about too much. It’s always been there and the strength of it comes and goes, but it touches pretty much every interaction I have with sexuality.

I don’t feel like I have permission to have sexuality. It doesn’t feel like it’s mine. It’s like I stole it from someone else and I’m going to get in trouble if someone finds out that I have it. And I’ve never read the instructions, so I have no idea how to use the thing anyway.

I know that sort of sounds like guilt or shame, but it doesn’t really feel like that’s what it is. Guilt or shame implies that I think I’m doing something shameful or that I’m guilty of doing something wrong. I know it’s not anything that’s wrong and I know it’s not anything that’s shameful. It’s like one day I discovered that there was a mysterious $1000 deposit in my bank account. It’s not mine, I don’t know where it came from. I should tell the bank that they made a mistake, but everyone else says that they got the same mysterious deposit, and they’re going around spending it, with the bank’s blessing. But I don’t know what to spend it on and it doesn’t really belong to me, so I keep it in the account. I check on it once in a while, and it’s always still there.

Let’s start by getting some terminology out of the way. I’m not using “sexuality” as a synonym for sexual orientation. I am asexual, and that’s not in doubt. It’s likely even a large contributor to why I feel this way. I’m using “sexuality” to refer to my feelings, thoughts, interactions, reactions related to sex and other stuff in that general neighborhood.

Now, some statements of fact which feel relevant to what I’m going to talk about: I own a penis. I experience physical arousal. There are external factors which sometimes cause physical arousal. I masturbate. I enjoy it. I have sex toys. I look at porn. I have had sex twice. Fifteen years ago. I live alone. I am asexual.

When I hit puberty and first learned how to masturbate, it was something beyond top secret and fraught with peril. Messages from all over were telling me how terrible it was. You’ll go blind! You’ll grow hair on your hands! You’ll go sterile! It’s a sin! It was something only losers did. My ultra-Christian neighbor from an American Taliban household even gave me a mixtape that had a Christian Punk song about how “Masturbation is artificial sex” that probably detailed the eternal fiery horrors that awaited those who went downtown. (Fun fact: The pervy neighbor kid mentioned in the other post? Same guy.) Of course, none of those messages were coming from my parents. They never talked to me about it, but I suspect their thoughts would have been “Lock the door and clean up after”. But those messages were so pervasive from other places that they absolutely tainted how I felt, even though I didn’t believe most of them.

And it tainted what I did. No one could ever find out. I would take precautions worthy of an undercover agent. Only in the shower, where the evidence will be washed away and if someone walks in, I can say I’m just cleaning it, nothing else going on. Eventually, that expanded to being willing to do it while sitting on the toilet, but in that case, I had to use toilet paper to wrap myself and catch every drop. (Not sure how I was going to explain that if someone walked in…)

Either way, securely locked in the bathroom was the only place I was willing to do it for years. On extremely rare occasions, I would grab a bit of hand lotion from the front room, but that felt like a mission behind enemy lines. The house had to be vacant and expected to remain that way for hours if not days, all the doors were locked and checked, all the rooms were cleared, and then I’d make my move, grabbing a bit of lotion and running to the safety of the locked bathroom. I was terrified that every milliliter of lotion was being tracked and that I’d be discovered, so I did not do this often.

Eventually, I worked up the courage to try it in my bedroom. I think my parents were going to be gone for the weekend, and I was home alone. I triple checked the house to make sure it was empty, closed all the curtains in the house, checked the garage to make sure their car was gone, locked all the doors, then went into my bedroom and locked that door, too. I didn’t strip naked and get comfortable on my bed in order to have the most relaxed and pleasant experience possible. Instead, I was kneeling in front of my bedroom window, watching the driveway through a crack in the blinds, just in case. I kept my clothes on and did the deed through my fly. Not only was it all wrapped up in toilet paper, I added a layer of paper towel, to be extra special sure that everything would be contained. That happened maybe twice, total. Too risky.

Masturbation was something I did, but not something I felt I was allowed to do. It felt good, but it really wasn’t something I was able to enjoy, because I constantly had to be on guard or taking steps to hide the evidence.

I mention all of this, not to tell funny/embarrassing stories of my youth, but to detail how secret and forbidden I felt the whole thing was, and the lengths I felt I had to go to to conceal it. And certainly, I’m sure that other teenagers went through the same sorts of cloak-and-dagger routine to hide what they were doing. But some of that never left me.

Fast forward, years later. I have my own place. I knew by then that masturbation was common and that it didn’t cause random hair growth, etc. It had, by then, largely turned into something I was able to enjoy. But there were still limits. It was still done in the shower most of the time. I was able to occasionally work up the nerve to do it naked and relaxed in bed, but that was rare. I lived alone. No one would catch me, no one would know, but still, it somehow felt like the locked bathroom was the only truly private, safe place I had.

I had moved beyond using toilet paper and had discovered that various lubricants worked much better. But those had to be purchased. At a store. Where I had to get them off a shelf. Where I had to walk around the store with the item in my cart. Where a checkout clerk had to scan them. They are going to know. They are going to know why I’m buying hand lotion. They are going to know and they are going to report me.

Buying sex toys was a multi-faceted operation. First, finding the toy involved a lot of false starts and cleared search history. When I finally found something, it was probably a couple of weeks before I actually made the purchase. I used a second browser and completely cleared out the history when I was done. No one else ever used my computer, but you could never be too careful. (Not to mention the fear that the computer would somehow glitch out and start forwarding the order receipt to everyone I knew, or that it would set a picture of the item as my wallpaper and not let me change it.) Then, when the item arrived, it was dropped off at the leasing office, so I had to go in to pick it up. They have x-ray eyes or the box broke open so they know somehow. They know. They’re all going to laugh at me and I’m going to get evicted now. I even remember thinking that my new job would find out about it somehow and fire me.

Who did I think was going to find out my dark secret? Why did I think it was a dark secret? I knew there was nothing wrong with it, but why did it feel wrong?

But no, not wrong. Not bad. Not in itself. It wasn’t about someone discovering that I masturbate, it was about someone discovering that I was in possession of something that didn’t belong to me. That act, those feelings, that glimmer of sexuality, I wasn’t supposed to have that. I could pretend that it was mine, I had learned how enough of it worked to get by, but in the end, it wasn’t mine. And any time I tried to embrace a part of it or expand on what I knew, that put me at risk of the whole thing falling apart. Changing routine is what gets you caught.

I’ve been talking about masturbation a lot, because that’s my primary interaction with the world of sexuality, it’s not just that I feel like this about. Anything remotely sexual seems to set off the same alert buzzers in my head. I remember agonizing for a month about whether or not I should stop by the Student Health Center at college to pick up a free condom, because it seemed like a good idea to know how they worked. Even when I went to the health center a couple of times for something unrelated, I couldn’t bring myself to grab a few, because someone might see me. For years, any sort of undressing had to be done within the protection of the locked bathroom. I couldn’t change at the closet where all the clothes were. If I didn’t have a towel after a shower, I would have to dart to the hall closet to get one, after carefully peeking my head out the door to make sure no one was around. Sleeping in the nude was right out. Hell, sleeping in anything less than full clothes on even the hottest nights wasn’t something I felt I could do. (And this is all when I lived alone in my own apartment and there was no reasonable expectation that anyone would be there.) Whenever coworkers or friends talk about sex, I tend to shut off and pull back into my shell. Certain types of sex scenes in movies make me uncomfortable to watch. Beaches in Hawaii were unpleasant because of the amount of skin present.

While things have changed and gotten better over the years, this still comes up even today. I rarely go downstairs in my house unless I’m fully dressed. I still think that the mail carrier and neighbors will know what’s in certain packages I get, or that some package thief will grab one and blackmail me over what’s inside. Any book that’s remotely sex related (Even a general anatomy reference guide) doesn’t get put on the bookshelf, it gets hidden. So does any movie with “too much sex” in it. I’ll clear my clipboard if I ever copy/paste something remotely sexual. I’ll hide the hand lotion whenever someone comes over. Sex toys are removed from the closed cabinet in the headboard (that no visitor would ever open) and hidden in the closet. I even feel weird about having a box of tissues near my bed, because of the potential association it might have, even though I really do only use them to blow my nose. And I’ll censor what I talk about or feel weird about posting on Asexual Activities, even though that was deliberately designed to be an uncensored place to talk about those sorts of things.

And it’s not a general “Sex is bad, run away” reaction, either. When I’m in a scenario where I have permission, where sexuality is expected, it’s fine. When I had a girlfriend, we did sexual things. I was awkward and I had no idea what I was doing really, but I didn’t feel like I shouldn’t be doing any of it. At work, I had to test the adult filter settings on a service we ran, which basically meant searching for porn all day and making sure that the nudie pics showed up in the results or were blocked, depending on the settings. That was just doing my job. And I can dive in and research all sorts of random things for people who have questions on Asexual Activities, without any issues at all. But if I want to know about those things personally, I get a bit nervous.

So, what’s going on? Why do I feel this way? Why do I have so many blocks and caution signs put up around so many expressions of sexuality, even when they’re completely private? Well, the two broad areas that I think are coming into play here are society’s views on masturbation (specifically male masturbation) and the fact that I’m asexual, and the way those two things interact.

Society basically requires men to masturbate. If you don’t, you’ll be a two pump chump, your balls will fill up and explode, you’ll become a slobbering ball of horniness, and you’ll get cancer. But masturbation is only permitted in very specific scenarios. It must only be done when there isn’t a suitable partner available, and when it is done, it must be done while fantasizing about an acceptable person. And regardless, you’ll be mocked and ridiculed for doing it. You’re a pervy loser who can’t get laid.

Masturbation is seen as a replacement for “real” sex. You’re not supposed to do it if real sex is available. If you are forced to do it, due to a lack of real sex, you must be imagining having real sex with someone while you do it. It is not to be done within the context of a relationship, unless it somehow involves your partner, because the involvement of your partner allows you to claim that you’re doing it for them. It’s never permitted to be pursued in its own right, it must always be a substitute, never the main event, and any pleasure you take from it must be surrogate pleasure that’s being provided on behalf of your fantasy.

You can use porn to help, but not too much of it or the wrong kind of it. Oh, and by the way, any amount is too much and any kind is the wrong kind. Possession of nudity in all forms makes you a pervy loser worthy of mocking and ridicule. (Unless it’s an oil painting, a sculpture, or soft-focus photograph, then that’s art and therefore perfectly acceptable. But you’re not permitted to be aroused by that in any way.)

Sex toys are an absolute no when you’re alone. If you’re a pervy loser for masturbating, you’re an especially pervy loser if you use a toy. If you’re using a toy, you’ve given up hope of ever getting “real sex”, so you’re trying to find a second-rate simulation with a sleazy blow up doll. You’re so perverted that you’d rather fuck a rubber pussy than use your hand. And if the toy gets you off, you must have the hots for an inanimate object. It doesn’t help that sex toys for men have a stigma of being creepy and weird (likely because so many of them actually are creepy and weird).

And finally, look at how it’s portrayed and discussed. If it’s ever brought up in a movie or a TV show, it’s a punchline. When it’s mentioned in the news, it’s universally negative. It’s a peeper at a window, a creeper in the bushes at the park, or a movie executive abusing his position. It’s never a positive sexual health piece about how it’s normal and safe and fun and here’s these awesome toys to try. There are dozens of examples of where masturbation for women is held up as an empowering act, an important skill to learn. Hell, there’s one movie where it literally brings color to a dull black and white town, with so much energy that it sets a tree on fire. But when it’s a man involved, he’s invariably a dirty, pervy overly horny creep who can’t control himself.

That sort of constant stream of negative messages will really mess you up.

Being asexual adds a number of complicating layers on top of an already complicated situation.

I mentioned earlier that I felt like I didn’t have permission to have sexuality. Well, a huge part of that is that it feels like my own body never gave me permission. It physically responds when prompted, yes, but that’s all mechanical. It seems like other people will start to become interested in sexual things, and think “Am I allowed to do this? Do I have permission?”, and their body will respond with a resounding, hormone charged “YES”. Yes, you have permission to think you’d like to have sex with that person, in fact, why don’t you think about that when you touch yourself and it’ll make the whole thing better. My body doesn’t do that. My body’s all “What are you on about? I don’t understand what’s going on here. Do you need something?”

Sexuality in our culture is supposed to be directed at someone. You can only wear “sexy” clothes when you’re trying to attract someone, not because you like how they look or because they’re comfortable on a hot day. You can only masturbate if you’re fantasizing about someone and you’re treating it as practice for the “real sex” you’d rather have, not because you just want to get off. You can only have sex because you find someone attractive and want to share a moment with them, not because you just like the way orgasms feel when they’re provided by someone else. Your sexuality is never really yours. Even when it’s entirely in your imagination and private, there’s a part of it that’s directed outward, and it’s that part that makes it acceptable. But I can never do that. I can’t include anyone else. My sexuality isn’t directed at anyone, my asexuality won’t let that happen. My sexuality can never be acceptable.

And when an expression of sexuality isn’t directed outward, it’s treated as if there’s something being hidden. Touching yourself while imagining being with your partner, that’s fine. Jacking off to nudie pics, that’s fine. Pleasuring yourself to a fantasy about the person that was in front of you at the coffee shop that morning, that’s fine. Using a toy supposedly modeled on a porn star, that’s fine. But masturbating to nothing? Well, come on now, you just can’t do that. What are you thinking about? If you can’t say, then just what kind of dark, depraved secrets are you hiding?

I can’t even look at porn right. Porn is supposed to be fantasy fuel. I’m supposed to want to be there, I’m supposed to put myself in the scene, I’m supposed to imagine what I’d do with the person featured. Everything is supposed to be a stand-in for my penis. The cock on that guy is supposed to be mine. That toy is supposed to be my disembodied penis. Those fingers, are they supposed to be my fingers or my penis? I can never tell. And if there isn’t a surrogate penis in the scene, then I’m supposed to mentally introduce my own into the picture. Every shot, every angle, every position, they’re all designed to indicate that the surrogate cock or imaginary penis is being worked on. That seems to be how everyone looks at porn. That’s why that sort of porn is so prevalent, that’s how everyone describes their reaction to it, that’s even how people frame their objections to pornography, that it encourages lustful thoughts, because you’re imagining committing adultery and/or fornication.

But that’s not what it does for me. I never picture myself in the scene. I never teleport my penis onto another body or into the plastic shell of a toy. That doesn’t work for me. That sort of emphasis is dull and boring and leaves me confused, wondering whether people really like that sort of thing. This is supposed to be a turn on? That’s supposed to be hot? Doesn’t that chafe? Isn’t that tiring? I’m pretty sure I can’t bend that way. For most people, porn is a way for them to explore their sexuality, to let their fantasies wander. But for me, it’s a big wall. My body and my mind are just standing there saying “Nope, you don’t belong here.” I don’t have permission.

(And honestly, even when it’s a video I’ve taken of myself, I can’t put myself in the scene…)

That’s not to say porn never works at all. It does. Sometimes. Rarely. It’s best when the performers seem to genuinely be having a good time, doing things they actually want to be doing, instead of trudging through a script for the camera. My response feels more empathetic than sexual. They seem to be having a good time, doing things that feel good, so I can have a good time, doing things that feel good. But a lot of pictures and videos have to be clicked past to get to that sort of thing, and all that clicking and clicking feels like a chore, especially when I know that almost all of what I’m clicking past is going to be more than adequate for other people.

And I seem to be repulsed by the stereotypical “porn star” look. I don’t know if it’s the glossy fakeness of it all, or the overt, deliberate sexuality of it all, but something about it is a quick ticket to the land of “nope”. It’s not appealing and I don’t even remotely understand what is supposed to be appealing about it.

There are some people who I find pleasant to look at, but pretty much none of them would be considered “sexy” by a jury of my peers. And while it’s pleasant to look at them, it’s not a sexual pleasantness. Sex isn’t in the picture. If I try to fantasize about doing things with them, it all falls apart. In the rare event that there’s someone in porn that I find pleasant to look at, that certainly helps things, but I don’t understand why. I don’t think it’s anything about the pleasantness that’s subconsciously sexually enticing to me, because if that were the case, I’d be able to get the same enhancement by thinking about someone I find pleasant to look at that’s not in a pornographic context, but that doesn’t work at all. Maybe it’s that because it’s pleasant to look at them, I’m able to look at the images for a longer period of time without getting bored? Maybe I feel more comfortable? I don’t know, but the whole thing feels like there’s some sort of neuron in my brain that would normally be responsible for sexual attraction, but it’s confused and not wired up correctly, so it just spends its time taunting me. It’s arousing, but why?

The world of sex toys was not made for asexuals in mind. So much of it is driven by fantasy and an attempt to convince someone that it’s fine to use sex toys. It’s not a rubber tube that’s getting you off, it’s an anthropomorphized rubber replica of some porn star’s anatomy of choice, and so therefore, it’s really her that’s getting you off. Here are some direct quotes from the marketing of a few sex toys:

“Ever wondered what it would be like to bone me? Now you can screw me in the nastiest ways!”

“Let her love tunnel’s ribbed Cyberskin grip you so good as you slide home.”

“Flip this cheerbabe over and dive under her skirt for some steamy anal play!”

“Stop dreaming about your hot neighbor… and start doing everything you’ve fantasized about with her!”

To be clear, these were talking about 4-6 inch long rubber tubes. It wasn’t hard to find marketing copy like this. Pretty much every toy has something like it. That sort of thing does not enhance the experience for me at all. It just feels creepy and sleazy and misogynistic and makes me less interested in the product. Does that sort of thing even work for non-ace people, or are they just as skeeved out by it?

Most toys have some sort of anatomical features. Most common are labia, to resemble a vulva. But there’s also mouths and butts and breasts and feet. There’s even some that have mouth-breasts and foot-vulvas. Some toys claim to have a G-Spot or a cervix, neither of which ever resembles those actual structures. (Anatomy lesson for sex-toy makers: The cervix does not get penetrated during sex and it would likely be excruciatingly painful if that happened.) And for the more adventurous, there’s double-clitted aliens, zombie mouths, dragon cocks and mare vulvas. But whatever features they have, they all have a few things in common: They can’t be seen when the toy is in use, they have little to no effect on the sensations of the toy, and they usually drive up the price of the toy for no reason.

And even non-anatomical toys aren’t very ace friendly. One toy mentions that it’s great for use with a partner, another that its open ended design allows “added oral thrills” with a partner, another has product photos where it’s placed on a naked woman. And pretty much any toy that doesn’t look like a vulva is sold as a “blow job simulator”. When you try to buy a toy, you’re pretty much guaranteed to see some sort of genital depiction somewhere in the storefront. If you look up lists of the best sex toys of men or look at male sex toy review sites, it’s pretty much guaranteed that cock rings and vibrators will be on the list, and it’s always about how “you’ll drive her wild” when you use them. All of that is useless to me. There’s never anything about the softness or stretchiness of the toy. Dimensions are rarely mentioned. There’s never anything about how a ring changes sensations or how to effectively use a Magic Wand style vibrator on a penis. (I’m still trying to figure that last one out… Nothing I’ve tried is reliable.)

I masturbate because I like the way it feels. I use sex toys because I like the way they feel. It’s all about the physical feelings. It’s not about cleaning the pipes or about practicing for the Real Thing™. It feels good. Almost everyone else does it because it feels good, too, but no one’s allowed to admit it. So they pile up a wall of excuses and rationalizations made up of desires and fantasies and imaginary health concerns to justify it and protect themselves from having to admit that they do it because it feels good, because that would be wrong. And I don’t have any of those desires and fantasies, I don’t have anything besides the way it feels, so I’m all I’m left with is the feeling that it’s wrong.

And because I’m ace, I feel like I can’t talk about these things. In a non-ace context, everything about sexuality is foreign to me. I don’t understand the feelings, motivations, or goals that are in play. If I try to read about masturbation techniques or look at sex toy reviews, it usually ends up with someone talking about how they just thought about “the girl from the bar I fucked last week” or that the toy “feels just like a blow job”, neither of which is remotely useful for me. Every once in a while there’s something I understand, but it’s buried under an overwhelming mountain of stuff that just fundamentally does not make sense to me. And in an ace context, these things just don’t get discussed. All of these things are “sexual”, therefore they can’t be associated with an asexual person. Some aces are reluctant to talk about it because they think it makes them “less asexual” to do it. Some aces are reluctant to talk about it because they’re not comfortable talking in a semi-public arena about such things. Some aces are reluctant to talk about it because they don’t want to offend or alienate other aces. When I talk about it, and there’s little response, I can’t tell if no one’s paying attention, no one understands what I’m saying, no one feels comfortable talking about it themselves, or if what I’m talking about or the way I’m talking about it is dirty, pervy, and creepy, so it drives people away. So I feel like I’m not allowed to talk about any of it, even in the place that I created to talk about it.

There’s no place where the way I feel is allowed to exist.

What if I’m not averse to sex, but averse to sexuality? And not because it’s gross or disgusting, but because I can’t understand it. Maybe I feel like I don’t have permission because none of it makes sense, so it’s obviously not something I’m supposed to be a part of. It’s like I snuck into the field trip for the wrong class and we’re all at the planetarium of naked people, but asstronomy was never covered in my class. And it’s frustrating that I don’t understand it, because everyone else knows what’s going on. And so I play along because maybe there’s something out there which will unlock my sexuality, that somehow I’ll find my permission slip.

ETA:

On deeper reflection, it feels like a large part of it is that my sexuality is not typically desire-linked, yet the general cultural conception of sexuality is. So all these desire-linked concepts are being layered on my experiences by external forces, and I’m not comfortable with that. I’m supposed to be feeling sexual desire for someone, I’m supposed to be able to connect that desire to my actions, I’m supposed to be able to kindle that desire through surrogate objects. But that’s not what’s going on, don’t assume that’s what’s going on, don’t make me feel like I have to correct the record, don’t make me feel like I have to play along.

This outside overlay of desire-linked sexuality on top of what I’m feeling is alien, unwanted, invasive. I don’t really see masturbation as sexual in the way other people mean it. And so there’s a fundamental disconnect there which I keep trying to reconcile. It’s just something I do that feels good, but other people/society/whatever keeps trying to layer meaning on it, interject their own analysis and inferences and innuendo or whatever.

It’s not so much that I don’t have permission, it’s that in a fundamental way I don’t recognize the concept of sexuality as it exists for most other people. They’re using a different file format for sexuality, and I’m incompatible with it. I don’t know what to do with the data being passed to me and just end up throwing a bunch of internal exceptions.

An Asexual’s Guide To … Female Masturbation

Posted on October 20, 2013 by asexualityarchive

[Up to Masturbation | Main]

The techniques and details described in this post are not the only way to masturbate. They’re not the “correct” way or the “best” way. They may not even work for you. They’re provided as a base upon which you can experiment and learn what works for you.

Okay, so, I’ve got a clitoris and I want to try masturbating. How do I go about doing that?

First, note that the question said “clitoris” and not “vagina”. This is because your clitoris is generally where the action is at. It’s typically very difficult, if not impossible, to reach orgasm through vaginal stimulation alone. The vagina just isn’t that sensitive. So, if you’ve been unsuccessfully attempting to masturbate by penetrating or stimulating your vagina, and haven’t involved your clitoris at all, then stop. Take your fingers out. Move them to your clitoris. Now try rubbing there for a bit. If you give that a shot, you may find that you don’t even need to read the rest of this post. (That’s not to say that your vagina is completely useless while you masturbate, many people do find vaginal penetration to be a useful addition while masturbating, but it almost always takes a back seat to clitoral stimulation.)

Second, if you’ve ever seen masturbation in porn, forget pretty much everything you’ve seen. It’s probably all lying to you. Most of the time, “female masturbation” in porn is the fictional representation of what the stereotypical horny straight dude wants to believe is masturbation. It’s typically a carefully scripted and staged penetration-based fantasy that bears very little resemblance to how people actually masturbate. It might be good for a show, but it’s not generally good if you’re actually looking to have an orgasm. (Speaking of which, if the “masturbation” porn video even bothers to show an orgasm, which they rarely do, it’s almost certainly fake, too.)

In any case, the real first step is to get ready. Find a comfortable and safe position, where you’ll have enough time to experiment and try things out without being disturbed. This can be a bed, a chair, a bathtub, a shower, or wherever else. Lock your door if that would make you feel more comfortable. You may want to have a towel nearby so you can easily clean up afterward. You might even want to sit or lie on the towel so that it’ll soak up any wetness there might be. (If you’re in the shower or tub, then it’ll all just wash down the drain, so you don’t have to worry about that.) Finally, you may want some sort of lube to help things along. Your vagina may end up producing enough to use on its own. Saliva would also work However, if you want a little artificial help, then a lube specifically designed for sexual activity (typically called “personal lubricant”) is your best bet. Stuff like hand lotion, Vaseline, or baby oil typically have substances that could potentially lead to vaginal infections (not to mention that they’ll destroy latex condoms), so you should probably avoid them, and soap or shampoo may seem slippery, but they’ll dry you out and may irritate your sensitive bits.

Oh, and make sure your fingernails are nice and trimmed. You don’t want to accidentally cut anything down there.

All the prerequisites are taken care of, it’s time to get down to business. The most common and most straightforward way to masturbate is to use several fingers to rub circles on your clitoris repeatedly until orgasm. That’s the technique I’m going to explain here.

For this to work, you’re going to need access to your clitoris. I’d suggest taking off your pants and underwear, so it’s all out there and freely reachable. Or if you want, you can simply reach into your underwear and do it entirely inside your pants. Of course, it’s also possible to rub your clitoris through your clothes. Some people prefer this way, since they find more direct clitoral stimulation to be too intense, and this method has the added benefit of keeping all the fluids away from your hands.

It’s probably going to work a lot better if you’re aroused before you start going at it full speed. Arousal is where your clitoris fills with blood and peeks out of hiding and your vagina starts lubricating itself. At this point, most other resources will direct you to “Think of that hot guy in accounting” in order to get aroused, but since you’re here, I’m assuming you’re ace, so that’s probably not going to work so well for you. That means you’ll need to get one some other way. Of course, you might already be ready from reading this far and anticipating what’s next. Awesome, you’re ready to go! Then again, you may already know how to get turned on, in which case, proceed. Or, you can always wait until you become aroused naturally for some reason.

However, in many cases, you might have to help the kitten start purring when you want to use it. Here’s a few things you might try to get you up and running. Feel free to mix and match these techniques. If one doesn’t work on its own, it might work with the help of another.

Touch or rub your vulva. This may seem rather obvious, but it’s often effective. Don’t just poke at it, though. Cup your hand over the area, press against it, and start rubbing around in circular motions or side to side or front to back.
Caress your stomach or inner thighs. Try focusing on other areas around your vulva. Those regions are often fairly sensitive and may send a wake-up signal to your equipment.
Apply pressure to your vulva or your clitoris. Press against it with your hand. Tuck your leg up so that you sit in a way that your heel presses against your clitoris. Or sit or kneel over a pillow or bunched up blanket that is pressing against you.
Tense or clench your genital muscles. Try tensing the muscles that you use to hold back pee. Clench and hold, or repeatedly tense and release.
Touch, rub, or pinch your nipples. Your nipples may be a sensitive zone. Touching them or pressing on them may trigger arousal. Rubbing them or pinching them may also work.
Think about sex, look at porn, or read something erotic. Yeah, you’re asexual, but this still may work anyway. Don’t ask me why, I haven’t figured it out myself.
Use a vibrator. If you run a vibrator near, but not necessarily directly on your clitoris, you might start to become aroused.

Okay, now that you’re ready to go, it’s time to get going.

At this point, pretty much anything that rubs around your clitoris over and over may eventually lead to an orgasm. Some techniques are very effective, while others are a quick trip to carpal tunnel. I’m going to describe one of the most common techniques. Note that this is not the only way to masturbate. There are many variations that you can do, so I’d encourage you to experiment and improvise in order to find out what works best for you.

Reach down and place a couple of fingers or the palm of your hand on your clitoris. Press on it. It should be enough that you can feel the pressure, but not so much that it feels like you’re going to crush your clitoris. Start making small circles around your clitoris with your fingers and hands. It should be a smooth, continuous motion, like a wheel going around. Keep spinning these circles repeatedly.

You may find that your clitoris is too sensitive to be stimulated directly. If this is the case, try rubbing the clitoral hood, instead. The hood should slide over the head of the clitoris and provide a bit of a cushion. If that’s still too sensitive, try applying the pressure to a wider area, or try placing a towel or blanket over your clitoris as you rub or try masturbating through your clothing. It’s often the case that as you continue and get more into the experience, that more direct contact with your clitoris becomes tolerable, possibly even preferable.

If there’s too much friction or you want to try sliding around a bit more, try applying some lube. Start with just a little bit, like a drop or two, because it’s always easy to add more, but harder to get rid of too much. As I mentioned earlier, your vagina itself might be a good source for lube, otherwise saliva or an artificial personal lubricant would work.

As you continue to spin little circles, it should start to feel somewhat different downstairs. It probably will start to feel good. Varying the pressure you apply, the speed of the rubbing, the size of the circles, even how many fingers you’re using may all have an effect on how much pleasure you experience. Everyone is different. Some people like fast movement while others take it slow, but too fast may cause irritation and too slow may not be enough stimulation to keep yourself aroused. Some prefer a lighter touch and others prefer more pressure, but too light and you won’t feel anything and too hard and it might hurt. There’s no “perfect” speed or pressure, so you’ll have to experiment with what works best for you.

Okay, so, you’re circling round and round, and hopefully it’s starting to feel like you’re getting somewhere. There’s a misconception that you won’t feel much of anything until all of a sudden, BOOM! Orgasm. That’s typically not how it works. It’ll probably start to feel good well before the orgasm, with a small surge of pleasure with every rotation. You’ll start to get a feeling for which areas feel best, and you’ll start to focus on them. You’ll probably start to adjust your speed and pressure to maximize the sensation. Just keep at it like this.

Don’t worry about whether or not you have an orgasm. You probably won’t have one the first time you masturbate. Or first five times. Or maybe even your first hundred. Don’t try to force it and don’t feel discouraged if you don’t have one. It doesn’t mean you’re broken, it doesn’t mean you’re frigid, it doesn’t mean you’re unable to have one. More than likely, it just means you’re inexperienced. So, just relax and keep doing what feels good and trying different things when something doesn’t feel good, and eventually, you’ll probably get there. If it doesn’t feel like you’re getting anywhere this time, then stop for now, don’t sweat it, and try again later.

However, if it feels like you’re getting somewhere, keep going. As you proceed, the pleasure will probably increase. You may notice that your pulse and breathing have changed. Muscles all over your body may start to tense up or shake involuntarily. You may start to focus on the sensations and begin to tune the rest of the world out. Eventually, you may feel like you’re climbing a hill or pushing against a wall, that’s there’s a sense that something is about to happen, if you can just get there. You may even start to feel like you have to pee. At this point, a lot of people become nervous and think that something’s wrong or that they’ve hit a dead end, so they stop masturbating. Keep going, keep trying to get to the other side. You may want to change the speed and pressure of your rubbing at this point. A lot of people will go faster and press harder in an effort to get over that hill. You’re not far off from the orgasm, so keep going.

In some cases, your vagina might pulse or twitch when you’re at this stage. That’s not a sign that something’s wrong, it’s just your body preparing for what’s next. This doesn’t always happen, though, so don’t worry if it doesn’t happen to you.

Eventually, all that repetitive circling you’ve been doing will pay off. You’ll have a sensation that you’ve made it to the top of the hill and you’ll start coasting down the other side. This is the orgasm. Usually, there will be an intense surge of pleasure that lasts for several seconds. Often, there will be a series of rhythmic muscular pulses in your vagina, kinda like a very strong heartbeat. These pulses are often accompanied by a surge of pleasure. They’re roughly a second apart at the start, but they slow down and become weaker with each passing pulse. You can have from one to over ten of these pulses, but generally you’ll probably have somewhere between 3 and 7 of them. In some cases, a small amount of fluid will also be expelled from the vagina.

Your first few times, an orgasm may feel more weird than good. You’ve got muscles moving on their own in ways you’re not used to, you’ve got sensory input you’ve never had before, and maybe you even have strange liquids being expelled from your body. You may even feel slightly nauseous. It’s almost a guarantee that it won’t be a mind-blowing, world-shaking experience and it probably won’t be the best feeling ever. More than likely, you’ll get used to the sensations of orgasm over time and it’ll start to feel better as you go along.

After you orgasm, you’ll probably feel deeply relaxed. All the tension that had built up while you were climbing that hill has been released. At the same time, it’s possible that your clitoris has become very very sensitive. Trying to continue stimulating it can be unbearably intense. Even a light touch might be uncomfortable. You can let go of yourself at this point, but you may also enjoy the feeling of simply resting your hand on your vulva (without moving anything) for a while afterward. During this time, you’ll gradually lose your arousal and clitoral erection and your heart rate and breathing will return to normal.

Most people will stop at this point. In many cases, everything downstairs will want to take a bit of time to recharge. In some cases, however, you may feel like continuing onto a second (and maybe even third and fourth…) orgasm.

In any case, that’s just one of many ways that you can masturbate. As I’ve been saying all along, don’t be afraid to experiment and try other things. You’re the only person who can know what works best for you.

tl; dr: Spin little circles on your clit until you come.

What about the vagina?

It’s a misconception that the vagina is the primary source of sexual pleasure. This misconception leads many people to think that they’re physically incapable of sexual pleasure and orgasm, because they don’t get much out of vaginal penetration. When I ran a series of questionnaires to gather information for these posts, several of the responses said something similar to this: “When I was young, I tried masturbating. I dipped a few fingers in, didn’t feel anything, got bored and gave up. I feel like I’m broken down there.”

It’s disheartening to see things like that. It’s disheartening to know that things like that are not an isolated incident. Many people feel that way. And it’s not just some kind of sheltered asexual belief, many people who aren’t even remotely asexual think their parts don’t work because they don’t get much out of vaginal stimulation. It’s a failure in how we talk about sexuality and bodies and how everything is arranged that leads to this.

Sure, it seems like your vagina should be the center of good feelings, given that it’s a fairly notable feature downstairs and since it plays an important role in sexual intercourse. And so much porn is dedicated to vaginal penetration, I mean, it’s gotta be what important, right? But in reality, it’s not all that sensitive. The main source of pleasure is tucked away in your clitoris, that often overlooked nub at the edge of the vulva. That’s not to say the vagina is completely numb. Vaginal penetration can feel good, but it’s often not enough to reach orgasm.

However, it certainly can enhance the sensations while you masturbate, and there’s nothing wrong with vaginal penetration, if that’s what you want. In some cases, while you masturbate, you might even feel an urge to have something inside you.

If you decide to explore penetration, there are a few things to keep in mind. First, if you’re using your fingers, clip your nails! Sharp nails and folds of skin can lead to cuts, and cuts can lead to infections, and infections never lead anywhere good. Second, don’t put anything in there that shouldn’t go in there. Things you might find around the house that might seem like they’d fit are probably not a good idea. They might have hidden sharp edges or be home to all sorts of bacteria looking for a new home. (And they might belong to someone else, which would just be rude…) Use your fingers or something like a dildo or vibrator. Start small, and work your way up. It can be uncomfortable or even painful to put something in your vagina. You don’t even need something all that big to get some added sensation, often just a couple of fingers will do. And finally, don’t rush in! If you try to go in before your vagina is ready, it’ll probably be an unpleasant experience. Wait until you’re warmed up a bit and your vaginal walls have started to lubricate themselves. If there’s not enough lubrication, some saliva or personal lubricant should help with that.

What you do once you’re in there is up to you. You might enjoy moving your fingers (or whatever) in and out repeatedly. How deep you go or how shallow you stay and how fast or how slow you go is entirely up to your preference. You might just simply leave your fingers motionless and enjoy the feeling of fullness. You might want to explore and try to find your G-spot. (More about that later.) Or, you might decide that penetration really isn’t your thing after all and take your fingers out and never look back. Many people don’t get much out of vaginal penetration and don’t include it when they masturbate.

What if I don’t want to touch myself?

If you’re not a fan of direct contact with your genitals, you can try wearing a glove while you masturbate. You can also try masturbating with clothing or something else between your hand and your vulva. In either case, you can still use pretty much any technique as you otherwise would, including the circles method outlined above.

If that’s not your cup of tea, you can try using toys. Many dildos and vibrators are long enough that you can stimulate your clitoris with them, but keep your hands well out of the way.

Running water is often an effective hands-free masturbation technique. Turn on the bath faucet, adjust the temperature, then scoot up and let the water fall onto your vulva. If you have a hand held shower head, you can use that to direct a spray of water directly at your clitoris. And I’ve heard good things about Jacuzzi jets.

And if you don’t want to use hands at all, you can try grinding against something. Grinding is when you press your vulva against something so that there’s pressure on your clitoris, then rock your hips back and forth to stimulate yourself. This rocking motion should change the pressure point. You can grind against something like a pillow or bunched up towel or blanket, or against a piece of furniture or something similar.

Sitting on a running washing machine may work. The strong vibrations have been known to get the job done. (The same is true of driving on a bumpy road.)

You can try simply squeezing your thighs together repeatedly, as well. This action can stimulate your clitoris, and doesn’t require using anything else in the process.

What if I don’t like fluids?

Many of the techniques described above about masturbating without directly touching yourself can help here, as well. They all keep your hands away from the fluids. In particular, the techniques involving running water will do a pretty good job of washing away anything that might happen.

It’s possible to do it while wearing a pad. The pad should catch all of the fluids since, you know, that’s kinda what they’re supposed to do.

Are the fluids harmful?

No, your vaginal lubrication is not harmful to you in any way. It’s perfectly safe to touch it.

What about toys or other implements?

Masturbation toys, also called sex toys, are a way to enhance or alter your masturbation experience. You can use them in addition to or in place of another masturbation technique. Some toys won’t get you to orgasm on their own, but they can potentially increase the pleasure. There are far too many types to talk about all of them, so I’m just going to cover a few of the common ones.

Vibrator: A vibrator is wide term that encompasses any toy that vibrates. You typically press the vibrator against your clitoris. Some vibrators are designed for vaginal or anal penetration. Most vibrators have adjustable speed or strength. Many people say that they rely on the assistance of a vibrator to reach orgasm, and many people report that they did not think they could have an orgasm until they tried using a vibrator. There are multiple types of vibrators. Bullet vibes, where the vibrating motor is encased in a small egg are fairly popular. Dildo vibes are the combination of a dildo and a vibrator. The Rabbit is a type of dildo vibrator which has an arm that will stimulate your clitoris as it penetrates your vagina. Then there’s the personal massager vibrators, which are typically larger, stronger, and are usually marketed as back massagers. The Hitachi Magic Wand is a popular personal massager. Some common household items with a vibrate feature can be used as a vibrator, too, such as electric toothbrushes, cell phones, and video game controllers. Just remember that’s not their primary use and also consider that it’s probably a bit rude and icky to use one of those if anyone else might want to use it for its intended purpose.
Dildos: A dildo is a generally somewhat cylindrical toy that is designed for penetration. Sometimes a dildo may have a vibrator inside it, and sometimes a dildo might be designed to resemble a penis. (I think technically a dildo is a featureless non-vibrating penetrative toy, a dong is a non-vibrating penetrative toy that resembles a penis, and a vibrator is any kind of toy that vibrates. But those distinctions typically don’t matter.) You use it by inserting it in your vagina (you may need lube), or by applying generous lube and carefully inserting it in your anus. You may choose to move it in and out, or you may wish to simply leave it there. Vaginal or anal stimulation rarely leads to orgasm on its own, but it often will enhance the pleasure of masturbation. Some dildos are designed for G-spot stimulation and will have a curve or a knob that makes it easier to stimulate that area. Some dildos have an arm or an extension that is designed to stimulate your clitoris as you use it, like the Rabbit. In some cases, you may use a dildo strictly for clitoral stimulation by rubbing it externally, without any vaginal penetration. (If trying one in the back door, be sure to only use toys specifically designed for anal penetration, which typically have a ridge to prevent the whole thing from going inside. Also, take note of the size. Many dildos are designed for vaginal penetration, so they can be fairly large and using them in your anus can be very uncomfortable and unpleasant. Anal penetration can also be a bit messy, so be prepared to clean both the toy and yourself when you’re finished. And, this is important, don’t use a toy vaginally after you’ve used it anally, until it’s been well cleaned, or there’s a risk you’ll transfer bacteria you don’t want living in your vagina.)
Handheld Shower Head: If you have one of those detachable handheld shower heads on the end of a small hose, you can direct the spray toward your clitoris, vulva, or perineum. Adjust the spray pattern and water temperature to find what works best. In some cases, you may find that a direct spray at a specific spot works, while other times it may be more effective to sweep the spray across your genitals. The handheld showerhead has the added benefit of not being seen as a sex toy, so if you’re looking for something totally discreet, this is probably your best bet. (Sure, some toys are marketed as back massagers, but anyone who recognizes it will know you’re probably not using it for lumbar pain…)

What’s the deal with the G-Spot?

The G-Spot is a somewhat hard, ridged area along the forward vaginal wall. In some cases, stimulating this region in the right way can lead to an intense orgasm. Many people report that an orgasm with the involvement of the G-Spot can lead to female ejaculation.

G-Spot stimulation should be considered an “advanced technique”. If you’re just starting out, it’s best to get a little bit more experience masturbating before trying to include the G-Spot in your play time. Otherwise it’ll just unnecessarily complicate things. Even if you’re a veteran, you may not find G-Spot stimulation to be worth the trouble.

To find it, insert a finger into your vagina and feel along the forward wall (the side that’s closest to your front) for an area that feels different. It’s probably a few inches inside. Much of the vagina is soft and smooth, but the G-spot is harder and feels bumpy or ridged. If you’re not a fan of using a finger for vaginal penetration, there are a number of toys that are designed for G-Spot stimulation. These toys usually have a curved shape that will press against the G-Spot when inserted, although you’ll have to rely on sensation to know you’ve found it, rather than touch.

G-Spot stimulation generally consists of rubbing while pressing against it. G-Spot stimulation alone might not be enough for an orgasm, so you may want to use your clitoris at the same time. As with the clitoris, the amount of pressure and the speed of rubbing will likely affect how it feels.

Not everyone responds to G-Spot stimulation in the same way. Some people don’t see what the big deal is. Some people find it uncomfortable to touch. Some people may not even have a G-Spot. (In fact, some people don’t believe it really exists at all…) So, if you’re having trouble finding it, or you’ve found it and you’re not really impressed by what it does, don’t worry about it.

What’s the deal with female ejaculation?

First, it’s important to note that if you’ve ever seen this in a pornographic video, it’s less likely to have been an actual instance of female ejaculation and more likely to have been an instance of peeing on cue.

Ejaculation should be considered an “advanced technique”. If you’re just starting out, it’s best to get a little bit more experience masturbating before trying to ejaculation in your play time. Otherwise it’ll just unnecessarily complicate things. Even if you’re a veteran, you may not find ejaculation to be worth the trouble.

Female ejaculation is where a small amount of fluid is pumped out of the urethra during orgasm. It’s different than lubricating fluid being pushed out of the vagina by the orgasmic contractions and it’s not urine. The ejaculation fluid is typically whitish and somewhat thick. The most common way to cause ejaculation is to stimulate the G-spot to orgasm.

Some people say that an ejaculating orgasm is more intense or pleasurable than an orgasm without ejaculation. Some people don’t see much difference. Some people intentionally try to ejaculate, while for other people it just happens unintentionally during orgasms occasionally.

Ejaculating is not an easy thing to do. There’s no 100% guaranteed trick to make it happen. Many people try repeatedly with no luck. It may not even be possible for some people to do. Even people who can do it aren’t able to do it all the time. If you try and don’t get anywhere, don’t worry about it. It shouldn’t be something you feel like you have to be able to do.

Can I have multiple orgasms?

Possibly. In some cases, after an orgasm, you might be able to continue stimulating yourself and have another orgasm (or two or three or …). If your clitoris becomes hyper-sensitive following orgasm, you might have to wait a short while for the sensitivity to die down. Strengthening your PC muscles by doing Kegel exercises might make it easier to have multiple orgasms.

Not everyone can have multiple orgasms, not everyone wants multiple orgasms, and not everyone who can have them wants to have them every time. There’s no scorekeeping in masturbation. If you’re fine with one orgasm, that’s great. If you want to shoot for double digits, that’s great, too. And if you don’t even want one, let alone more than one, even that’s great. The important thing is that you do what you want to do and not what you feel like you’re supposed to be doing or what you think other people are doing.

A lot of people wonder, “If you can have multiple orgasms, how do you know when to stop?” The answer is that you know it’s time to stop when you don’t want to keep going.

What other things can I try?

The vulva isn’t the only body part that you can use while masturbating. Try touching or pinching your nipples and caressing your breasts, or try rubbing your thighs, stomach, or chest. All of those places, and more, can enhance the experience.

Some people enjoy anal stimulation. You can try rubbing the opening, or gently push a well lubed (and well-manicured) finger inside.

What if it doesn’t feel good?

If you’re first getting started, it might not actually feel all that good. You’ll probably have to try a couple of times before you start figure out what works for you.

If you’ve been at it for a while, but still nothing, shake up your technique a bit. Switch hands, try using lube, try a different position, try using a toy, go faster or slower, press harder or lighter. And remember, there’s no cookie-cutter way to masturbate. What works for someone else might not work for you.

If you’ve tried it all and it still doesn’t feel good, then maybe it just won’t. . If it bothers you, you might want to consult with a doctor. There may be a treatable medical reason for why it doesn’t feel good. (Notably, it’s a side effect of many medications.) However, if you’re cool with it, don’t worry about it. You don’t have to masturbate or have orgasms to survive, so don’t worry about it. It’s not your thing, but it doesn’t have to be your thing.

Are there any dangers or warnings I should know about?

This post has been written specifically about solo masturbation. There are numerous health and safety concerns that would potentially need to be addressed if you’re doing anything I’ve mentioned here with someone else. Most notably, there are countless disease prevention (and in some cases, pregnancy prevention) steps you would probably want to take that I have not mentioned here.
Make sure your vagina is adequately prepared before inserting anything. Often, your natural wetness will be enough, but if it’s not, use an artificial lube. If you attempt penetration without proper lubrication, you could irritate your skin and it may be uncomfortable or painful.
Don’t stick anything in your vagina that wasn’t meant for it and clean whatever you put in there before and after you use it. The skin is soft and sensitive and any sharp or rough edges could cause painful and awkward cuts. (In particular, cut your fingernails!) And if you’re using something that’s not quite clean, then you run the risk of infection, because bacteria love the warm, moist environment. This is why it’s a very bad idea to use anything (toy, fingers, etc.) in your vagina immediately after using it in your butt.
Watch what you use for lube. Shampoo and soap might seem nice and slick, but it can severely dry out the skin or cause a rash. They also may get into the urethra, where they’ll burn. Hand creams and Vaseline and baby oil can all disrupt the natural cleansing action of the vagina and lead to infections. Additionally, some creams contain a “medicated” tingling or warming feature. It might feel good on a sore back, but the sensation could be excruciating on your genitals. (Then again, that one’s up to individual preference… Some people like how it feels…) It’s best to use a personal lubricant specifically designed for genital use.
Inserting an object in your anus carries the risk of it getting stuck. Save yourself an embarrassing visit to an emergency room and only use items that can’t get pulled completely inside and “lost”. Many anal toys will have a ridge or tab to prevent them from going all the way in, or they’ll have a string attached to easy retrieval.
Make sure anything entering your anus is smooth and well lubed, and don’t force it in. In particular, cut your fingernails! A long fingernail might cut the inner lining, which can be unpleasant and runs the risk of infection. Inadequate lubrication might cause irritation or tearing.
NEVER do ANYTHING that forcibly cuts off your airway while masturbating. People have actually died from doing that. You can hold your breath, but leave it at that. Besides, taking long deep breaths can actually increase the sensations more than holding your breath will.
If it hurts, stop! You’re probably doing something wrong.

[Up to Masturbation | Main]

An Asexual’s Guide To … Male Masturbation

Posted on October 20, 2013 by asexualityarchive

[Up to Masturbation | Main]

Okay, so, I’ve got a penis and I want to try masturbating. How do I go about doing that?

The first step is to get ready. Find a comfortable and safe position, where you’ll have enough time to experiment and try things out without being disturbed. Lock your door if that would make you feel more comfortable. You may want some sort of lube to help things along. Pretty much anything slippery will do, but try to avoid soap or shampoo, because those have a tendency to dry out your skin or cause a burning sensation if they get in your urethra, neither of which is very fun. Lube specifically designed for sexual activity (typically called “personal lubricant”) is your best bet, but something like hand lotion, baby oil, or Vaseline will also work. (However, oil and latex don’t mix, so if there’s any chance that a condom and another person will be involved in your session, stick to water-based personal lubricants that are specifically made for use with condoms. To repeat: Do not use hand lotion, baby oil, Vaseline, or anything else like that if there’s going to be a condom involved.) And finally, you’ll want to have a towel or some tissues nearby. If you end up having an orgasm, you’ll probably ejaculate, and you’ll probably want to clean that up. (Or just masturbate in the shower or bath and wash it all down the drain.)

All the prerequisites are taken care of, it’s time to get down to business. The most common and most straightforward way to masturbate is to wrap your hand around your penis and stroke up and down repeatedly until you orgasm or decide to stop. That’s the technique I’m going to explain here.

For this to work, you’re going to need access to your penis. I’d suggest taking off your pants and underwear, so it’s all out there and freely reachable, and so you don’t have to worry about accidental stains on your pants when you’re done. Of course, it’s also possible to pull your penis out through your fly, although that can sometimes lead to painful zipper bites. Or if you want, you can simply reach into your underwear and do it entirely inside your pants, but that typically leads to restricted motion, which may make things uncomfortable and more difficult.

Now you’ll need an erection, also known as a hard-on. This is where your penis fills with blood, becomes somewhat stiff, and tends to stand up. At this point, most other resources will direct you to “Think of that hot girl in accounting” in order to get an erection, but since you’re here, I’m assuming you’re ace, so that’s probably not going to work so well for you. That means you’ll need to get one some other way. Of course, you might already have one from reading this far and anticipating what’s next. Awesome, you’re ready to go! Then again, you may know how to achieve erection, in which case, proceed. Or, you can always wait until you have one naturally for some reason. Morning wood can be used for masturbation, just like any other erection.

However, in many cases, you might have to help your little soldier stand at attention when you want to use it. Here’s a few things you might try to get you up and running. Feel free to mix and match these techniques. If one doesn’t work on its own, it might work with the help of another.

Touch or rub your penis. This may seem obvious, but it’s often rather effective. Don’t just poke it with a finger or hold it like you would when you pee, but run your fingers or hand around it. Near the head on the underside (the side that faces your balls when you’re soft) is an area that’s often more sensitive than the rest of skin. Rubbing there in a circular motion may get you aroused.
Grab and pull your penis. Don’t yank or jerk, but gently pull it outward and move it around. Start stroking or pushing along it.
Move the loose skin back and forth. Pull the skin back, then pull the skin up over the head over and over. If you have a foreskin, pull it back all the way. Try gently pinching, rolling, or stretching the skin.
Caress your stomach, inner thighs, and balls. Try focusing on other areas around your penis. Those regions are often fairly sensitive and may send a wake-up signal to your equipment.
Constrict the base of your penis for a short time. Make a loop with your thumb and forefinger around your penis, down near where it attaches to your body. Make the finger loop tighter. This will allow blood to enter, but make it more difficult to leave, which may result in an erection. Toys called “cock rings” do this same thing. Don’t stay like this for too long or hold it too tightly, or you’ll cut off circulation, which could be bad.
Apply pressure to your penis. Press it against your body with your hand. Lean against something, so that your penis is between your body and something else. Or try laying face down, with your penis between your body and your mattress. Make a gentle rocking motion with your hips to vary the pressure on your shaft. You might also try crossing your legs with your penis between them.
Tense or clench your genital muscles. Try tensing the muscles that you use to hold back pee. Clench and hold, or repeatedly tense and release. After a while, you might start to get an erection.
Think about sex, look at porn, or read something erotic. Yeah, you’re asexual, but this still may work anyway. Don’t ask me why, I haven’t figured it out myself.
Use a vibrator. The little buzzing machines aren’t just for a clitoris. A penis can be woken up by one, too. That zone on the underside is a good place to try placing it.

By the way, you don’t actually have to have a full erection to begin masturbating. An erection isn’t an on-off binary, where you’re either completely soft or rock hard. There’s a huge area in between, and you can usually work with your penis even if it’s in a semi-erect state. So, if you’re able to get yourself partially hard, but not completely there, then you’re probably far enough along to continue. The later stimulation will likely complete the erection. And if you start to lose the erection after you’ve started, come back to these tricks and you might be able to regain it.

Okay, so now you have an erection (Or at least enough of one) and are ready to go.

At this point, pretty much anything that slides up and down your penis over and over may eventually lead to an orgasm. Some techniques are very effective, while others are a quick trip to rug burn. I’m going to describe one of the most common techniques. Note that this is not the only way to masturbate. There are many variations that you can do, so I’d encourage you to experiment and improvise in order to find out what works best for you.

Reach down and wrap your hand (doesn’t matter which) around your erection. Your grip should sort of be like you’re holding a cup or a refrigerator door handle. Your thumb and forefinger should be able to completely close a loop around your penis near the head, your palm will fully contact the shaft, while the rest of the fingers will curl around as far as they can reach. You want to hold tight enough that you can feel some pressure, but not so tight that you’re really squeezing it. You’re not trying to pull off your penis, so you don’t need a death grip.

Start sliding your hand up and down the shaft of your penis. It should be a smooth, continuous motion. If you’ve ever seen the piston on an oil well or on a steam locomotive, think of the continuous back-and-forth movement of one of those. You don’t want to “jerk” it or “yank” it, despite what the common euphemisms for masturbation imply. Keep stroking up and down your penis repeatedly. If you have no idea how fast to be going, try about one or two full up and down strokes per second, but don’t worry about precise timing. Faster or slower is okay, and you’ll find the speed that works for you.

There should be some play in the skin of your shaft. Your grip should be tight enough so that the skin moves slightly back and forth with your hand, but loose enough that it’ll slip back into position as you move. You don’t want a grip so tight that it feels like you’re going to pull the skin off or so loose that you don’t feel the skin move at all. If you have a foreskin, you might be able to slide that back and forth.

You do not have to move your hand along the entire length of your penis with every stroke. The base of the shaft is less sensitive than the head, so you may not get much from stroking the base. Then again, the head may be too sensitive to stroke, so you may want to avoid it at certain times. You’ll probably keep your hand in contact with your penis most of the time as you stroke, instead of pulling it completely off the end with every movement. Sometimes you might make several short strokes close to the head between strokes along the full length.

If your hand’s not sliding smoothly across the skin of your penis as you stroke, you may want to use some of that lubricant that I mentioned above. Start with a small amount, like a drop or two. It’s easy to add more, but harder to take it away. You want to add enough so that you reduce friction, but not so much that you’ve completely eliminated it. Too little and it’ll probably feel sticky, but too much and your hand will slip right off. Make sure that the lube is spread around to all of your fingers and your palm. If it starts to dry out, adding a little bit more or a few drops of water will usually bring it back.

As you continue to stroke, it should start to feel different downstairs. It probably will begin to feel good. Varying the pressure of your grip (even mid-stroke), the speed of the stroke, the angle you’re holding it, even how many fingers you’re using may all have an effect on how much pleasure you experience. Everyone is different. Some people like fast strokes while others take it slow, but too fast may cause irritation and too slow may not be enough stimulation to keep the erection up. Some prefer looser grips and others prefer more pressure, but too loose and you won’t feel anything and too tight and it might hurt. There’s no “perfect” speed or pressure, so you’ll have to experiment with what works best for you.

There are various areas of your penis that will react to stimulation differently. The shaft is probably the least sensitive area. On the underside of the penis, near the head, there may be a zone that is very pleasurable to stimulate. A band of skin called the frenulum connects the shaft to the head in that area, and the frenulum can be quite sensitive, although it’s unfortunately sometimes removed during circumcision. The head is often the most sensitive area. Sometimes, particularly for someone who is uncircumcised, the head may even be too sensitive to stimulate directly until you reach a high enough level of arousal and your body is prepared for it. The corona, the ridge around the base of the head can also be a highly sensitive region.

Now, you may be thinking, “If the head is so sensitive, why don’t I just spend all my time focused on that?” Well, the answer is that it’s generally too intense to do that. The stimulation will sort of overload your senses and it may become too much to take. If it starts to feel too intense, back off a bit. Slow down, loosen your grip, maybe retreat to the shaft for a while and stroke the head a bit less.

Okay, so, you’re stroking over and over, and hopefully it’s starting to feel like you’re getting somewhere. There’s a misconception that you won’t feel much of anything until all of a sudden, BOOM! Orgasm. That’s typically not how it works. It’ll probably start to feel good well before the orgasm, with a small surge of pleasure with every stroke up or down. You’ll start to get a feeling for which areas feel best, and you’ll start to focus on them. You’ll probably start to adjust your speed and pressure to maximize the sensation. Just keep at it like this.

Don’t worry about whether or not you have an orgasm. You probably won’t have one the first time you masturbate. Or first five times. Or maybe even your first hundred. Don’t try to force it and don’t feel discouraged if you don’t have one. It doesn’t mean you’re broken, it doesn’t mean you’re impotent, it doesn’t mean you’re unable to have one. More than likely, it just means you’re inexperienced. So, just relax and keep doing what feels good and trying different things when something doesn’t feel good, and eventually, you’ll probably get there. If it doesn’t feel like you’re getting anywhere this time, then stop for now, don’t sweat it, and try again later.

However, if it feels like you’re getting somewhere, keep going. As you proceed, the pleasure will probably increase. You may notice that your pulse and breathing have changed. Muscles all over your body may start to tense up or shake involuntarily. You may start to focus on the sensations and begin to tune the rest of the world out. Eventually, you may feel like you’re climbing a hill or pushing against a wall, that’s there’s a sense that something is about to happen, if you can just get there. At this point, a lot of people become nervous and think that something’s wrong or that they’ve hit a dead end, so they stop masturbating. Keep going, keep trying to get to the other side. You may want to change the speed and pressure of your strokes at this point. A lot of people will go faster and grip tighter in an effort to get over that hill. You’re not far off from the orgasm, so keep going.

In some cases, your penis might pulse or twitch when you’re at this stage. That’s not a sign that something’s wrong, it’s just your body preparing for what’s next. This doesn’t always happen, though, so don’t worry if it doesn’t happen to you.

Eventually, all that repetitive stroking you’ve been doing will pay off. You’ll have a sensation that you’ve made it to the top of the hill and you’ll start coasting down the other side. This is the orgasm. Usually, there will be an intense surge of pleasure that lasts for several seconds. Often, there will be a series of rhythmic muscular pulses in your penis, kinda like a very strong heartbeat. These pulses are often accompanied by a surge of pleasure. They’re roughly a second apart at the start, but they slow down and become weaker with each passing pulse. You can have from one to over ten of these pulses, but generally you’ll probably have somewhere between 3 and 7 of them.

Most of the time, you’ll also ejaculate when you orgasm. Ejaculation is when the muscular pulses pump semen through your penis, causing it to come out of the end. Semen is a whitish (or maybe yellowish) liquid that generally contains sperm. Sometimes, it’ll just dribble out the end, while other times it’ll squirt out with such force that it can fly several feet. Sometimes it’s thick, while other times it’s runny. The volume of semen, as well as the strength of the ejaculation is different for every person, every time they have one. In many cases, if you haven’t ejaculated in a while, it’ll tend toward thicker and more volume, while if you’ve ejaculated more recently, it’ll become thinner and there will be less. I should probably point out that although your testicles produce the sperm, they’re not really all that involved when ejaculation happens. They don’t pump anything, and if you touch them during ejaculation, you won’t feel them moving at all.

Your first few times, an orgasm may feel more weird than good. You’ve got muscles moving on their own in ways you’re not used to, you’ve got sensory input you’ve never had before, and you’ve probably got strange liquids being expelled from your body. You may even feel slightly nauseous. It’s almost a guarantee that it won’t be a mind-blowing, world-shaking experience and it probably won’t be the best feeling ever. More than likely, you’ll get used to the sensations of orgasm over time and it’ll start to feel better as you go along.

After you orgasm, you’ll probably feel deeply relaxed. All the tension that had built up while you were climbing that hill has been released. At the same time, your penis has probably become very very sensitive. Trying to continue stroking it is probably unbearably intense. Even a light motion might be uncomfortable. You can let go of yourself at this point, but you may also enjoy the feeling of simply holding your penis (without moving anything) for a while afterward. During this time, you’ll gradually lose your erection and your heart rate and breathing will return to normal.

Most people will stop at this point. Most of the time, everything downstairs will need a bit of time to recharge. You’ll probably lose your erection and find it difficult to get another one for a period of a few minutes or up to several hours. This is called the refractory period.

tl; dr: Put your hand around your cock and stroke until you come.

What if I don’t want to touch myself?

If you’re not a fan of direct contact with your penis, then you can try wearing a rubber glove on your hand or a condom on your penis while you masturbate. You will almost certainly need to use lube in this case, and if you go the condom route, be sure to put some both inside and outside. This method has the benefit of being pretty much identical to the hand stroking technique outlined above.

If that’s still not your cup of tea, you can try using toys. Many masturbation sleeves cover your penis completely, so with the exception of possibly helping your penis into the sleeve, you won’t have to touch it while you masturbate. I’ll talk about some of them in a bit. However, you’d have to purchase a toy, so that may not be the best solution.

Another option is to remain fully clothed and grind against something. Grinding or humping is when you press your penis against something, then rock your hips back and forth in order to stimulate yourself. The hip rocking motion should either move the penis or it should change the pressure point, in either case, the part of the penis that’s being stimulated will change as you rock. Lying face down on a mattress is a common way to do this, as is grinding against a couch or other piece of furniture. There are downsides to grinding, though. First, since you’re probably grinding against rough clothing, you may end up irritating your penis. Second, if you orgasm, you’re probably going to ejaculate in your underwear, which would probably get a bit messy.

What if I don’t like fluids?

Probably the best way to avoid fluids is to wear a condom while you masturbate. They’re specifically designed to catch and contain your semen when you ejaculate, after all. You can put one on when you first get started, wear it the whole time you’re masturbating, then take it off and throw it away when you’re done. The downside is that condoms can get expensive if you’re buying them all the time.

You can try keeping a tissue or a towel handy. When you sense that you’re about to come, place the tissue around the head of your penis and cover your urethra and try to catch the ejaculate.

Masturbating in the shower is another good way to deal with fluids. When you ejaculate, it goes straight down the drain, and you can immediately wash your hands. A similar technique would be to ejaculate directly into a toilet.

Many masturbation toys will contain your semen after you ejaculate. You simply ejaculate into the toy, then wash it out later. These toys also contain the lubricant, leaving your hands clean and dry. I’ll talk about them shortly.

Another option is to stop before you reach orgasm and ejaculation. It can still be quite pleasurable. If you learn the signals of your body, you’ll be able to tell when you’re about to reach orgasm, so you can slow down or stop for a bit then resume a while later. This allows you to continue masturbating almost indefinitely without having an orgasm.

Are the fluids harmful?

Your own precum and your own semen are not harmful to you in any way. It’s perfectly safe to touch them, it’s even safe to ingest them if you think you’d be into that. Semen might start to smell bad after a while, but you’re probably going to clean up long before that happens.

What about toys or other implements?

Penis Sleeve: A sleeve is a toy that encloses your penis. You typically apply lube to the sleeve, insert your penis, grab the sleeve and stroke with it. The sleeve usually has soft ridges or bumps or some other texture on the inside to vary and increase the stimulation. Sometimes, sleeves are little more than a thin tube that’s open on both ends, while other times, the sleeve is made of a thicker material, or closed off on one end. Sleeves that are large enough or that are closed on one end are often a good way to contain the ejaculation for easy cleanup. Occasionally, sleeves have an opening that resembles a body part, but the opening rarely has any practical effect on the stimulation. Common sleeves include the Tenga brand and the Fleshlight.
Vibrator: A vibrator is wide term that encompasses any toy that vibrates. You typically press the vibrator against a sensitive spot on your penis, run it around your testicles, or, in some cases, insert it in your anus. Most vibrators have adjustable speed or strength. Vibrators by themselves may not get you all the way to orgasm easily, but they can be used to help with arousal or enhance the sensation of orgasm. There are multiple types of vibrators. Bullet vibes, where the vibrating motor is encased in a small egg are fairly popular. Dildo vibes are the combination of a dildo and a vibrator. Cock ring vibes are the combination of a cock ring and a bullet vibe and allow hands free stimulation of your penis. Ring vibes that are sometimes sold with condoms are typically single use and have weak motors powered by watch batteries. It’s possible to get stronger ring vibes which have larger vibrators attached, and which are powered by AA batteries. Then there’s the personal massager vibrators, which are typically larger, stronger, and are usually marketed as back massagers. The Hitachi Magic Wand is a popular personal massager.
Cock Rings: A cock ring is a ring that fits around your penis (sometimes your penis and testicles), and is designed to restrict blood flow. Restricting blood flow tends to create a stronger erection, because the blood can get in, but has a harder time getting back out. Most of the time, cock rings are passive, you just put it on and leave it on until you’re done. Sometimes, however, they’ll have vibrators attached, which can provide additional stimulation. Cock rings should not be used for an extensive period of time and you should take it off immediately if it starts to hurt. Also, remember that your penis probably will grow when you get erect, so a size that fits when you’re soft might become uncomfortably tight when you’re hard. Don’t use a ring that you can’t cut off in an emergency, or you might be facing an embarrassing visit to the ER…
Dildos: A dildo is a generally somewhat cylindrical toy that is designed for penetration. Sometimes a dildo may have a vibrator inside it, and sometimes a dildo might be designed to resemble a penis. You use it by applying generous lube and carefully inserting it in your anus. You may choose to move it in and out, or you may with to simply leave it there. Anal stimulation rarely leads to orgasm on its own, but it often will enhance the pleasure of masturbation. Anal dildos are an effective way to stimulate your prostate. Be sure to only use toys specifically designed for anal penetration, which typically have a ridge to prevent the whole thing from going inside and getting stuck. Also, take note of the size. Many dildos are designed for vaginal penetration, so they can be fairly large and using them in your anus can be very uncomfortable and unpleasant. Anal penetration can also be a bit messy, so be prepared to clean both the toy and yourself when you’re finished. The Aneros is a dildo that’s specifically designed for prostate stimulation.
Handheld Shower Head: If you have one of those detachable handheld shower heads on the end of a small hose, you can direct the spray toward your penis, testicles, or perineum. Adjust the spray pattern and water temperature to find what works best. In some cases, you may find that a direct spray at a specific spot works, while other times it may be more effective to sweep the spray across your genitals. It can be difficult to reach orgasm with only the spray from a shower head. You may wish to direct the water at your balls while you stroke your penis.

Ejaculating seems messy. What do I do about that?

First, it’s important to understand that there typically isn’t much fluid produced when you ejaculate, often no more than a few milliliters. That means there isn’t too much to clean up, and it also means that it’s fairly easy to contain, if that’s what you want to do. As I mentioned in an earlier response, you can contain it when you ejaculate by using condoms, certain toys, or by finishing into a tissue or towel, or you can simply masturbate in the shower and wash it all away.

You can also deal with it by controlling where you ejaculate. Some people will shoot into toilet or sink when they masturbate, while others might try to aim it so that all of the semen lands on their stomach, where it’s a quick wipe to get rid of. It’s also possible to ejaculate into your cupped hand, then wash it off from there. Also, instead of ejaculating directly into a tissue or towel, you can place it on your stomach and chest or wherever and just ejaculate onto it.

Some of these techniques are more disruptive than the others. If you’re lying in bed masturbating, it can be quite a shift to jump up and run to the bathroom to ejaculate when you feel orgasm coming on. Try different methods, and you’ll find one that works well and doesn’t distract from the experience.

There are several techniques to prevent ejaculation during orgasm. One is to apply pressure, either by squeezing very tightly around the base of the penis or by pressing hard against the perineum. Both of these techniques will close off the urethra and not allow semen to exit through the penis, but both can also cause discomfort. Another method is to clench and hold the muscles around the penis as tight as you can for as long as you can during orgasm This will disrupt the ejaculatory pumping, and you may experience and orgasm without ejaculation. (These are also some of the techniques that could lead to multiple orgasm.) Both of these techniques are not 100% effective and take a lot of practice to get right.

If you ejaculate on something, you’ll probably want to clean it up fairly soon after you’re done. Semen will turn dry and crusty after a while, and will probably leave a yellowish stain behind. (So, don’t use your favorite shirt to soak it up…)

Will I always ejaculate when I masturbate?

Not necessarily. While orgasm and ejaculation usually happen at the same time, they’re not actually the same thing. It’s possible to have an orgasm without ejaculating. Sometimes it just happens, where you get some sense of an orgasm happening, but nothing comes out. Other times, you may have ejaculated so many times within a short period of time that there’s not really anything left. And, as mentioned above, you may also be able to train yourself to have an orgasm without ejaculating.

Of course, there’s no guarantee that you’ll get anywhere close to the orgasm/ejaculation zone when you masturbate. And even if you do, if you’re able to sense when you’re getting close, you can easily stop before you get there.

On the other hand, if you do experience orgasm when you masturbate, but you rarely or never ejaculate, you may be experiencing what’s called retrograde ejaculation, where the semen enters the bladder instead of exiting through the penis. If that’s what’s happening, you might want to consult with a doctor about it, especially as it may point to a condition that’s more serious than simply not ejaculating when you orgasm.

If I don’t masturbate, will I explode from an unreleased buildup of semen?

No, not at all. Semen doesn’t endlessly build up in some internal balloon until you eventually ejaculate. If you fail to ejaculate regularly, exactly nothing happens. Most of the time, the sperm produced will simply be reabsorbed into the body. Occasionally, you may have a wet dream and ejaculate while you sleep. But you’re not going to explode because there’s too much sperm in you.

Think about people who’ve had vasectomies. A vasectomy doesn’t do anything to turn off the testicles. They’re still there and running, constantly producing new sperm. A vasectomy just cuts off the tubes that connected the testicles to the penis, so that the sperm has no way to get out. People who’ve had vasectomies don’t have to go in for a sperm draining every couple of weeks. The sperm just gets absorbed back into the body, and that’s the end of it.

People who say that they’re going to explode are just exaggerating. They might have a high libido, they might really enjoy orgasm, but nothing physically is going to happen to them if they don’t ejaculate.

What’s the deal with the prostate?

The prostate is an organ that produces some of the ejaculatory fluids. It’s located just behind the forward wall of your rectum. And for some reason, despite its location, it can feel good if you stimulate it in some way.

Prostate stimulation should be considered an “advanced technique”. If you’re just starting out, it’s best to get a little bit more experience masturbating before trying to include the prostate in your play time. Otherwise it’ll just unnecessarily complicate things. Even if you’re a veteran, you may not find prostate stimulation to be worth the trouble.

The prostate is not in a terribly accessible location, so stimulating it isn’t the easiest thing to do. It can be reached by sticking a well-lubed finger in your anus. (Be sure to clip your fingernails first!) Go in a couple of inches, then press against the wall toward your front. You should eventually come across a walnut-sized lump on the other side of the wall. That lump is your prostate. If you’re not too keen on sticking a finger up your butt, there are many toys that are specifically designed for prostate stimulation. They typically have a curved shape that will press against the prostate when inserted. And if you’re not a fan of anything at all going in that opening, then it’s sort of possible to stimulate the prostate from outside. There’s a soft patch in your perineum, directly in front of your anus. If you press there, you should be able to feel your prostate.

Prostate stimulation generally consists of rubbing it or pressing against it. Some people claim that prostate stimulation alone can cause orgasms, orgasms without ejaculation, or ejaculation without an orgasm, but in most cases, it just tends to increase the intensity of the sensation. It also may make it so that a much larger than usual amount of pre-ejaculatory lubricant will flow from your penis, even if you’re not doing anything to stimulate your penis.

Can I have multiple orgasms?

Maybe. There’s a common belief that once there’s been an orgasm, the penis goes into sleep mode and can’t be used again for a while. While that’s typically the case, it can be possible, with practice, to be able to have an orgasm, but then keep going afterward.

Multiple orgasms should be considered an “advanced technique”. If you’re just starting out, it’s best to get a bit more experience masturbating before going for extra innings. Otherwise it’ll just unnecessarily complicate things. Even if you’re a veteran, you may not find going for multiple orgasms to be worth the trouble.

One technique is to prevent ejaculation when you orgasm. This can be done by tightly squeezing the base of the penis or pushing hard against the perineum just as the orgasm starts, in order to close off the urethra. This way may, however, be uncomfortable. Another method is to tighten and hold the muscles you use when you pee. As soon as the orgasm starts, stop stimulating yourself and clench those muscles and hold them as tight as you can for as long as you can. You’ll probably need to have strong PC muscles to pull this off, so practice those Kegels!

Another technique is to completely relax and stop stimulating your penis as soon as the orgasm starts. Completely relax and hands off. Your penis will probably twitch and pump and you’ll likely ejaculate a little bit.

In either case, once you feel the orgasm is ending, resume stimulation. If you’re successful, you won’t feel too sensitive or not sensitive enough. It’ll be just right, and the stimulation will feel pretty much like it did before the orgasm. You should be able to build it back up for another orgasm (and possibly another and another…). You probably won’t be able to keep going forever, though. Each successive orgasm tends to become harder to obtain.

The orgasms in a sequence of multiple orgasms are often less pleasurable than the typical single orgasm. This is because you’re disrupting the process and making it less intense. Unfortunately, this means that if you ever fail to ride through the orgasm and aren’t able keep going on to another one, you’ll probably only have had a relatively weak and unsatisfying orgasm, and be facing a limp penis that’s not interested in continuing. Because of this, you’ll probably want to try to finish with an orgasm that you don’t intentionally disrupt.

If you decide to pursue multiple orgasms, be aware that it takes a lot of practice and a willingness to experience disappointment while you try to get the hang of it. Even if you get it figured out, you may decide that it’s not worth the effort.

What other things can I try?

The penis isn’t the only body part that you can use while masturbating. Try caressing your testicles or your perineum, try touching or pinching your nipples, try rubbing your thighs, stomach, or chest. All of those places, and more, can enhance the experience. In particular, don’t be afraid of your testicles. They’re not as fragile as you might expect. Don’t be afraid to rub, tug, or even squeeze them. Just start gently and work up from there.

Some people enjoy anal stimulation. You can try rubbing the opening, or gently push a well lubed (and well-manicured) finger inside. The prostate, mentioned before, lives in that area.

You can try sitting on a rubber ball, rolled up sock, or bunched up blanket or towel in such a way that it presses gently against your perineum. The penis extends back into the body, just above the perineum, so pressure there can work to stimulate that extension of your penis.

Try a different grip on your penis. The “door handle” grip is just one. You can turn that grip upside-down, so that your thumb and forefinger are on the positioned closer to the base. You can place your fingers down the side of your penis and have the head cupped by the palm of your hand as you stroke. You can use only fingertips. Any way you can hold your penis is a valid way to try masturbating.

Go at it two handed. You can stack your hands on top of one another and have an extra long stroke. You can perform an “endless” stroke by stroking one direction with one hand, then when you reach the end, place the other hand and stroke with it, in a continuous motion. You can stroke with one hand, and rub circles with the other. You can place the palm of one hand over the opening in the other hand, so that a downstroke will have the head of the penis rub against the palm of the hand. You can rub your penis between two palms. Or you can have one hand pay attention to the shaft, while the other hand works the head. Any way you can think of to use two hands it probably something worth experimenting with.

You can try a completely different method of masturbation, one that does not involve manual stroking. One fairly common method is to thrust into something smooth and slippery. The smooth and slippery object can be any number of things: Your lubed up hand, a penis sleeve or similar toy, a condom, or even something improvised, like a plastic sandwich bag with a little bit of lube placed inside. You can try sandwiching the object between a couple of pillows on your bed. You might want to place a towel between the object and the pillows, in case any lube or anything else spills out. Once you’re set up, you lie face down on top of the pillows and place your penis inside. After you’ve adjusted everything and found a comfortable position, you can start moving your hips back and forth in order to thrust your penis in and out of the object. This method often feels very different than masturbating by hand. (And always, experiment with technique, speed, and pressure to discover what works best for you.)

What if it doesn’t feel good?

If you’re first getting started, it might not actually feel all that good. You’ll probably have to try a couple of times before you start figure out what works for you.

If you’ve been at it for a while, but still nothing, shake up your technique a bit. Switch hands, try using lube, try a different position, try using a toy, go faster or slower, relax or strengthen your grip. In particular, try squeezing a bit when you stroke over the head of your penis, adjust your grip so that you press harder on the underside of your penis, or try tightening the loop made by your thumb and forefinger as you pass over the corona. And remember, there’s no cookie-cutter way to masturbate. What works for someone else might not work for you.

If you’ve tried it all and it still doesn’t feel good, then maybe it just won’t. If it bothers you, you might want to consult with a doctor. There may be a treatable medical reason for why it doesn’t feel good. (Notably, it’s a side effect of many medications.) However, if you’re cool with it, don’t worry about it. You don’t have to masturbate or have orgasms to survive, so don’t worry about it. It’s not your thing, but it doesn’t have to be your thing.

Are there any dangers or warnings I should know about?

This post has been written specifically about solo masturbation. There are numerous health and safety concerns that would potentially need to be addressed if you’re doing anything I’ve mentioned here with someone else. Most notably, there are countless disease prevention (and in some cases, pregnancy prevention) steps you would probably want to take that I have not mentioned here.
Don’t stick your penis into anything that wasn’t meant for it. Always remember that a soft penis grows into a hard one, so something that’s easy to get into may be considerably harder to get out of. Also, if the object is hard or rough, you could potentially cut, scrape, or otherwise injure yourself.
If you’re masturbating by thrusting into something, be careful not to accidentally jam your penis into something with the full force of a forward thrust. Although there are no bones to break in your penis, it can still be severely injured by something like this. If you slip out of whatever you’re thrusting into, carefully guide your penis back in before resuming full speed.
Watch what you use for lube. Shampoo and soap might seem nice and slick, but it can severely dry out the skin or cause a rash. They also may get into the urethra, where they’ll burn. Some creams contain a “medicated” tingling or warming feature. It might feel good on a sore back, but the sensation could be excruciating on your penis and testicles. (Then again, that one’s up to individual preference… Some people like how it feels…)
Inserting an object in your anus carries the risk of it getting stuck. Save yourself an embarrassing visit to an emergency room and only use items that can’t get pulled completely inside and “lost”. Many anal toys will have a ridge or tab to prevent them from going all the way in, or they’ll have a string attached to easy retrieval.
Make sure anything entering your anus is smooth and well lubed, and don’t force it in. In particular, cut your fingernails! A long fingernail might cut the inner lining, which can be unpleasant and runs the risk of infection. Inadequate lubrication might cause irritation or tearing.
NEVER do ANYTHING that forcibly cuts off your airway while masturbating. People have actually died from doing that. You can hold your breath, but leave it at that. Besides, taking long deep breaths can actually increase the sensations more than holding your breath will.
If it hurts, stop! You’re probably doing something wrong.

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“But asexuals can’t masturbate!”

Posted on January 28, 2012 by asexualityarchive

Do asexuals masturbate?

Maybe.

“Maybe” isn’t an answer.

But it’s accurate.

No, really, do they?

No. And yes. It depends on the person.

So some asexuals masturbate?

Correct. And some don’t. It’s perfectly fine either way.

Do you masturbate?

That is an extremely personal question and is quite rude to ask. Just because I’m asexual doesn’t mean that it’s somehow okay to ask me that.

But do you?

Yes. And I’m good at it, too. But if I weren’t writing a post about asexuality and masturbation, that little tidbit would be absolutely none of your damn business.

How can an asexual masturbate?

For the most part, they just kinda rub until-

No, I meant, how can someone who masturbates be considered asexual?

Simple. Masturbation has nothing to do with sexual orientation. A gay person doesn’t engage in some sort of homosexual masturbation. A straight person is still straight even if they don’t touch themselves now and then. It’s no different for asexuality.

But masturbating is a sexual act. You can’t perform sexual acts and still be asexual.

Certainly, masturbation is a sexual activity performed using sexual organs and it produces a sexual response. There’s a misconception that an asexual must be devoid of all sexual properties and sexual responses and cannot experience sexual pleasure. I used to believe that myself, in fact, before I discovered what asexuality really is. I used to think that I couldn’t be asexual because I masturbate. But not the case at all. Asexuality is all about attraction, not action, it’s an orientation, not behavior. Being asexual does not mean one cannot or does not take part in sexual activities. Being asexual means one does not experience sexual attraction. Asexual people generally can and sometimes do take part in sexual activity. Masturbation is the most common.

Why would an asexual person bother to masturbate?

Sometimes they do it to relax.
Sometimes they do it as a stress reliever.
Sometimes they do it because they’re bored.
For women, it can help with period pain.
For men, it can help with embarrassing issues like spontaneous erections or nocturnal emissions.
Sometimes they consider it a bodily function.
Sometimes they do it because their libido wants them to.
Sometimes they do it to prevent prostate cancer.
Sometimes they do it because it’s like “scratching an itch”.
Sometimes they like to perform a self-test to make sure everything is in working order.
Sometimes they just want to.
And, oh yeah, going out on a limb here, but could be because orgasms tend to feel good.

In other words, asexuals masturbate for pretty much the same reasons non-asexuals do. (Please note that this is not meant to be a complete list of possible reasons.)

So, it’s okay to be asexual and masturbate. It’s okay to like it, too. It doesn’t cancel out your asexuality, it doesn’t minimize your asexuality, it doesn’t mean you’re faking your asexuality.

How can someone who has an orgasm still claim to be asexual?

Having an orgasm does not, in any way, invalidate someone’s asexuality. An orgasm is a physical response to stimulation. It’s not related to one’s sexual orientation, it doesn’t require sexual attraction to work. To say that someone who has an orgasm can’t be asexual anymore is ridiculous. When a heterosexual has an orgasm, it’s not somehow a function of a heterosexual orientation. When a bisexual has an orgasm, it’s not a “bisexual orgasm”. So why would it be any different for an asexual? Why would the asexual orientation somehow get canceled out by an orgasm? Am I suddenly turned straight or turned gay by an orgasm? How would that happen? I wasn’t attracted to anyone before the orgasm and I’m still not afterward, so if I’m not asexual anymore, what am I?

Do asexuals enjoy orgasms?

In general, yes. I know I do.

How do asexuals masturbate?

Exactly the same way someone who isn’t asexual does, with all the variants that implies. There’s no such thing as “asexual” masturbation. We’ll use the same methods, techniques, and implements as everyone else. We’ll range in frequency from absolutely never to several times a day.

“Implements”? You mean sex toys?

Yes. Like many non-asexual people, some asexuals will use sex toys to help them get off. In fact, I probably have a larger collection of toys than most non-asexual people.

(And for the record, males can and do use sex toys, too.)

But some of these “implements” are anatomically correct. Doesn’t using them mean the person is attracted to the anatomical part it’s a facsimile of?

Absolutely not. Anatomically correct toys are designed that way because that shape is obviously quite effective at achieving the desired stimulation. Using something that works doesn’t somehow make someone less asexual. Or maybe they’re using one because they liked the color or because it was in the $5 bin. It doesn’t matter. Using sex toys of any kind, from a formless bullet vibrator up to a fully anatomically correct RealDoll does not mean someone is not asexual.

So, if you’re not attracted to people, what do you think about while you’re going at it?

Well, this is certainly different for different people, but here’s some things I think about: Furniture. Vacation plans. The weather. The day at work. Things I did with my ex-girlfriend. Politics. Things I did with myself in the past. Some TV show or movie I watched. Video game music from the 80s. However, for the most part, my thoughts are “That feels good” and “That feels even better”.

Wait… “Things I did with my ex-girlfriend”? How can you think about that and consider yourself asexual?

I can think about that because it felt good. I never found her sexually attractive. However, just because I never found her sexually attractive doesn’t mean that I didn’t find her sexually effective. When I was stimulated by her, it was extremely pleasurable and it did lead to orgasm. The memory of that sensation is extremely arousing. It’s not a memory of her body or a longing to have sex with her again. I was sort of bored when I had sex with her, even though it did feel good.

Don’t you ever fantasize?

Personally, I never really fantasize. I’ve tried, but it never works. My mind always focuses on the details and the stage direction and never on the imagining having sex part. Fantasies always seem to end up more distracting than anything. It’s so much effort to get the imaginary naked woman in the right pose and performing the right motions that the slightest stray thought would kick me out of the fantasy and force me to start over. (Not to mention that the thought of the imaginary naked woman in any pose never really did anything for me…) The one that’s come the closest to working is imagining myself demonstrating how I masturbate to someone else, which isn’t really much of a fantasy and usually just leads to me dropping the other person and going back to just thinking “That feels good”.

Some other asexuals will fantasize while masturbating. Often, they’ll describe it as imagining a sexual situation with a placeholder partner. Essentially a faceless, sometimes genderless prop that’s only there to provide an element that would be missing otherwise. For instance, they may imagine a person with a mouth performing oral sex on them. In this case, their thoughts are focused on the act itself and not any kind of attraction to the person performing the act. Sometimes the placeholder will be there to fulfill a fetish that the person finds arousing, in which case the focus is on the object of the fetish, and not the placeholder.

It always used to seem strange to me that so many people would say that you couldn’t masturbate without thinking of someone while doing it. There’s the religious thought that the reason masturbation is considered sinful is that it requires lust in the form of a fantasy, and I never understood that because I never needed lust, so why did anyone else? I would just grab it and go, without thinking about anyone. It was very mechanical. Fun, but mechanical.

How can you get aroused if you’re not thinking of someone sexually?

You don’t have to think of someone sexually in order to get aroused. You don’t have to be sexually attracted to anyone or anything in order to masturbate. You don’t have to be sexually attracted to someone to experience and enjoy an orgasm. All you have to do is touch your sensitive bits in the right way and presto! (And sometimes it doesn’t even take that much…) There’s a reward there that doesn’t require sexual attraction. I understand that, for most people, fantasy and attraction certainly helps the process, and I’m not disputing that. But it’s not a requirement.

Why would an asexual start to masturbate in the first place if they’re not turned on by someone?

Any number of reasons. Sometimes they’re told that it feels good and want to try it out. Other times their libido will kick in and downstairs will start screaming out for attention. And sometimes it’s because they think that’s what they’re supposed to do, after all, it seems like everyone else is.

In my case, in fifth grade sex ed (Which was basically nothing more than a vocabulary lesson) introduced me to the terms “masturbation” and “orgasm”. Masturbation was defined as “the self-stimulation of the genitals to orgasm” and orgasm was “an intense pleasurable sensation in the genitals”, and I eventually put the two definitions together and realized that it was something I wanted to try. I eventually managed to work out how it was done some time later.

You mentioned a libido? An asexual person can’t have a libido.

Actually, many asexuals do have a libido or a “sex drive”. They’ll have “urges” and desire sexual stimulation. But while for a non-asexual person, those urges tend to be directed toward another person, for an asexual, they’re often directionless. But that’s a topic for another post entirely…

What about porn?

What about it?

Do asexuals use porn?

You’re just asking that so you can say “Ha, gotcha!” when I answer, aren’t you?

No, not at all. Do they?

Sometimes, yes.

Ha! Gotcha! You can’t be asexual if you use porn!

I knew it…

Anyway, yes, asexuals sometimes will use porn while they masturbate. And no, it does not mean that they’re not asexual.

People who watch porn don’t necessarily find the performers sexually attractive. People who watch porn don’t always want to participate with the performers.

Consider it another way. Watching a cooking show on TV doesn’t necessarily make you want to cook whatever they’re fixing on the show, does it? You might not even like whatever it is. But it’s food, people are eating, and that makes you hungry. So you go get a bag of chips.

With porn, you might not want to do what they’re doing, you might not even like what they’re doing, but you may find it to be arousing simply because they’re aroused. You watch it and think “They seem to be enjoying what they’re doing. I have one of those, too, and I bet that feels good. Now I want to feel good.”

Enjoying porn has no bearing on your sexual orientation. Research has shown that women who are straight will often have a strong arousal response to lesbian scenes. And the very existence of the “money shot” in porn aimed at straight men should put any argument to rest. After all, if straight men didn’t find the shot of another man having an orgasm and ejaculating (Often by his own hand) to be arousing on some level, then why would it be so prevalent? It doesn’t mean that the viewer is secretly gay and repressed. It just means that they don’t necessarily have to feel sexual attraction toward something to be aroused by it.

In my case, I find most porn to be dull, uninteresting, and repetitive. I get more out of the sense that the performers are legitimately having a good time and experiencing pleasure than I do from the way they look or what they’re doing. I am very easily distracted by things in the background, like movies on a shelf or views out the window. And things like poor lighting and poor camera work will absolutely kill a scene. Sometimes I’ll watch porn for educational purposes, to see how other people do things and pick up a few tricks and techniques.

What about asexuals who don’t masturbate or don’t enjoy it?

Then they don’t masturbate or don’t enjoy it. Not every asexual has to masturbate. Not every asexual that does masturbate has to enjoy it. If you don’t masturbate, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. If it’s not your thing, don’t worry about it and don’t worry about what other people might think. It’s no one’s business but your own.

Will masturbating make someone not asexual somehow?

Masturbation isn’t suddenly going to make you not asexual anymore, so don’t feel like you have to try it to know for sure that you’re ace. I’m pretty solid evidence that no amount of masturbation is likely to change your orientation. At most, you might discover that you like the way it feels and want to keep doing it.

What about asexuals who are curious about trying it?

If you’re looking for a step-by-step instruction guide, nope, not going there. I do have some other advice, though.

First: Relax.

Second: Don’t turn it into a chore. Presumably you’re doing it because you want it to be fun. It won’t be fun if it’s a chore.

Don’t feel defeated if you don’t get anywhere your first attempt, because you probably won’t. No one does. You’re not a failure and your equipment probably isn’t defective. It’s a learned skill and takes practice. I probably had to try for months before I got anywhere. Of course, those were the days before search engines, so it was all trial and error for me. At any rate, persistence is the key. You need to find out what works for you and not be afraid to try something new. And don’t be afraid of calling in a little bit of artificial assistance. Many people, male, female, or otherwise, will use lubricants or toys to help them get off.

Don’t feel guilty, as if you’re betraying your asexuality. You’re not.

You don’t necessarily need a libido in order to become aroused. It probably helps, but it’s not required. With the right mindset and the right stimulation, you can usually wake things up downstairs. Honestly, I’m not even sure I have a libido. I rarely, if ever, feel “urges” or feel “horny”, or any of the other things people describe as a libido at work. Whenever I masturbate, I usually have to spend a bit of time getting myself ready. However, I have read things which claim that sexual activity itself in some cases may increase libido in a sort of feedback effect. The more you do, the more you want. So you may have a dormant libido that masturbation could potentially awaken.

And most of all, if you don’t like it, stop. You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to. If you’re not getting anything out of it, don’t do it and don’t worry about it.

Anything more?

I’ll just leave you with this:

If you’re asexual and you masturbate, then you’re still asexual.
If you’re asexual and you don’t masturbate, then you’re still asexual.
If you’re asexual and you masturbate to porn, then you’re still asexual.
If you’re asexual and you don’t masturbate to porn, then you’re still asexual.
If you’re asexual and you masturbate using sex toys, then you’re still asexual.
If you’re asexual and you don’t masturbate using sex toys, then you’re still asexual.
If you’re asexual and you masturbate and you like it, then you’re still asexual.
If you’re asexual and you masturbate and you don’t like it, then you’re still asexual.
If you’re asexual and you want to masturbate, but haven’t, then you’re still asexual.

(Please also see the companion post I wrote for Asexual Awareness Week, which elaborates more on my personal views on the topic, and where I stole a number of lines from: http://www.asexualityarchive.com/aaw-day-6-masturbation/ )

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An Asexual’s Guide To … Female Masturbation

An Asexual’s Guide To … Male Masturbation

“But asexuals can’t masturbate!”

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