Q: Hey, I was wondering if you ever sort of came out to your parents and what their response was if so. I understand you are probably older that me and no longer live near your parents but my mom found a text I sent a friend when I was younger about my asexuality and now brings it up occasionally to tell me how “disturbing” it is, just want some advice

I did come out to my parents.  I did it with an impersonal post on Facebook that they didn’t even notice at first…  They accepted it, but it’s not like I was telling something they hadn’t already figured out.  I never had a girlfriend in high school or college.  After college, there was a short lived, long-distance relationship, then no one.  I never talked about girls (or guys, for that matter).  Over the years, they just stopped asking when I was going to get a girlfriend, and basically just accepted that it wouldn’t happen.  So, when I came out, I was just putting a word on what they already knew.

For your particular situation, I don’t know if I would be the best to give advice.  These pages might help you:

Advice: http://www.asexualityarchive.com/asexuals-on-coming-out-advice/

Experiences: http://www.asexualityarchive.com/asexuals-on-coming-out-experience/

Q: I’m an acefluid female interested in males. I’ve been worried that I won’t be able to find a guy (when I start dating) who will respect that I’m acefluid. I would preferably only date an asexual guy, but only time will tell. If I can find a sexual guy who respects that I don’t wanna have sex, then I’d date him. I guess my question is this: are you only going to date asexuals or are you open to dating other sexual people?

Personally, I’m not really interested in dating anybody.  It’s just not my thing.  I had an opportunity to try to start something with an asexual person last year and none of it felt right.  The one girlfriend that I had years ago was definitely not asexual.

Q: What have you had to deal with being an asexual male? Like, me being an asexual female, I know it’s difficult dealing with a sex-obsessed culture. What about you? How do you deal with living such a sex-obsessed culture? Do you have any tips for how I can get along easier?

I think what was the hardest for me was not knowing that asexuality was even a thing.  I was told by society that I was supposed to be obsessed with sex, that I was supposed to want as much as I could get and get it as often as I could.  I was told that my penis was supposed to control me.  I was told that only an inability to get an erection would stop me from being driven by sex (and that there was a pill for that, if that happened…).  I was told that I was supposed to desire hot celebrities, that short skirts, blonde hair, and big breasts were supposed to drive me wild.

But there was none of that.

I spent years wondering what was wrong with me.  Why didn’t I want it?  Why didn’t I need it?  Why didn’t it drive me?  It was supposed to.  It would make sense if I were gay, but I wasn’t.  It would make sense if I couldn’t get it up, but I could.  So what was wrong with me?

When I discovered asexuality, I realized that those things didn’t apply to me and didn’t have to apply to me.  I think in some ways, I simply stay out of the more sex-obsessed parts of culture.  I don’t belong there, and it’s fine that I don’t.

Q: I’m a non-binary, AMAB asexual, and I wanted your take on this. Going through high school, I took comfort in the idea I was likely just more like girls than boys because society likes to paint girls as nearly asexual some of the time in the first place. Did you ever think anything differently about your gender in relation to your asexuality?

I never really gave gender much thought.  I knew that gender did not equal sex, and knew about transgender people, probably all the way back in high school, if not earlier.  And I knew it didn’t apply to me.  I never felt like anything was wrong about my body, and I never wanted a different one (Although, I will admit to being curious about what it would be like on occasion, but nothing beyond that).

But really, I mostly didn’t care.  I’ve never felt particularly “manly”, but I’ve never felt “girly”, either.  When I was younger, I was more interested in crafts than sports, but I attribute that more to being an uncoordinated nerd who sunburns easily than anything else.

For me, I don’t think there’s much of a connection between my gender perception and asexuality.

Q: Do women ever hear you’re asexual and give that “Challenge accepted!” response?

Usually, it doesn’t come up.  I think I project an air of “not really interested” so it doesn’t even reach the point where they’d even try.  Besides, most of the women who know are already in a relationship and wouldn’t be in a position to take on a “challenge”.

The one exception I can think of was asexual herself, so it was less of a “Challenge Accepted” and more of a “Wow!  Another one!  Capture him!”

Q:Hi, I’m an ace female and I was just wondering how do you respond to people when they say thing like you’re wrong for not liking sex or you’ll like it when you’re older or when you’ve found the right person?

“You’re wrong for not liking sex”:  For me, it’s not a dislike, it’s a disinterest.  I’ve had sex before and I just didn’t see what was so great about it.  I found it rather boring, actually.  I felt emotionally disconnected from the whole process.  Physically, yes, it did feel good, but I can get many of the same sensations through masturbation, without the boredom or disconnected feeling.  And sure, I’ve only done it a handful of times (intercourse twice, and activities that may or may not meet your definition of “sex” a few more times) and all with the same person, so I don’t have a wide range of experiences to draw this conclusion from.  But there was nothing in what I’ve done that made me think, “You know, I could really get into this.”

“You’ll like it when you’re older”:  I’m 35.  When is this magical transformation supposed to happen?

“When you’ve found the right person”:  Many people, when they talk about their experiences, say that they feel sexually attracted to multiple people every day.  That celebrity, this grocery store clerk, that person on the bus, this person in the accounting department.  It’s there, even if they’re never going to act on it or even have the opportunity to, it’s just there.  And so, with all the people I’ve seen in my life, and no one’s triggered that, what’s the likelihood that anyone ever will?