Tag Archives: asexual

Why is it difficult for people to understand asexuality as a genuine personal preference?

Posted on by
Reply

Q:  Why is it difficult for people to understand asexuality as a genuine personal preference? Of course, I am not asking how sexual education ought to be done, per se, but I’m asking what are obstacles to the process of learning about and understanding asexuality?

I think the biggest issue is that asexuality is rarely even presented as a possibility.  Interest in sex is presented as biological destiny.  You WILL want it.  You will even NEED it.  That’s just how it is.  You’re supposed to want it with someone who has compatible gametes, because that’s the way evolution ensured that our species will survive.  Even if you prefer someone with the same bits, well, you’re still going to have the drive, because that’s Human Nature™. And everyone hears that story from when they were born.  “Humans need sex to survive!”  And for most people, it comes true!  They reach a certain age and, wouldya look at that?  That sex thing is mighty interesting!  And she looks like a mighty interesting person to try it out with! And so the story is reinforced:  They told me everyone will want sex, then I wanted sex, therefore everyone will want sex. And then, along comes an asexual.  We don’t fit that pattern.  We don’t make sense in that story.  We weren’t part of what they were told about.  So, they try to make sense of us. We’re not old enough yet:  “You know, I never felt that way about a girl until I was older.  Give it time.” We just haven’t met the right person:  “I wasn’t interested either, until Sally changed my mind.” We’re afraid:  “Yeah, it’s scary, but once you try it, it’s not so bad.” There’s something wrong with us:  “You should want it like I do, so your hormones must be off.” And so on… They try to fit our experience to what they know, but what they know doesn’t include who we are.  They’ve never encountered the possibility of someone who’s naturally disinterested, so they assume that there must be something blocking that interest, something that can be fixed.  Even people who are asexual and simply aren’t aware of the term end up thinking along these same lines, because the story is so prevalent.   I think that the best path to understanding is to simply get the concept out there.  It’ll start to gain greater awareness, and the story will change from “You WILL want sex” to “You’ll probably want sex, but it’s fine if you don’t”.  Then, when an asexual comes along, instead of being treated as a challenge to the True And Accepted Order Of All Things™, the response will be “Okay, got it.”

A Parent’s Guide To Asexuality

Posted on by
70

First Things First

Asexuality is a sexual orientation, like being straight or gay.  When someone is straight, they’re interested in people of a different gender.  When someone is gay, they’re into the same gender.  But when someone is asexual, or “ace” as it’s called, they’re not really into anyone in that way.  They simply don’t experience sexual attraction.  Asexuality isn’t something that needs to be “fixed” or “cured”, it’s just a part of who they are.

You’ve probably never heard of asexuality until your child mentioned it to you.  You’re probably a little bit confused and a little bit concerned.  That’s understandable!  This probably wasn’t a conversation you were expecting to have when you woke up this morning.  This guide aims to help explain what you need to know about asexuality, and what it means for you and your child.

It’s a good idea to let go of whatever preconceptions you might have about asexuality.  When people hear the word “asexual”, it conjures up a lot of images and ideas, and most of those are wrong.

Asexuality is not a problem that you need to solve.  It’s not a disease.  It’s not a disorder.  It’s not an Internet fad.  It’s not a cult.  It’s not a fancy word for celibacy.  It’s not a gender identity.  It’s not a choice.  It’s not some tree-hugging hippy liberal idea.  It’s not some conservative purity movement.  It doesn’t involve spores or splitting in two or anything like that.  It’s not some excuse to get out of dating. Asexuality is a sexual orientation.  That’s all.

Now, you’re probably wondering why, if it’s a real sexual orientation, you’ve never heard of it before.  That’s because the word used to describe it is relatively new.  Although it’s been around for decades, it really only started picking up popularity in the early 2000s.  But the concept is much older.  There have been asexual people for as long as there have been people.  They just didn’t have a word to describe themselves.  The age of a word used to describe a concept does not make that concept invalid.  After all, “heterosexual” wasn’t used until 1892, although there were certainly heterosexual people in the Middle Ages and in Ancient Greece and even earlier.

The current best estimate is that at least 1% of people are asexual.  This figure comes from Dr. Anthony Bogaert, a scientist who was among the first to explicitly study asexuality.  He wasn’t the first to notice it, though.  The famous researcher Alfred Kinsey, when he was working on the “Kinsey Scale”, realized that some people simply didn’t fit on his chart, so he labeled them as “Group X”.  Many people today believe that this Group X described asexual people.

If at least one out of every hundred people is asexual, this means you probably know someone else who might be asexual.  Think about the people in your life.  Is there a bachelor uncle or spinster aunt who never showed an interest in anyone else?  Is there a friend who always stays out of the sex talk?  Is there a cousin who got married a couple of times, but never had any kids?  Was there a college roommate who was more interested in books than hookups?  Those people might be asexual, too.  They might not even know of the word.

 

What This Means For You

This means that you have a child who is asexual.

No, really, that’s all it means.  Nothing in your life or your child’s life has changed. This is simply a revealing of what was already there.  It’s one of many things your child will come across as they live their life and discover who they are.

 

Why Is My Child Asexual?

Like any other sexual orientation, the cause of asexuality is unclear, and for the most part, it doesn’t really matter.  What matters is that your child is asexual.  It’s part of who they are.

Your child likely did not start using the word “asexual” lightly.  This isn’t something they’re saying on a whim.  They thought about it a lot, probably even agonizing over why they weren’t like everyone else.  For many people, the discovery of the word “asexual” is actually a liberating moment.  Finally, they become aware that they’re not alone, that there are other people like them.  They are sure this is who they are.

You didn’t do anything to turn your kid asexual.  They didn’t end up asexual because you scared them off of sex or didn’t hug them enough or anything like that.  Asexuality is not the result of poor parenting.  There is nothing you could have done differently that would have changed anything.

 

What Should I Do?

  • Listen to your child.  They know more about this than you do.
  • Try to understand.  It doesn’t all have to make sense right away, but what’s important is that you make an effort to understand.
  • Do research.  If you don’t understand something, or have questions you don’t feel comfortable asking your child, or if you simply want to know more, then spend some time and look up what you want to know.
  • Treat asexuality with respect.  Asexuality is not imaginary, it’s not a “teenage thing”, it’s not a punchline.  It’s an integral part of your child’s identity.  If you disrespect asexuality, you’re disrespecting your child.
  • Accept them.  This is important to them, and it’s important for them to know you care.
  • And most importantly:  Love them.

 

 What Shouldn’t I Do?

  • Don’t get angry.  There’s nothing to get angry about.  Asexuality isn’t a choice, it’s part of who they are.  Getting angry over your child being asexual is like getting angry that your child wears size 9 shoes or has brown eyes.
  • Don’t try to “fix” it.  There’s nothing to “fix”.  The APA recognizes asexuality as a valid orientation in the DSM-5. Sending your child to a therapist to “cure” their asexuality would, at best, be a complete waste of money, and, at worst, be a horrifying, traumatic experience.
  • Don’t try to convince them that they’re wrong.  Trust that your child knows how they feel and what they’re thinking.
  • Don’t dismiss it.  If your child says that they’re asexual, that means it’s important to them.  Brushing it off will tell your child that you don’t care.
  • Don’t “forget” about it.  If your child has to remind you that they’re asexual at some point down the line, it shows them that you’re not interested in their life.  You don’t have to remember all the terminology and all the specific details, but you do have to remember that they are asexual and what that means.
  • Don’t tell anyone else without your child’s permission.  Your child has trusted you with this information.  There may be other people that they do not trust with this information.  Don’t betray your child’s trust by telling other people about it.
  • Don’t say anything in the “What Not To Say” section below.  That section is a collection of hurtful and invalidating statements that should be avoided when talking to your child about asexuality.

 

What Not To Say

“What about grandchildren?” Many parents are concerned that they will never become grandparents after a child comes out as asexual.  First, you need to recognize that your children are under no obligation to produce grandchildren for you.  The decision to have or not have children is a personal one, and there was no guarantee that your child would have wanted to have children of their own, even if they were heterosexual.  However, nothing about being asexual prevents your child from having kids, if that’s what they want.  There are many asexuals who want kids and there are many who have kids.  Asexual people can become parents the same way anyone else can:  Adoption, surrogacy, artificial insemination, even through natural conception.

“But you dated someone!” Past dating history is not evidence that someone is not asexual.  Even current relationship status is not evidence that someone is not asexual.  Maybe your child went out with that person because they felt that they had to conform to social expectations.  Maybe your child went out with that person because they were experimenting with their own feelings, and that’s what led them to realize that they are asexual.  Maybe your child went out with that person because they were in love.  Dating someone has no bearing on whether or not a person is asexual.

“I was like that, too.  You’ll change!” When someone tells you that they are asexual, they’re not looking for reassurance that someday they’ll be “normal”.  They already are normal.  They’re looking for acceptance and understanding.  They’re looking for recognition of who they are.  By saying that you “used to be the same way”, you’re not helping them at all.  You’re dismissing them.  Asexuality is not some sort of teenage fashion trend that they’ll be over in a week.

“You’re too young to know.” If your child came to you and said “Hey, I’m straight”, would you think that they’re too young to know?  If they said “Hey, I’m gay”, would you think that they’re too young to know?  If you think they’re old enough to know that they’re gay or straight, then they’re old enough to know that they’re asexual.

“I don’t approve.” You do not get to disapprove of this.  You have no say in the matter.  When your child tells you that they are asexual, it is a statement of fact.  It’s not a matter that is open for debate.  You can’t talk them out of it and you can’t convince them to change, because it wasn’t a choice that they made.  There is nothing to talk them out of and there is nothing that they can change.  They are asexual and that’s that.  Your disapproval will only hurt your child.

“I’m fine with it.  Just don’t tell anyone about it.” If you want to silence your child, then you’re not actually fine with it.  It is not your place to decide who your child tells.  Are you embarrassed by it?  Are you worried what other people will think?  That is not your role as a parent.  Your job is to defend your child’s right to be who they are without fear.

“No one will go out with you if you say that.” There are several problems with this sort of statement.  First, you’re telling your child to hide who they are for the sake of finding a partner, instead of telling them to value themselves and find someone who will love them for who they are.  Second, you’re making the assumption that your child is actually interested in going out with someone.  They might not be.  A significant number of asexual people are also aromantic or are otherwise not interested in dating.  And finally, you’re saying that sex is the only important thing in a relationship.

“Don’t worry, you’ll meet someone someday.” Asexuality is not a synonym for single.  It’s not a temporary state that’ll just evaporate the moment the right person comes along.  When your child told you that they were asexual, they weren’t complaining about the lack of a suitable partner.  They were telling you what their sexual orientation is.  Certainly, they may meet someone someday.  And if they do, your child will still be asexual.

“I don’t want you to limit yourself.” The word “asexual” is a description, it’s not a self-imposed limitation.  Your child is not using it to shut themselves off from experiences they’re afraid of or aren’t ready for.  They’re not suppressing some part of their personality to fit this word, they’re using the word because it fits their personality.  An asexual person is no more limited by asexuality than a straight person is limited by heterosexuality.

“But I heard that sexuality is fluid.  Maybe you’ll change someday!” Maybe they will.  Maybe they won’t.  That’s not the point.  They are asexual today, and that’s what matters.  When you say something like this, what you’re really saying is that you don’t like the current state of things and wish they were different, and that you won’t accept your child until they change into something more acceptable to you.  Besides, this argument can easily be turned around:  If sexuality is fluid, maybe you’ll become asexual someday.

“We’ll take you to a doctor to fix this.” Asexuality is not something that can be fixed or cured.  You might be thinking that having no interest in sex is a symptom of something like a hormone imbalance or a brain tumor or something else.  While it’s true that a lower libido or disinterest in sex can be a symptom of a number of medical conditions, it’s rarely the only sign.  It’s natural to be concerned, but unless your child is showing other symptoms or there has been a sudden drop in their sexual interest, there’s likely no reason to involve a doctor.  Many asexuals have had their hormone levels checked, and often will find that the levels are within the expected ranges.  Some asexuals have even been on hormone therapy for various reasons, and they typically report no changes.

“God doesn’t approve.” Since the people who raise this objection are most often Christian, here are a couple of verses to take a look at:  1 Corinthians 7:6-9 and Matthew 19:10-12.  Many other religions have similar statements of acceptance.  I am unaware of any religion that specifically condemns asexuality.

“You’re going out with someone now.  I knew you weren’t asexual after all!” Dating someone is not proof that your child is not asexual.  There are many reasons your child might have for going out with someone, and sexual attraction doesn’t have to be one of them.  Saying something like this indicates that you never believed your child in the first place and were always looking for some evidence to “prove” that they were wrong.

“That must be so hard on your partner.” If your child is in a relationship when they tell you that they’re asexual, you might assume asexuality mean there’s no sex, and no sex means that there must be relationship strife.  However, neither one of those assumptions is necessarily true.  Asexuality doesn’t prevent someone from having sex, it’s just that asexual people generally aren’t very inclined towards it or enthusiastic about it.  Some asexual people do have sexual relationships with their partners for various reasons.  On the second assumption, being in a sexless relationship does not guarantee relationship troubles any more than being in a sex-filled relationship guarantees eternal happiness.  You do not know what is going on in their relationship.  You don’t know what arrangements, agreements, or accommodations they have made in their relationship.  It’s even possible that their partner is asexual, too!  If they are not sharing any of this with you, that is because it is none of your business.

If you’ve said any of these things: You’re probably reading this after your child came out, and if that’s the case, there’s a chance you may have already said some of these things (or something similar).  If that’s the case, then talk to your child and apologize.  Let them know that you now understand that you may have said something hurtful.  You can’t take back what you’ve said, but you can try to undo some of the damage it might have caused.

 

What Else Should I Know?

A single page cannot tell you everything you might need to know about asexuality, and I encourage you to do further research on your own.  The following is a very rough look at a few other topics which may come up when your child talks about asexuality.

The Ace Spectrum:  Your child might tell you that they are demisexual or are gray-asexual.  These categories fall along what’s called the “Ace Spectrum”, which means they’re somewhere in the middle ground between being asexual and not being asexual.  A gray-asexual person rarely feels sexual attraction, isn’t quite sure if what they’ve felt would be considered sexual attraction, or, for some other reason, doesn’t quite feel like the term “asexual” fits them right, even though it’s close.  A demisexual person does not experience sexual attraction until after they’ve gotten to know someone very well.  (Note that this is not the same thing as being unwilling to sleep with a stranger.  This is about never being attracted to someone unless they know them well first.  And before you say “Well, that’s just how everyone is”, consider that there are entire industries that revolve around people feeling sexually attracted to strangers.)  Both gray-asexuality and demisexuality are real and are perfectly normal ways to be.

Romantic Attraction:  Romantic attraction is separate from sexual attraction.  Although an asexual person lacks sexual attraction, they may still experience romantic attraction.  At the risk of oversimplification, if sexual attraction is about wanting to have sex with someone, then romantic attraction is about wanting to have romance with someone.  Romantic attraction, like sexual attraction, can be directed toward a gender or genders.  For instance, a man who experiences romantic attraction toward women would be described as “heteroromantic”, while a woman who is romantically interested in men and women would be “biromantic”, and so on.  Someone who does not experience romantic attraction would be called “aromantic”.  Although sexual orientation and romantic orientation are typically aligned (For instance, a homosexual person is often homoromantic, as well), it’s possible for a person to have any combination of these orientations.  That means someone can be an aromantic heterosexual or a panromantic asexual or any other or whatever else.

Gender Identity:  Gender identity is the perception of one’s own gender.  In other words, it’s how a person sees themselves as a man or a woman (or, in some cases, both or neither, or a combination, etc.).  Gender is separate from physical sex.  One way to think of it is that gender is in your head, while sex is in your pants.  Someone whose gender identity matches their physical sex (for example, a woman who happens to have a vagina) is said to be “cisgender”, while someone whose gender and sex at birth are not the same (for example, a woman who happens to have a penis) are called “transgender”.  Often, the concept of “preferred pronouns” will come up in a discussion of gender identity.  Preferred pronouns are how someone would like to be addressed.  For example, one person might want to be called “he”, someone else might want to be called “she”, and a third person might want the word “they” to be used.  It is important to note that asexuality is not a gender identity.  Asexuals can be any gender or any sex.

An Asexual’s Guide To … Having Sex

Posted on by
23

[Up to Main]

What is sex?

I don’t know, something about birds and bees and flowers and trees?  I’m not exactly sure how the moon up above is supposed to be involved, but there are some things I’m probably better off not knowing.

Um…  Let’s try that again.  What is sex?

There are a lot of possible definitions and gray areas and legal decisions about what sex is and is not, but for the purposes of this post, I’m going to go with this definition:

Sex is an activity that involves more than one person and a deliberate involvement of the genitals of at least one of them, with an intent to arouse and/or cause pleasure/orgasm.

What are some of the types of sex?

There are many activities that can be considered “sex”.  Here’s a few of the more common ones.  These aren’t presented in any particular order, and although it’s common for a session of sex to include more than one of these items, it doesn’t have to.  I strongly recommend that you become familiar with the health risks of any activity before you take part in it.

  • Foreplay:  Not exactly a type of sex, this encompasses any activity used to “warm up” or get ready for the main event (whatever the main event is), so that participants are sufficiently physically aroused or “in the mood” enough to proceed.  It can involve hugging or kissing or stripping or touching your partner.  It can even involve activities such as manual or oral sex, if they’re a prelude to something else.
  • Manual Sex/Mutual Masturbation:  This involves using your hands or a toy to stimulate your partner’s genitals.  This is also known as a hand job or fingering.
  • Dry Humping/Frottage:  This involves rubbing your genitals against your partner’s body.  This can be done through clothing, so there is no direct skin to skin contact (hence the “dry”).
  • Oral Sex:  This involves using your mouth and tongue to stimulate the genitals of your partner.  This is also known as a blow job, cunnilingus or eating out, depending on the equipment involved.
  • Vaginal Sex:  This involves penetration of the vagina, typically (but not always) by a penis.
  • Anal Sex:  This involves penetration of the anus (butt), typically (but not always) by a penis.

What if I don’t want to do it?

You don’t have to have sex.  Ever.  If you’re not interested, if you’re not into the concept, if the thought of it makes you ill, even if you just plain don’t want to, whatever the reason is, you don’t have to have sex.  No matter what your friends say or what the TV says or what “society” says, you do not have to have sex if you do not want to have sex.  You don’t even have to justify why not.  If you don’t want to have sex, you don’t have to get anyone else’s approval.  No means no, and if anyone else has a problem with that, that’s their problem to deal with.

What if I want to do it?

Then go for it.  You’re allowed to have sex, even if you’re asexual.

If you decide to have sex, make sure you’re doing it for the right reason.  Basically, the right reason is “I want to do this”, regardless of why, specifically.  There are countless reasons why you might want to.  You might want to see what it’s like.  You might want to give someone pleasure.  You might want pleasure yourself.  You might want to conceive a child.  You might be doing research.  You might just be thinking “It’s Tuesday, I’m bored, why not?”  And so on.  There’s no universal list of acceptable and unacceptable reasons for an asexual to have sex.  It’s about whatever is right for you.

If you force yourself into having sex when you don’t really want to, it’s almost certainly going to be a miserable experience.  If you feel that it is not the right thing to do or is not the right time or right situation, then don’t do it.

You shouldn’t feel compelled to have sex to “prove” that you’re asexual or to try to “cure” your asexuality.  Sex isn’t likely to change your mind.  Most aces that have had sex report that they’re still just as asexual afterward.  I’m unaware of anyone who’s said “Oh, hey, I was wrong about myself this whole time!”  Most people who offer to sleep with you in order to help “cure” you probably just want in your pants, and have very little interest in anything else.

How do I get aroused if I’m not attracted to my partner?

Some people think that sexual attraction is required for sexual arousal, but that’s not the case.  Many times, the thought of having sex or the actions involved in preparing for sex will get you physically aroused.  If that doesn’t work, then physical stimulation of the genitals will often lead to arousal.  This is one of the primary intents of foreplay, even for non-asexual people.  If you are able to become aroused for masturbation, then the same techniques will likely work in a partnered scenario, as well.

If you’re still unable to become aroused, there are artificial ways of helping.  Wearing a cock ring on a penis will constrict blood flow and often lead to an erection, and there are prescription medications which might also help.  Personal lubricants can replace or enhance natural vaginal lubrication.

And if none of those work, either, then there are still ways to have sex that do not require arousal on your part.  You can perform oral or manual sex on your partner, or use a sex toy on them.

What is “Protection”?

“Protection” is a blanket term for something used to prevent sexually transmitted diseases and/or pregnancy.

Learn about it.  Use it.  Use it correctly.

Protection is important regardless of genital configuration.  Most people just think of protection being used to prevent a pregnancy in a situation that involves a penis and vagina, but several types of protection will offer disease prevention benefits in any situation, even in the cases of oral sex or sharing toys.

The following is a very limited list of forms of protection.  You should not use this list as your only source of information, only as a starting point for further research.

  • Condoms will help prevent both pregnancy and disease transmission.  Condoms are typically placed on a penis or a toy and should not be reused, and they should be changed between partners if sharing a toy.
  • Dental dams will help prevent disease transmission, but are not used to prevent pregnancy.  Dental dams are typically used to cover the vulva or anus during anal sex.  You can make a dental dam out of a condom, but you should not try to use a dental dam as a condom.
  • Gloves can be used during manual stimulation to prevent disease transmission.
  • Birth control pills, IUDs, diaphragms, and spermicides may help prevent pregnancy, but will not prevent disease transmission.

You should never use anything made out of latex with anything made out of oil.  You should only use water-based or latex compatible lubricants with latex condoms, dams, or other items.  Oil will break down the latex and render it useless.  Things like hand lotion, Vaseline, mineral oil, or cooking oil may seem like a good lubricant, but they should never be used on latex.

And finally, if you want to use protection, for any reason, and your partner does not, say no.  That decision is yours and yours alone.  Don’t let any talk about “raincoats” or “it feels better without it” or “the test I took ten years ago said I was clean” or any amount of other whining convince you otherwise.  Remember, the words “Don’t worry, I’ll be careful” have never prevented a pregnancy or STD transmission.

Am I still asexual if I’ve had sex?

Yes.

Asexuality is a sexual orientation.  Sexual behavior does not change that.  Remember, it’s about attraction, not action.

Will it be as good as I’ve heard?

“Sex is the best thing ever!  It’ll rock your world and blow your mind!”

Despite what people say, this generally isn’t actually the case.  Sex is probably not the best thing ever, it’s probably not going to rock your world or blow your mind.

In particular, your first time is likely to be awkward and confusing and potentially even painful.  And you should know that’s a possibility going in.  Don’t expect to wake up the next morning to a new understanding of the universe.  Don’t even necessarily expect to have an orgasm.

Additionally, for asexual people, sex tends to be underwhelming.  It’s not uncommon for aces to feel disconnected, out of place, or even bored while having sex.

How fast should I go?

If you’re jumping straight to the “Let’s have sex now” step, you might want to slow down and get there in stages.  Heading straight to sex without working up to it can be a little daunting.  Smaller steps will help you find your footing and be more comfortable with what you’re doing.  Have a set goal in mind for a given day and don’t worry about trying to do too much, too fast. ”Today, we’ll kiss”, ”Today, we’ll strip to our underwear and cuddle”, “Today, we’ll get naked and become familiar with each other’s body”, “Today, I’ll watch as you masturbate”, “Today, let’s have sex”.  Something like that, although not necessarily those specific tasks.  That way, when you get to the sex, everything won’t be so overwhelming.

Then again, if you feel comfortable going straight to the “Let’s have sex now” step and skipping the rest, go right ahead.  There’s nothing wrong with that.

Be comfortable with your partner.

It’s very important to be comfortable with your partner.  You will probably want to discuss the situation beforehand.  If you’re not sure you want to have sex, but are thinking about trying it out, talk to them in a non-sexual situation about any concerns you might have and about what you might be willing to do.  Having a partner who is patient, understanding, and willing to guide you if you want can be a huge help.  Having a partner who is part of the process will also help ensure that they know what your goals are, and they won’t pressure you for more or be frustrated or overly disappointed if you back out.

Speaking of which…

It’s okay to back out.

At any time, for any reason, it is absolutely okay to back out.  It’s okay to stop.  It’s okay to turn your yes into a no.  It is your body and yours alone.  You are allowed to say no at any point in the process.

You are allowed to say no and stop when the subject of sex is first brought up.

You are allowed to say no and stop after agreeing to have sex.

You are allowed to say no and stop on the way to the bedroom.

You are allowed to say no and stop during a pre-sex make-out session.

You are allowed to say no and stop when they reach for a zipper.

You are allowed to say no and stop during foreplay.

You are even allowed to say no and stop during sex itself.

Sure, your partner may be frustrated or upset by this, but that’s their problem.  No matter how frustrated or upset they are, it does not give them a right to do something to you that you do not want done.

Is there a “right way” to have sex?  Do I have to perform a checklist of things for it to be any good?

Porn often gives the impression that sex has to be a complicated series of different actions in a certain order, as if there’s rules that say:  “You must perform at least three activities from list A, in at least four positions from list B.  You must not remain in any combination of activity and position for any longer than 90 seconds.”

Porn is like that because there probably are those rules for film production.  By changing things up and showing a number of different things, it gives the viewer something they like to see and keeps them interested.  But it’s just another way that porn is unrealistic.

When you have sex, you don’t have to work off a checklist.  You don’t have to change what you’re doing based off a timer.  Do what works for you for as long as it works for you.  If that means two minutes of missionary and then you call it a night, that’s the right way to have sex for you.  If that means more moves than the Olympic gymnastics competition, that’s the right way to have sex for you.

Changing up activities and positions can lead to different sensations and the excitement of variety, but it is in no way required.

How much sex should I have?

Some people never have sex.  Some people have it twice a day.  Some people have it once a week or once a decade.  Those are all perfectly fine amounts of sex.  There’s a misconception that you must have at least so much sex in order to be in a happy relationship.  The reality is that if you’re in a happy relationship, then you’re in a happy relationship, regardless of how much sex you’re having.  And if you’re in an unhappy relationship, it probably won’t matter how much sex you’re having.

What about fluids?

One of the biggest concerns people have about sex are the fluids involved.  Yes, there are fluids.  Several types, in fact.  Various forms of sex often involve one body part moving across another, and many of these fluids help to lubricate and decrease the friction present in that motion.  It can be uncomfortable to have sex without adequate lubrication.

If you dislike the thought of fluids but want to try sex anyway, there are three things to keep in mind:

  1. The volume of the fluids is probably less than you expect.  Usually, just a few milliliters.
  2. Urine is typically not one of the fluids.
  3. Most forms of protection will block or contain fluids, because that’s precisely what they’re designed to do.

Here are the more common fluids you may encounter:

  • Saliva:  Found in the mouth.  Also known as spit.  Usually encountered during kissing or oral sex.
  • Sweat:  Sex can be a form of exercise, and with all forms of exercise, participants may break a sweat.
  • Blood:  At “that time of the month”, there may be blood present within the vagina.  (However, blood appearing anywhere else or at some other time is probably a sign that something is not right.)
  • Vaginal lubrication:  The walls of the vagina will often release a lubricating fluid when aroused.  This fluid is somewhat slippery and can aid in penetration.
  • Precum/Pre-ejaculate:  After a period of arousal, the penis may begin to produce a small amount of a clear, slippery fluid from the urethra.
  • Personal lubricant:  This is artificial lubricant, for cases when the natural lubricant is insufficient.  This can be bought at most drugstores or the pharmacy aisle of a supermarket.
  • Semen:  Usually during orgasm, semen will be expelled from the penis.  It is usually a somewhat thick, whitish substance, but it will vary in color and consistency.  Semen contains sperm.  For people who find fluids disgusting, this one is usually viewed as the worst.  There are several things to note:  The owner of the penis can usually sense when it’s about to happen and can therefore direct where it goes (to some degree).  Also, the ejaculation will be entirely contained within a properly worn, intact condom, since that’s what they’re for.

There are also activities that will limit the presence of or contact with fluids.  Frottage or “Dry Humping” is an activity where one partner rubs against another while remaining fully clothed.  There is no direct genital contact and all fluids remain within the clothing.

Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want and say no to what you don’t want.

Even though you’re asexual, it’s perfectly fine to have preferences about what you want to do or don’t want to do when having sex.  If there’s something you like to do or want to do or like to have done to you, tell your partner.  And if there’s something you absolutely loathe, tell your partner.  Many people have a misconception that there shouldn’t be any talking during sex, and that all communication will be non verbal and clearly understood. That’s complete nonsense.

Is it okay to dislike or not want sex?

No one expects everyone to like roller coasters.  No one expects everyone to like sushi.  No one expects everyone to like hiking.  No one expects everyone to like reality TV.  No one expects everyone to like cute, fluffy puppies.  There is absolutely nothing that everyone likes.  So no one should expect everyone to like sex.

It’s okay to not like sex.  It’s okay to not want sex.  You’re not broken, you’re not missing some fundamental part of the human experience.  You’re just not a fan of a recreational activity.  Big deal.

Is it okay to like sex or want it, even if I’m asexual?

Asexuality is not “I hate sex”.

Asexuality is not “I don’t want sex”.

Asexuality is not “I can’t have sex”.

You’re allowed to like sex and want to have sex, even if you’re asexual.  Your orientation is about attraction, not action.  What you do doesn’t matter.

Do I have to compromise?

Many people seem to think that “compromise” is a dirty word when it comes to sex and asexuals.  The reality is that sex is pretty much always a compromise, no matter who is involved.  Compromise isn’t limited to asexuals.

Often, one partner will want sex more often than the other.

Often, one partner will like certain things more than the other.

Often, one partner will want it to last longer than the other.

Often, one partner will want their partner to do things their partner isn’t interested in doing.

And so on.

That’s where compromise comes in.  You say “I’ll do that, if you do this”.  You say “Not tonight, but maybe later”.  You say “I’m not a fan of that, but I’ll try this”.  Compromise should be fairly balanced, it’s not about one person getting their way entirely.

And compromise should never involve you feeling forced to do things you absolutely refuse to do.  If you do not, under any circumstances, want to do a certain thing, then do not do it.  And if your “do not, under any circumstances” thing happens to be having sex at all, then don’t have sex.

As with any negotiations, there may be deal breakers that cause the parties involved to walk away.  If you do not want to have sex at all, or do not want to have sex in the way that your partner desires, and that’s a major issue for your partner, then you may have a fundamentally incompatible relationship, and everyone involve might be better off with a break up.  You shouldn’t have sex just to save a relationship, because relationships that need sex to “save” them usually can’t be saved.

Do I have to know what to do?

Despite the myths, no one is born instinctually knowing how to have amazing sex.  Even non-asexual people are generally clueless about exactly what to do when they first try it.  Your partner probably won’t mind your inexperience.  You should feel free to ask them for guidance or have them tell you what things they like.  You’re allowed to need to figure things out.

You’re also allowed to do research ahead of time.  There are a number of trustworthy websites that provide information and advice on sex.  You don’t have to memorize the Kama Sutra and the collected works of Dr. Ruth, just get familiar with some of the basics. You can also talk about what to expect with your partner.

Which brings me to…

It’s okay to plan ahead of time.

Sex does not have to be some completely spontaneous, unplanned event.  Some people find that they’re more comfortable with what’s going on if they have some idea of where it is leading and what will happen next.  You are allowed to plan as much or as little as you want.  You can pick the date and time.  You can pick the location.  You can decide what you’re interested in doing.  You can decide the sequence of events.  You can involve your partner in this planning, or keep it to yourself, if you’d rather.  And you’re allowed to change your plans after you get started.

Will I have to make noise when I have sex?

Porn and pop culture often make sex out to be a noisy scream-fest, with all sorts of moaning and exclamations going on.  It doesn’t have to be like that.  Sex can be as quiet or as loud as you want it to be.  If you’re uncomfortable with moaning, screaming, or “talking dirty”, you don’t have to do any of that.  Sounds can be used as a way for communicate with your partner, but a simple, quiet “yes” or “mmm” is often enough to get the point across.

Is it okay to give myself a “helping hand”?

When having sex, you are allowed to stimulate yourself if you want to.  In some cases, the actions of your partner may not be getting the job done, or you might want to be stimulated in a certain place in a certain way.  There’s nothing wrong with taking care of yourself.  It does not mean that your partner is inadequate or that your asexuality prevents you from feeling something.  Many non-asexual people will also stimulate themselves during sex.

Is it okay to have an orgasm during sex, even if I’m asexual?

There’s a strange misconception that if an asexual person is having sex, that they can’t get anything out of it themselves.  Like if they have an orgasm, it means they’re not asexual.  As a result, an asexual having sex is supposed to simply lie there and do whatever their partner wants and not feel any pleasure from it.

Nonsense.

If you want to have an orgasm while having sex, then it’s okay to have an orgasm during sex.  Have two or three or fourteen if that’s what you want.  Orgasm is an experience of physical pleasure that has nothing to do with your orientation.

But do I have to have an orgasm?

On the other hand, if orgasm isn’t your thing or you don’t want one at the moment, you don’t have to have one.  There’s another misconception that sex is a failure unless everyone has an orgasm, but that is not the case.  Sex can be satisfying and successful even if you don’t get off.  If you don’t want one, clearly communicate to your partner how you feel, and let them know that it’s okay if you don’t have one and that you’d rather not have them try.

Do I have to try it to know for sure that I’m asexual?

If you don’t want to have sex, you don’t have to try it in order to “prove” that you really don’t want to.  You know you don’t want to, and that’s enough.  Think of it this way.  You don’t have to go rock climbing to know you’re not interested in rock climbing.  You don’t have to stick your hand in a vat full of spiders and millipedes to know you’d find that unpleasant.  It’s possible to know that you don’t want to do something without doing it.

For the most part, having sex won’t change you.  It won’t make you taller, it won’t make you stronger, it won’t make you smarter, it won’t make you smell like honeysuckle, it won’t give you the ability to fly or see through walls or turn invisible.  You’ll get a few experience points, but that’s it.  You’ll still be you and you’ll still be asexual.

I’m not aware of anyone who has had sex and suddenly decided that they’re not actually asexual after all.  They may decide that they enjoyed it.  They might be willing to do it again.  But it’s unlikely that it will fundamentally change you and make you not ace anymore.

If I try it once, to I have to keep doing it?

If you have sex once, it doesn’t permanently flip a switch inside that makes you obligated to have sex over and over again.  If you try it and realize that you’re not a fan, you don’t have to do it again.  If that upsets your partner, that’s their problem to deal with.  Having sex with someone once does not guarantee a repeat in the future.

Will my partner understand that I’m asexual?

Your partner will probably want sex more than you.

Your partner may not understand why you’re not interested in sex.

Your partner may decide that a lack of sex is a relationship deal-breaker.

Your partner may want to do things you’re uncomfortable with.

Your partner may wish you felt differently about sex.

Your partner may feel that you don’t love them because you won’t sleep with them or because you don’t find them attractive.

Here’s the thing:  All of those issues can happen in any relationship, not just one where one of the partners is asexual.

[Up to Main]

The Comment Section: An Exploration of Negative Remarks on the Huffington Post Series About Asexuality

Posted on by
2

Last year, the Huffington Post ran a series of six articles on asexuality.  It was one of the most in-depth and comprehensive explorations about what asexuality is and what asexuals go through.  It went further than most articles, which are largely limited to “There’s these people called asexuals that exist”, and was free of the judgmental claims of “Aren’t they weird?” that permeate most things writing on the subject.  All-in-all, an excellent series. Except, it’s on the Internet and had a comment section. Comment sections are designed to be a place for readers to interact with authors, a place where ideas can be discussed and debated, a place where the curious can learn more about the topic at hand.  Unfortunately, if you’ve ever had the misfortune to stumble into a comment section, you’ll find that they’re often a cesspool of unapologetic ignorance, random political accusations, and general negativity. The comments on the Huffington Post series on asexuality were no exception.  While marginally less toxic than the comments on most pieces about asexuality, they were still filled with negative comments. Shortly after the series was published, I realized that the volume of comments would make it a good candidate for a case study on the classes and categories of negativity that people spout when they’re faced with asexuality.  I wanted to explore what people say, expose why it’s hurtful or wrong, and hopefully give people tools to deal with the same sorts of comments in the future.

Methodology:

I started by pulling down all of the comments from the six articles in the series.  In order to do this, I wrote a custom application that would download all of the comments.  This was done by reverse engineering the AJAX browser requests made to the server when navigating the comments.  Then, I made synthetic requests to the server, in order to download all of the comments.  In the end, I extracted almost all of the comments from all of the stories.  The number of comments I downloaded for each article didn’t quite match the number of comments reported by the site, but it was close enough that I didn’t feel it would be worth spending more time in an attempt to figure out if there was a bug in my code or if the site itself was reporting numbers incorrectly.  In the end, I had gathered 2917 comments. Once I had all of the comments, I read each one and attempted to categorize the sentiments expressed.  Each comment could potentially include multiple negative sentiments, so a comment would be counted separately under each one.  I did not attempt an overall accounting of positive vs. negative vs. neutral comments.  At the end, I came up with 178 different categories of negative remarks. The classification was clearly subjective and arbitrary.  Additionally, I only performed a single pass of the comments, so it is possible that some comments were overlooked.  There were also some times where I got tired of reading the same troll repeat the same thing over and over and over that I stopped counting every transgression.  On the other side of things, there were several cases where I discovered a new classification, one which I knew had been used several times previously.  In those cases, instead of reviewing every comment up to that point in order to determine whether or not they fit, I simply estimated the number of times it had been used. Because of these shortcuts, I will not be reporting the numbers of my final tallies.  Certainly, there would be some benefit to reviewing and classifying these comments with a more strict and rigorous approach, but my goal was not to produce a peer-reviewed scientific paper that crunched the numbers.  Instead, I wanted to write about the comments themselves, and the admittedly loose data gathering process does not impact the validity of those findings. The raw data is available here:

Full Comment Set For All Articles (combined HTML)

Negative Comment Classification (tsv, dots represent individual comments)

About the Results:

What I found is that the comments were a mix of invalidation, marginalization, territoriality, outright trolling, disbelief, and general negativity.  (Big surprise there.)  Pretty much every derailing tactic was on display, and I could have filled up dozens of Asexual Bingo cards.  And, of course, there was plenty of whining and intrusive questions. The publisher of the articles is notable, as it likely had a hand in the makeup of some of the themes that I saw.  The Huffington Post is a prominent outlet that focuses primarily on left-leaning political news.  As a result, virtually every article on the site will get negative comments from right-leaning people who disagree with everything that was said, whether or not the article is about politics.  Additionally, the articles were featured in a section called “Gay Voices”, which lead to a lot of people openly questioning why an article on asexuality belonged there.  I did not attempt to filter out or correct for these sorts of comments.  On the other hand, it is likely that being published here reduced the overall number of negative remarks, as the primary audience for a “Gay Voices” section of a liberal website will be people who are regularly exposed to and accepting of non-heteronormative orientations. While analyzing the comments for this series, there were a couple of high profile GSRM-related stories that hit the news.  First, Facebook announced that they had expanded their gender selections beyond just “Male” and “Female”, to include a number of trans and non-binary identities, as well.  Second, Ellen Page made a coming out speech.  I read the comment sections on articles about both of those events, and was struck by the similarity to what had been posted to the asexuality series.  In many cases, they were the same dismissive and hateful nonsensical remarks, almost exactly word-for-word.  While I had originally intended to write this for asexual people who have to deal with comments like these, it has become clear that what I’m about to discuss is likely to have wider relevance. It’s important to note that I am not claiming that every negative comment is just as bad as another.  Some, like the comments that implied that not telling anyone that you’re asexual would prevent corrective rape, are repugnant and disgusting, while the countless “Asexuality? lol It’s called being married!” jokes are more tiring and annoying than hostile.  In this series, I will be discussing the entire spectrum of remarks. Although I do provide some possible responses to the comments, they are by no means the only right answer.  There will undoubtedly be many other ways to respond.  Also, understand that in many cases, you should not expect to change the mind of the commenter.  In most cases, you’ll find that they’re a close-minded jackass with no interest in being correct, they’re just there to get the last word in an argument, no matter how inaccurate that last word is.  So, for the most part, you’re not doing it for them, you’re doing it for everyone else who may be reading the comments, people whose minds have not yet been thoroughly enveloped by ignorance.  And be willing to walk away.  Trolls are generally psychopathic sadists who get off on attacking people, so if you walk away, they lose. And finally, when I quote some of the actual comments, they’re an example of what was said for context.  Do not track down the people who wrote them.  That’s not what this is for.  If you somehow think that spreading hate in response to hate is a good idea, then you’ve completely missed my point. After the initial classification, I grouped the comments into larger themes, which I will be writing about in the posts of this series.  The themes are as follows:

 

The Comment Section: It’s All Too Complicated!

Posted on by
6

[Return to Overview]

These cries ring out virtually any time asexuality is mentioned.

“I don’t understand!”

“It’s too complicated!”

Translated, what they really mean is:

“I don’t want to bother to understand!”

“It’s all new to me, so I’m just going to call it complicated!”

Comments like these approach asexuality not as a rich and complex part of the human experience.  Instead, they approach asexuality as a whiny teenager approaches a trigonometry exam.  They don’t want to put in the effort required to learn anything new, so instead, they just start complaining.

Now, certainly, if you ever find yourself in the middle of a deck of aces, there will be words used that you’ve never heard before.  You don’t have to understand all of them, and honestly, that’s fine.  But there’s a big difference between admitting that you don’t understand what a queerplatonic squish on a panromantic non-libidoist is and dismissively complaining that asexuality as a whole is too complicated to bother to try to understand.

Specific Subclasses:

There are too many labels!  Not another community! [#]

Examples:

  • I just think that too many labels are not such a good thing and people should not judge others on “their label” (well, that’s my point of view).
  • oh for gods sake, enough with the labels. good grief,
  • geezuz..another community? why all the labels..i can’t get enuff sex from my wife, i’m male and wife’s a female. I know you find that strange , but what label does that give me
  • Oh great. Another community to not be a part of.
  • Or great, another group of innocent people for the GOP and Fundies to victimize.

Why these comments are a problem:

In general, people who complain about labels and communities are not a part of the communities and are not described by the labels that they are complaining about.   Often, they’ll complain that there are “too many labels”, as if there’s one of those plastic punch label makers that we’re all sharing, and it’s running short of tape.  The reality is that for many of these people, the only label they ever want to see is “straight”.

These are not people having a label applied to them against their will.  They have absolutely no right to complain.

Labels are not a way to be “unique” or “special”.  Labels are a way to communicate.  They’re a way to describe our experiences and feelings.  They’re not a strict cage that limits who we are to a word, they’re freeing.  They let us say “Here is who I am” without having to spend an hour and a half trying to come up with the right analogies and descriptions.

The label “asexual” and the community of asexuals has had a profound positive impact on my life.  They’re trying to deny me that.

How to respond:

  • Explain that just because a label does not apply to them, that doesn’t mean that other people don’t find it valuable.
  • Inform them that the number of labels or communities is not limited, and that there can be as many groupings and descriptions as people feel are necessary.
  • Explain that words are useful, self-contained descriptions of complicated concepts.  Bonus points for offering a snarky, over the top example of how a complex thing can be compressed into a single word (like “localized or regional temporary occurrence of water drops falling from clouds in the atmosphere” can also be called “rain”).

Do we need another word for this? [#]

Examples:

  • That’s ridiculous. Another word for it is a eunich who have been around since biblical times.
  • I am genuinely perplexed by this. Why is there a need to label someone asexual? If you are just not interested in sex, how does this even come up?
  • why make a group out of it. why not just say i prefer not to have sex, don’t need a reason, it’s your choice. isn’t just saying your celibate mean the same thing?
  • So, is being asexual now the official way to explain that you’re ok with being single? Do we really need another label for people?
  • We don’t need a new category for people who can’t get dates or who are too shy to close the deal on sex.
  • If people are happy being celibate then more power to them.

Why these comments are a problem:

These sorts of comments are made by people who fundamentally do not understand what asexuality is and generally have no interest in learning.

How to respond:

  • Just point out that they’re wrong.

It’s too complicated.  You can’t even agree on a definition! [#]

Examples:

  • My first thought was that there is something wrong when specifying your sexual identity is more complex than ordering at Starbucks.
  • How can a group of people identify as themselves under a certain name, if they all have different interpretations of its definition?
  • Here is an idea. Let’s get in a big discussion without first agreeing on the meaning of the key word.

Why these comments are a problem:

“Asexuality:  A sexual orientation characterized by a persistent lack of sexual attraction toward any gender.”

Hey, that was easy, right?

That’s what it boils down to.  That’s the definition pretty much everyone uses, although we all say it in different ways.  Some people will specifically add an extra clause for “or does not experience a desire for partnered sexual activity”, while others include that as part of “sexual attraction”.  We may have different ways of describing it and different points we emphasize, but we’re not fundamentally disagreeing with each other.

It’s like the color blue.  I know what blue is.  You probably know what blue is.  The shade of blue I’m thinking of right now is almost certainly different than the shade of blue you’re thinking of.  But we’re both thinking about blue.  We agree about the concept of blue.  We’ll include sky blue and Dodger Blue and navy blue and generally will even take cyan.  People don’t go around saying “Well, what about red?  Is that blue?”  They don’t force people to decide on a very specific wavelength range that can be considered “blue” to the exclusion of all others.  No one is ever going to say “This is too complicated.  You all can’t agree what blue is, so I don’t believe in blue.”

People who say we can’t agree on a definition just aren’t listening to us.

And yeah, it can be complicated.  Human sexuality kinda is like that.  But asexuality is no more complicated than any other sexual orientation.  That definition we use is essentially the same definition structure used for any other sexual orientation.  And every other sexual orientation is really freaking complicated when you start looking at them, too.  Let’s try it out, shall we?

“Heterosexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by exclusive sexual attraction toward members of the opposite sex.”

Sure, okay, people will take that as an accurate definition of heterosexuality.  But wait a minute…  What about frequency and number of occurrences here?  Are we talking just one case ever and that’s enough?  Or does it require a pattern, like at least two a year for three years in a row, just to be sure?  Does someone have to be at least 30 or something to make sure there’s no same sex attraction hiding somewhere, before they can say “It’s only been guys, so yeah, I’m heterosexual”?  And then there’s “Exclusive”.  What about people who tried out for the other team that one time after getting drunk in college?  So, not exclusively, but maybe “primarily toward members of the opposite sex”?  But then how far does “primarily” extend, before it ventures into bisexual territory?  And about the phrase “opposite sex” there…  Is it really sex?  Or is it gender?  Or gender presentation?  And “opposite”?  Well, what about intersex people that happen to look “male” or “female”?  Are they “opposite”?  If a man is attracted to a CAIS intersex person, do you go by chromosomes or external features to determine that man’s sexual orientation?  And while we’re at it, just what in the hell is “sexual attraction”, anyway?  Unless you can define it all precisely and unambiguously, then I refuse to believe that heterosexuality exists, because it’s too complicated for me and you can’t agree on a definition.

How to respond:

  • Plainly state the definition.    Bonus points for using condescending dictionary style part of speech and pronunciation guides.
  • Point out that the commonly accepted definition of asexuality is identical in structure to the commonly accepted definitions of other sexual orientations.

[Return to Overview]

The Comment Section: Everything’s Political

Posted on by
4

[Return to Overview]

When the trolls aren’t busy trying to use flawed science to discredit asexuality, they often take a political tone.  Usually, this ends up in some crackpot shouting the same tired nonsense that’s been thrown at gay people for decades, but once in a while, they’ll come up with something specific for asexuals.

Specific Subclasses:

 

They just want special rights! [#]

Examples:

  • People who choose to do or not to something in a specific sexual manner, all think they are a “special” group that deserves special Rights.
  • The next thing you know they will be seeking special rights because they feel they were born this way. This society is in mass confusion.
  • Everybody wants special rights/ attention for some off the wall made condition.
  • Does this mean someone over 40 single and never married can claim they are an “Ace” and be given hiring preferences to get a job?
  • next civil rights cause – asexuals should be able to not marry another axesual and get all the federal benefits as heterosexuals and homosexuals —— and you KNOW we’ll see that lawsuit soon

Why these comments are a problem:

These comments are nothing more than an old, tired fear that The Other is going to come along and take from People Like Me, or worse, will get something that People Like Me don’t have, simply because they’re The Other.  It’s always framed as a theft of some kind or somehow unfair to the group in power.

It’s been thrown around for ages.  Transgender people are stealing our bathrooms!  Gay people are stealing our marriage!  Foreigners are stealing our country!  Black people are stealing our jobs!  The Irish are stealing our neighborhoods!  Suffragettes are stealing our democracy!  People who don’t own land are stealing our power!  It is now and has always been complete nonsense!

Acknowledgement and recognition are not “Special Rights”.

How to respond:

  •  Point and laugh, because really, anyone using the “special rights” line these days just needs to be publically ridiculed.

Asexuals are piloting the black helicopters!  (and other crackpot conspiracy theories) [#]

Examples:

  • “Asexuality” has to be another American phenomenon. I bet is started in inventive California.
  • “Is Asexuality A Disorder?” That will depend on how much the pharmaceutical industry stands to profit from treating it.
  • Congratulations Liberalism more damage to society
  • Or great, another group of innocent people for the GOP and Fundies to victimize.
  • I blame sex education in schools for some of this asexuality, starting children to thinking and talking about sex too soon and experimenting with their same sex friends.
  • oh no……….now we are going to have asexual boy and girl scouts and transponders and gays……….my head hurts…
  • I’m a little worried about where we’re taking civilization – to an early extinction?
  • As Rameses for example had over 100 children. However, such a display, would make him more of a Goat than a God? Goats are beneath Oxen.

Why these comments are a problem:

We have enough trouble dealing with people who are still within our plane of reality.

How to respond:

  • Back away slowly.  Don’t make any sudden movements.   Don’t make eye contact.  Speak slowly and calmly in a low monotone voice to let them know that you are human and not a threat.

It’s a pure and righteous gift from God! [#]

Examples:

  • Perhaps being asexual is a gift..as it keeps you away from sexual temptation such as fornication, adultery, and homosexuality as long as you don’t give into peer pressure to act from gay or straight communities.
  • They are eternally Asexual. That is their eternal Gift. That is their victory. That is the kingdom of Heaven. They are forever saved!
  • My words here, but Christ said somewhere in the Bible that some don’t burn with lust, and they can be of more service to God.
  • The straight moral majority will take them if the gays won’t…Nonsexual attraction is not a sin..so we don’t have a problem with it.
  • Seems your asexuality would make you pure and holy.
  • Asexuality, that’s a new one…Sounds like the Bible is okay with it so, so am I. Now that sexually self-questioning teen now has a third option..asexuality. “Maybe the reason you don’t like girls is because you are asexual”. Gay doesn’t always have to be the alternative.

Why these comments are a problem:

People who head down this line of thinking only want to use us as shining examples of sexual “purity” to attack others with.

Oh, look at those asexuals.  They’re not tempted by the flesh.  They don’t fornicate. Why don’t you be like them instead of being gay?

Comments like these were actually some of the most dangerous ones I encountered.  Most of the people who make objectionable comments on articles are just garden variety trolls who’ll forget all about asexuality the moment they click away from the page.  These people are not like that.  They see asexuality as a weapon in their own personal holy war.  I can imagine them calling up one of their church group friends, all excited about this new thing they learned, and how they should start preaching that people should become asexual instead of choosing to turn gay.

Asexuality is not a rebellion against a world of sin.  It’s not an expression of morality.  It’s not a stand against fornication or adultery or abortion or homosexuality.  It’s a sexual orientation.  And I won’t let anyone try to use it as a weapon in their misguided fight against reality.

How to respond:

  • Explain that asexuality is not a morality position.  It’s not abstinence or purity or righteousness or anything else like that.
  • If they try to make any claims that asexuality is somehow superior to other orientations, if they try to say that people should “choose” to be asexual instead of being gay, or if they make similarly offensive statements, forcefully reject what they are saying.  You do not have to be nice or even polite.
  • If applicable, detail any incidents of fornication, sexual immorality, or homoerotic thoughts or actions that you have taken part in.

Have fun in Hell! [#]

Examples:

  • go for what is pure and righteous jesus is there to help you he loves u he died for u find out why he died he did not do this for nothing we are something to him
  • Depraved mind and soul leads to much evil, resist the devil and he will flee from you, promised the Lord
  • You can give it a name and a definition but it’s all a fallacy. Sexuality, like any other aspect of being human is really prone to flaw and brokenness. It’s a brokenness of the fallen state of man. That’s why people need God and it’s what the human heart longs after, not really the physical pleasures (or not) of sex.
  • Society needs to fear God and get back to the bible again. Judgment day is coming.

Why these comments are a problem:

The flip side of the “Asexuality is God’s gift in the war against sexual immorality” are the people who believe that asexuality itself is a sin.  They never really explain why, they just shout condemnations and head on their way.

I often wonder what would happen if one of these hyper-religious “Asexuality is a sin” people got stuck in an elevator with one of those hyper-religious “Asexuality is pure and righteous” people.

How to respond:

  • Matthew 19:12

[Return to Overview]

The Comment Section: Nothing Bad Happens

Posted on by
8

[Return to Overview]

One claim you’ll see over and over in comments on articles about asexuality is the belief that nothing bad ever happens to asexual people.  Life is easy and free of troubles for us.  We never have problems with relationships, and nobody has ever treated someone differently because they were asexual.  The commenters can’t fathom why anyone would have a problem due to being asexual, so therefore no such problems can possibly exist.

So, apparently…

No asexual has ever felt broken or alienated or alone.

No asexual has ever been rejected by friends and family.

No asexual has ever had an endless stream of relationships fail because of sex.

No asexual has ever been ridiculed or mocked or been told they’re broken or inhuman.

No asexual has ever has had someone offer to “fix the problem” through sex.

No asexual has ever been raped by the person who offered to “fix the problem”.

No asexual has ever been beaten or killed because they wouldn’t “put out”.

The commenter, despite just having learned of the existence of asexuality, has never seen any of these things happen and they don’t know anyone that these things have happened to, therefore they refuse to believe that such things happen, even after being presented with first hand accounts of them actually happening to actual asexuals.

In many cases, the commenter will dismiss the problems that asexual people might face because they’re not perceived to be as severe as the problems faced by other people.  Rarely are these more severe problems ever encountered by the commenter themselves, but that fact does not deter the commenter from using these issues to attempt to silence asexuals.

Specific Subclasses:

Asexuals aren’t persecuted or oppressed or discriminated against! [#]

Examples:

  • People will continue being Special Snowflakes and claim to be an oppressed minority because it’s better than just being different, and continue to offend actual oppressed minorities.
  • Even if asexual is a sexual orientation, those who have it are not legally oppressed in any way.
  • and last time I checked asexuality is not actively being persecuted by society
  • There are no laws barring asexual people from marriage nor are churches blaming asexuals for hurricanes, shootings, etc.
  • Unless you go around wearing a sign saying you’re asexual, society doesn’t know and doesn’t care so you couldn’t possibly be discriminated against in any intentional way.
  • I see what you are saying, but nobody has ever killed someone for being asexual.

Why these comments are a problem:

Ohhh…  Where to begin with this…

First of all, it is exceedingly rare that someone who is asexual makes a claim of oppression or discrimination or persecution or whatever over some trivial matter.  If an asexual says that they were oppressed or discriminated against or persecuted because they were asexual, listen to them.  Because they probably were.

Next, in the vast majority of cases, the thing the person is commenting on never even remotely mentions oppression or persecution.  The commenter is pulling oppression out of thin air to use it as an attack.  It’s a strawman.  Simply saying “I am asexual and I exist” is not a claim of oppression.  Talking about your sexual orientation does not indicate that you think you’ve been persecuted for it.  Discussing a problem you’ve encountered in your life does not mean that you’re saying that you have it worse than everyone else.

Oddly, these people seem to believe that facing oppression and persecution is a necessary condition for having a minority sexual identity.  You apparently don’t get to join the club unless you, personally, experience daily oppression for who you are.  And they’ll often be very specific about what qualifies.  Often, being denied the right to marry comes up as the criteria.  Asexuals can’t be possibly be included because no one is preventing them from being married.  Right, so, what that means is that where I live, in the State of Washington, gays and lesbians also can’t be included, because we passed R74 a few years back, and the Winsdor case made the Feds recognize these marriages.  And does that mean that someone would be considered queer in some other states, but not queer in Washington, at least not after December 9th, 2012?  Over time, as laws change and as people become enlightened, such a definition will cover fewer and fewer people.

A number of these kinds of comments suggest that keeping quiet will let you pass and prevent oppression.  Are you asexual?  Just keep it to yourself and nothing will ever happen!  Well hey, that’s a great idea!  Let’s have everyone do that!  Hey, Sally, got a homophobic boss?  Well, just show up at the office party with a beard to throw him off the scent!  Hey, Joe, nervous about what people might think of your religion?  What’s the big deal, hide that prayer rug and no one will ever know!  Hey, Phil, live in a town full of racists?  That’s what thick white cake makeup is for!  …  Never mind that forcing someone to hide who they are out of fear is a form of oppression.

These comments usually ignore intersectionality of any kind.  It’s a blanket “Asexuals are not oppressed!  Asexuals have no relevant problems!”.  That means that if you’re a homoromantic ace or a trans ace or an asexual person of color, congratulations!  You will never experience any kind of oppression or discrimination or persecution of any kind, because your asexuality acts as an immunity idol.

It’s also just outright dismissive.  What these people are saying is, “I can’t think of any problems you might face off the top of my head, and you probably don’t have my problems, so I’m just going to yell at you for implying that you might have problems.”  Just because someone hasn’t heard of it happening, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

And when an asexual does try to bring up a problem that they actually have personally faced?  Well then, that doesn’t matter, because someone else has it worse.  You can’t talk about erasure, because there aren’t any laws against asexuality.  You can’t talk about having trouble with relationships, because you can’t get fired for being asexual.  You can’t talk about corrective rape, because you’ve never been killed for being asexual after walking out of a bar.  What they’re saying is that your problems aren’t important enough to talk about, because there are other, bigger problems out there.  Absolutely, all of those other issues are horrible, and it would be fantastic if we could find a way to solve them.  However, the fact that there are other problems out there, does not completely prohibit discussion and resolution of smaller problems.

“I’m sorry, you can’t deal with the leaky pipe that’s flooding your basement, because there’s a coal ash spill in North Carolina.” 

“I’m sorry, you can’t change your flat tire, because there’s a civil war in Syria.”

“I’m sorry, you can’t deal with that pebble in your shoe, because the inevitable heat death of the universe will eventually extinguish all possibility of life.”

That kind of thinking is ridiculous.  We’re not a one problem at a time kind of species.  There are enough of us to work on multiple problems at once, and it’s even possible for the same person to be working on more than one problem at the same time.  You have a right to talk about problems that you face, whatever they are, however big or small, simply because you face them, and you don’t have to go before some kind of Grand Unified Problem Importance Committee to justify it.

How to respond:

  • Detail the issues you’ve encountered, if you feel comfortable doing so.  First hand accounts can be very powerful.
  • Explain that your problems may not be the same problems as others, but that does not somehow make them less worthy of discussion.
  • Explain that something that may seem trivial to someone else is actually very important to you.
  • If you have encountered the exact scenario that they’re claiming “Never Happens To Asexuals”, call them on it.  Tell them exactly what happened to you.
  • First hand accounts or verifiable claims are better than hazy third person hearsay or gut feelings.  “This happened to me” or “Here’s a news story about this” are better than “I heard someone on AVEN once say” or “People on Tumblr think this”.
  • Avoid claims of oppression or “Having it worse”, even if you are oppressed or really do have it worse.  Nobody gets a medal in the Oppression Olympics.  Simply tell your story and let others hear what you have to say.
  • Remember that these claims are often made by trolls who’ll never concede.  You’re not in it to convince them.  You’re in it to show everyone else that what they’re saying is wrong.

No one has a problem with it. [#]

Examples:

  • Tell me, besides being looked at strangely when you announce your asexuality, what is the big deal about it? Are you going to risk being kicked out of your home for coming out as asexual? The biggest hurdle for the asexual community to possibly have to overcome seems to be, “to finally not be thought of as slightly weird/closet gay in denial/hormonally challenged until the doctor dispels that idea.”
  • And by the way, most people don’t care one way or the other if you are asexual.
  • No one is persecuting asexuals.
  • No one has a problem with it!
  • NO ONE is denying asexuals any attention, respect, or rights.

Why these comments are a problem:

First of all, this class of comments is an attempt to trivialize who we are.  They’re saying “What you are isn’t important enough to have a problem with.  Asexuality is a nothing.  You’re a nobody.”  Attempts to sideline us are unfortunately common.

More importantly, most of the time, the people making these claims don’t bother to look at the problems that asexuals do face.  They’ll mock serious problems that some of us do face and they’ll throw out and shoot down strawman problems that we don’t even claim to face.  They simply shut us down and tune us out before we can even talk about the issues facing us.

What problems do we tend to encounter because of our asexuality?

  • Pathologizing of asexuality as a disorder.
  • A lack of societal awareness of asexuality, which frequently leads to ignorance and insults.
  • Relationship issues, particularly family relationships and romantic relationships.
  • Difficulty navigating a sex-driven world, in particular, the social expectations regarding sex.
  • Threats, coercion, sexual assault, rape (in particular “corrective” rape), and potentially even murder.

These are just some of the problems that some asexual people face.  There are countless others.  They are real.  They do happen.  Do not let anyone deny this.

How to respond:

  • Detail a number of cases where people definitely do have a problem with it.  (SwankIVY’s “Letters to an Asexual” series, Anagnori’s invalidation tree, “Ace Bingo Cards”, and the parade scene in (A)sexuality are good resources for this.)
  • Point out that there are a large number of negative or hurtful comments being posted to the article.
  • Talk about situations where people you’ve encountered have had a problem with asexuality, if you feel comfortable doing so.

There are no laws against it.  What rights are they fighting for? [#]

Examples:

  • It is NOT part of the LGBT community. No one is denying any rights to people who choose not to have sex.
  • If being gay is about political rights, then they don’t fit in because they are not fighting for any kinds of rights because they are not being denied any thing.
  • What right is denied to an Asexual person? Just name one, please.

Why these comments are a problem:

It implies that “fighting for rights” is the only reason people ever identify as gay or transgender or what have you.  That’s a preposterous assertion.  It’s my understanding that people tend to identify as gay because they’re gay, not because they enjoy political organization.  Beyond that, the this claim implies that once those rights are granted, there will no longer be a need for the LGBT community.  “Cancel the parade, everyone!  Say goodbye to the Castro and the Village!  Board up the gay bars! Tear down those rainbow flags!  We’ve got our rights now, so it’s all unnecessary!”

Fighting for legal rights isn’t the only reason to form a community.  Being around other people who understand how you feel so you don’t have to constantly explain yourself is one of the primary reasons.  We also are drawn to find a community because so many of us felt alone, like we were the only person who felt this way.  The larger our community is, the more visible we are, and the more visible we are, the more likely someone else will be able to grow up knowing that they’re asexual, instead of feeling lost and broken for years until they stumble across the word.

Also, despite the claim, there actually are legal issues that concern asexuality.  Discrimination is one of them.  There are people who will discriminate against anyone who is not heterosexual.  While there are laws against discrimination based on sexual orientation in many places, in some cases, those laws are written in such a way that they do not include asexuality.  For instance, RCW 49.60.040 in the State of Washington (where I live) defines “sexual orientation” as “heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality, and gender expression or identity.”  Asexuality is not included.  Under the letter of the law, asexuals could legally be fired for being asexual.  There’s a report of an asexual couple who could not adopt a child because they were asexual.  Asexuals with homoromantic leanings may run into the same prohibitions against marriage that homosexual people fight against.  And if asexuals do get married, there are sometimes “consummation laws” that require sexual intercourse for a marriage to be considered “valid”, and that may not be something an asexual person is willing to do.

How to respond:

  • Inform the person that the LGBT community is about more than just “fighting for rights”, or it would disappear after those rights were obtained.
  • Explain that “fighting for rights” is not the only reason people seek community, recognition, and acceptance.
  • Discuss legal issues that have or potentially could impact you as an asexual.

They just want attention! [#]

Examples:

  • WHY do people find it necessary to display their orientation to the public? Is it low self esteem or a desire to get attention?
  • [A prominent asexuality activist] may not be attracted to men (or women), but she sure is attracted to attention.
  • If it isn’t bad enough that we have Gays and the like, now some DA Wants to play the Asexual Card for attention?
  • We need mroe attention seekers in the world (sarc)
  • Having a crusade to announce to the world that you are asexual is just a desperate plea for attention over LITERALLY nothing.
  • Yes, it is disgusting that one would lie about “sexual assault” for attention.

Why These Comments Are A Problem:

I always find it fascinating that these remarks are often thrown at asexuality activists who were interviewed for an article.  What?  You mean that awareness and visibility activists are just talking about asexuality for attention?  WHAT A SHOCK!

Of course they’re doing it for attention.  That’s kinda the whole point.  Trying to insult and discredit an asexuality activist by saying they want attention is like trying to insult and discredit a NASCAR driver by saying they just want to show off how fast their car is.

On a more serious note, however, these comments are not strictly directed toward an activist who’s out there as a face for the cause.  They often imply that the only reason any asexuals want to talk about asexuality is for the “Look at me, look at me” factor.  They’re suggesting that we’re making it up, that we’re just pretending to be like this, that we’re lying about it all.  Most of the time, they never explain why we’d do something like this “for attention”, particularly when the attention we do get is so often negative.

In some cases, they make disgusting assertions that we talk about asexuality specifically because we want to be victims.  This type of remark is a corollary to the claim that keeping asexuality to ourselves will solve all our problems.  It flips that thinking around, and states that because we’re talking about it, we want to have problems, because problems will make us victims, and being victims will make us…  something?  I don’t really know where they’re going with that argument.  In any case, it’s not an argument that is limited in use to people attacking asexuality.  It gets thrown at just about anyone who doesn’t conform to the narrow norms of the close minded.  And it doesn’t make any sense whenever it gets used.

I want attention.  I want people to know that asexuality exists.  I want people to understand what asexuality is.  I want people who are asexual to be able to understand and embrace who they are.  I want to talk with others like me.  I want them to know they’re not alone.  I want to know that I’m not alone.  I want attention.  That is why I talk about asexuality.

How To Respond:

  • Disarm the comment by embracing it.  Come right out and say that you are talking about asexuality for attention, because asexuality needs attention.  Tell them why it’s important that people pay attention to asexuality.
  • The “They just want to be victims” crowd are typically trolls that are best ignored.

[Return to Overview]

The Comment Section: I’m Not A Doctor, But I Play One On The Internet

Posted on by
5

[Return to Overview]

The Internet is chock full of people who will freely give medical and psychiatric advice to anyone who comes along, whether they want it or not, and without any regard to silly concepts such as “accuracy”.

When this type of person meets asexuality, they have a field day.  “Why, there are so many things it could be!  Let me diagnose you, who needs a degree?”

Sometimes, the Fake Internet Doctor isn’t a fake doctor of medicine at all.  Occasionally, they’re fake experts in biology or evolution or even environmental science.  I’ve even seen fake doctors of political science exposing the truth behind asexuality!

Regardless of discipline, Fake Internet Doctors all have one thing in common:  A fatal allergy to actual, legitimate research.  They avoid it at all costs, and when you expose them to it, they will simply pretend that it does not exist.

Specific Subclasses:

It’s a psychological problem.  Have you gone to therapy? [#]

Examples:

  • Asexualism seems more like the sexual manifestation of a personality disorder than anything else. I’d say probably schizoid.
  • Usually when someone is disinterested in sex (and does not identify as asexual) it is because of some kind of emotionally/psychologically distressing or traumatic experience(s) with sex.
  • but I also think that a person of reproductive age with absolutely no interest in sex probably has an underlying psychological, emotional or indeed physiological problem to examine.
  • Human beings sometimes have psychological, emotional, or social issues that make them celibate.
  • A good round of therapy would help most of these delusionals.

Why these comments are a problem:

Because asexuality is not a psychological problem or personality disorder.  It is a sexual orientation.

These comments are what’s called “pathologizing”.  Basically, they take something perfectly normal and legitimate, and try to turn it into a disease or disorder of some sort.  If it’s a disorder, there’s something wrong.  If it’s a disease, it’s something curable.

This kind of thinking is highly damaging.  It makes people feel like they’re broken or defective somehow, that they need fixing, even though nothing is actually wrong with them at all.  Often, that feeling of brokenness will gnaw at someone’s thoughts, and can even cause anxiety or depression itself.

Additionally, people try to use various psychological conditions to explain away and invalidate asexuality in people with those conditions.  “Oh, she’s not asexual, she’s just autistic.”  “Oh, he’s not asexual, he’s just schizoid.”  Here’s the thing, though.  If someone is asexual and something else, they’re still asexual.  Even if they’re asexual because of something else, they’re still asexual.

Beyond all of that, the American Psychiatric Association recognizes asexuality and does not consider it a problem or a disorder.  In the DSM-V, it mentions asexuality, and says that if a person is asexual, then they should not be diagnosed with a sexual interest or desire disorder.  In other words, it’s not a problem, nothing’s wrong.

How to respond:

  • Point out that asexuality is not a disease or a disorder.
  • Explain how hurtful and damaging pathologizing asexuality can be.
  • Explain how asexuality can coexist with psychological or physical conditions.
  • If you have a copy of the DSM-V handy, quote it to them.

Go see a doctor and get your hormones checked! [#]

Examples:

  • I wonder if any asexual people have their hormones checked. It could be due to a hormone imbalance rather than just a personality trait.
  • These people need to get their hormones levels checked.
  • I think hormones, especially in women have a lot to do with it.
  • As a physician, my first question is what are their hormone levels? I have found in practice, that people who have low sex hormones obviously have low sex drives.
  • a medical work-up might could help some of them

Why these comments are a problem:

Again, these comments are pathologizing an orientation, making it look like we have a problem that needs to be fixed.

This brand of comment, in particular, is often uttered by “well-meaning” people who are “concerned for our health”.  They tend to get upset when we point out that what they’re doing doesn’t help us at all.  They don’t understand what they’re saying is “You’re not real, you’re a hormone deficiency”.

It’s worth pointing out that while hormones affect sex drive or level of sexual desire or sexual functionality, they don’t really affect who someone is attracted to.  There are numerous reports of asexuals who have started taking testosterone for one reason or another, and while they mention a boost in libido, they say it’s still not pointed at anyone.

In many cases, after someone who is asexual points out that asexuality is not a hormone issue and that their hormones have laboratory tested and shown to be within expected ranges, the conversation changes slightly.  “Well, I wasn’t talking about YOU!  I was talking in general.  Someone else out there might have a hormone problem and think they’re asexual and need to be checked out.  It could be a sign of a brain tumor or something serious.”

Now, certainly, I don’t want someone to die of an undiscovered brain tumor that’s affecting their hormone levels in some way.  Thing is, low hormones or brain tumors generally do not manifest themselves solely as a lack of sexual attraction.  To that end, here are some of the symptoms of things people typically use to discredit asexuality:

Low Hormone Levels:

  • Loss of energy/feeling tired
  • Hair loss, including possibly body/pubic hair
  • Erectile dysfunction
  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Depression or other changes in mood
  • Drop in sex drive
  • Lower strength/lower muscle mass
  • Weight gain/increase in body fat
  • Forgetfulness/memory problems
  • Osteoporosis
  • Insomnia/difficulty sleeping
  • Hot flashes
  • Breast growth/tenderness in men
  • Menstrual irregularity

Brain Tumors:

  • Headache
  • Vision problems
  • Seizures
  • Difficulty speaking
  • Confusion
  • Dizziness
  • Nausea
  • Symptoms of low hormone levels (some listed above), if the tumor affects hormone production
  • Personality changes
  • Memory problems
  • Loss of balance
  • Numbness or tingling

If you’re experiencing some of the symptoms listed above or if your level of interest in sex has suddenly changed, then by all means, it’s a good idea to talk to a doctor about it.  But if you’ve just never really felt sexually attracted to anyone, then you’re probably just asexual and probably don’t need to consult a physician.

How to respond:

  • Explain that asexuality is a sexual orientation, not a “hormone problem”.
  • Provide your hormone test results, if you have them.
  • Provide a list of other symptoms of hormone deficiencies, etc.
  • Explain that the TV show House is not a source of accurate medical advice.
  • Explain how hurtful and damaging pathologizing asexuality can be.

It’s the result of evolution and overpopulation! [#]

Examples:

  • What we see is a divergence of sexual proclivity suggestive of evolution
  • Asexuals are probably not less human. They are less animal. Which must mean they are MORE human. They may be more highly evolved.
  • I’ve always thought that humans would become asexual as we evolved in the next 1,000 or so years.
  • Asexualitly might just be a more advanced state of being.
  • I find myself wondering if this could be a biological reaction to overpopulation.

Why these comments are a problem:

Because they’re pseudoscience junk that makes me weep for the state of science education.

Let me take a step back here…  I don’t want to claim that there is no evolutionary basis whatsoever for asexuality.  There very well might be.  I mean, every living thing is the product of evolutionary selection.  (Although that does not mean that every trait of every living thing is necessarily selected for and optimized by evolution.)  My problem is that the comments I’m describing here don’t actually involve anything remotely approaching science or evolutionary biology.

There are two frequent strains of this nonsense.  In the first strain, the claim is made that asexuals are “more highly evolved” than everyone else.  In the second strain, the claim is made that asexuality is the result of some evolutionary defense against overpopulation.  Let’s dive in, shall we?

The phrase “more highly evolved” is a tip off that something ain’t right.  There’s no hierarchy of evolution levels, where something is more or less evolved.  Evolution doesn’t really care about rankings or supremacy.  It’s about the right adaptations for the environment.  So, while humans might be awesome with our upright walking and opposable thumbs and all that good stuff, we really really suck at surviving off a fumarole at the bottom of the ocean.  Does that make thermophilic giant tube worms more highly evolved than us?  It strikes me that the thinking that asexuality is “more highly evolved” probably comes from a combination of science fiction stories about emotionless aliens and a “sex is bad” brand of religious dogma, and not from, you know, actual scientists.

The overpopulation thing is also ridiculous.  It relies on two false premises:  That the planet is overpopulated and that evolution is instant.  While there are certainly concerns about long-term sustainability, the Earth is not overpopulated at this time.  People generally have enough space to live and enough food to eat.  If overpopulation were the cause of asexuality, you would expect to see high rates of asexuality in areas that are crowded or have recurring famines (Which, BTW, are often the result of greed or wars, not of an actual lack of food), and virtually no asexuality in areas where living area and food are plentiful.  Given the number of asexuals present in places like North America and Europe, I think that claim can be safely refuted.  There’s no widespread shortage of resources for asexuality to be a response to.  Of course, even if the world were over-populated, it would have only reached that point very recently, like within the last generation.  Evolution doesn’t work that fast.  It takes generations for traits to become prominent or get weeded out.  Evolution probably wouldn’t lead to asexuality, it would be more likely to simply favor smaller people who require less food and are less likely to starve to death.  More than likely, though, overpopulation would simply lead to a mass-extinction event that evolution simply won’t have time to account for in any way.

How to respond:

  • Explain that asexuality is not somehow “more evolved”.
  • Explain that asexuality is not the result of overpopulation.
  • Point them at a science textbook.

But…  SCIENCE! [#]

Examples:

  • If you’re asexual, it means you have sex with yourself. It’s in science. Something about bacteria. Or a cell splits itself, into two cells…because it doesn’t need a partner, to produce offspring. So it has sex WITH ITSELF. I learned that in 6th grade science class.
  • Also take a biological anthropology class, try Sex and Gender studies, so you can actually have a clue what the scientist really have to say on the matter.
  • To me, it is interesting because being asexual goes against biology and our innate need to survive through reproduction.
  • Biology 101. Learn it.
  • Unless I forgot my Biology, sex is a necessity to perpetuate a species…..How can you embrace a lifestyle, if embraced by all, would doom the species??????
  • What you’re really at odds with is the FACT that all human behavior is driven by biology derived through millions of years of evolution.

Why these comments are a problem:

Again, weeping for the state of science education.

Here’s the thing you need to understand about science before you ever talk about science:

It describes the world.  It does not dictate how the world must be.

If there’s some accepted scientific theory, and along comes some clear evidence that the theory is incomplete or is wrong, then that theory must be discarded or revised in favor of something better.  Reality always wins in science.

So, let’s say you’re doing research on sexuality.  You’re probably thinking that there’s a lot of people who like people with different parts than their own, there’s a few people who like people with the same parts, and a handful that like both.  So, you interview tons of people.  As you go, you start to notice something.  Here and there, you find people who don’t seem to like any parts at all.  That’s probably not what you expected.

Do you:

a) Ignore them completely.

b) Say that they can’t exist because science doesn’t mention them.

c) Revise your hypothesis to include this unexpected result.

The correct answer is C.  And guess what?  This actually happened!  As Alfred Kinsey was doing his famous study on sexual behavior, he found that a number of people just weren’t into sex at all.  So, when he was devising his famous Kinsey scale that describes sexual orientation, he used the numbers 0 through 6, which covered a range between “Exclusively Heterosexual” (0) and “Exclusively Homosexual” (6), but since he recognized that such a scale didn’t recognize the existence of that group that didn’t really care either way, he added another group for them: “X”.

That “X” represents asexuality.

OH LOOK!  IT’S SCIENCE!

How to respond:

  • Mention the actual, real scientists who do actual, real sciencey things and believe that asexuality is real.  Kinsey’s “X” from the 40’s, Storms’ two dimensional scale from the 80’s, and more modern research by Bogaert, Brotto, and others, all point at the existence of asexuality as a real sexual orientation.  Backed by science.

Asexuality will cause the extinction of the human race! [#]

Examples:

  • Unless I forgot my Biology, sex is a necessity to perpetuate a species…..How can you embrace a lifestyle, if embraced by all, would doom the species??????
  • Since we are supposed to be sexual beings with the purpose of multiplying the species, I submit that anyone who has no sexual attractions is defective.
  • You realize that we are animals and we do procreate?
  • To me, it is interesting because being asexual goes against biology and our innate need to survive through reproduction.

Why these comments are a problem:

Apparently, EVERYONE has to have sex that results in children or WE’RE ALL DOOMED!!  Into the baby factories, everyone!

The world population growth is doing just fine without us, thanks.  Just turn on your favorite Jack & Karen Plus 800 reality show, if you don’t believe me.

By the way, you’re also ignoring the fact that some asexual people do actually have kids.  (Fun fact:  So do some gay people, who you’re also attacking with this line of nonsense.)

How to respond:

  • Using demographic research and population trends, point out that they’re being a total dumbass.
  • Inform them that some asexuals may decide to have biological children.
  • Point out that their logic also condemns anyone who is gay, infertile, sterilized, childfree, or just reliably uses some form of birth control.

[Return to Overview]

The Comment Section: What About Me? ME ME ME!

Posted on by
3

[Return to Overview]

Articles about asexuality tend to bring people out of the woodwork who somehow manage to find a way to take things off-topic and talk about themselves.  Sometimes, it’s a big ego at work, other times, it’s what’s been called a “misfire of empathy”.  At best, it comes off as unwanted, misguided sympathy.  At worst, it’s offensive and insensitive.

Specific Subclasses:

Completely irrelevant to the discussion at hand, but I LOVE sex! [#]

Examples:

  • Just be happy!! :-) I love sex, but I have to say – it is refreshing to see people not give a #$%2 about it!
  • I love sex, but I’m convinced that I could have gone a long way without it.
  • Sex is the very thing that makes me the most [insert positive attribute that matters to me here]. It is an important and significant way I show my love and affection to the woman in my life.
  • Sex is great, yes…
  • Sex is wonderful, specially if you are doing it with someone you love and trust. I respect Asexuals though. Live and let live.

Why these comments are a problem:

At best, it’s irrelevant.

At worst, the way it’s brought up, it sounds like the commenter has to make it clear that they’re not asexual, because that would be absolutely horrible.  I’m not asexual.  I LOVE sex.  There’s nothing wrong with me!

How to respond:

  • If it’s just irrelevant, leave it alone.
  • If it sounds like they’re saying that they love sex so they’re not mistaken for being ace, tear them apart.

I wish I could be asexual!  It would solve all my problems! [#]

Examples:

  • There are thousands of menopausal and post-menopausal women out there who wish they could be asexual. But, alas, we are married and still have to tend to our husband’s needs. Sigh…..
  • I wish I were a-sexual. god, my sex-drive is getting quite annoying after 38 years
  • Lucky those who truly are successfully asexual. I wish i wasn’t so depended on sex as I seem to be.
  • at the risk of offending, being asexual sure seems like it would make life easier…
  • I am not asexual , I am straight but i can see how it would make things easier.
  • I, too, would like to have back all that time that I wasted on sex and its attendant problems.
  • Asexual? Or just smart? Think of all the problems they don’t have spending thier lives chasing after another person. My first spouse cured me of the desire to marry.

Why these comments are a problem:

Asexuality is not some magical cure-all that fixes all your problems.  Asexuals have many of the same problems that non-asexuals encounter.  There are even problems that asexuals are more likely to encounter:

  • Someone who is asexual, particularly those who’ve never discovered that asexuality is A Thing, will often feel broken.  It’s common for asexuals to wonder why they don’t feel the same way about sex as pretty much everyone else, and they’ll often feel alienated and alone.
  • An asexual who is in a relationship with someone who is not asexual (or wants to be) will often encounter difficulties surrounding sex.  The asexual person may not want to have sex as often as their partner, and may not even want to have sex at all.  In many cases, this difference causes numerous problems for the relationship, and can even end up causing the relationship to end.
  • People doubt our very existence.  Can you imagine going through life and having people second guess everything you say, deny your identity, say that you need to be fixed?

How to respond:

  • Explain that asexuality doesn’t solve problems.
  • If you feel comfortable, discuss problems you have encountered because you are asexual.

Oh, that’s so sad. [#]

Examples:

  • Sorry for these folk.
  • Asexuality just seems so sad to me.
  • Whenever I hear about asexuality (and it is a rather rare occurrence), my gut response is one of pity.
  • Never getting your heart broken sounds heartbreaking.
  • I actually feel pity for asexuals. Physical intimacy is fantastic, and I’d find life so dull and empty without it.
  • I think of it as lonely not to express sexuality in a relationship….just sayin.

Why these comments are a problem:

We’re not asking for pity.  We’re asking for understanding.  These people typically don’t attempt to understand, they just look at what they think our lives are missing compared to theirs.

“Oh, they don’t have sex?  I love sex!  They must be sad without sex.”

“Oh, they don’t have relationships?  I love relationships!  They must be lonely without relationships.”

They never stop to ask us if we’re sad.  They never ask us if we feel lonely.  They never try to understand who we are.

Now, that’s not to say that we’re never sad or never lonely.  Certainly, we might feel that way from time to time.  We might even feel sad or lonely because of sex and relationships.  But it’s rarely for the reasons they assume.  And it’s just plain offensive to believe that our lives are wholly consumed by sadness and loneliness because we’re asexual.

How to respond:

  • Tell them you’re not looking for pity.
  • If your life is not a lonely pit of sadness, inform them that your life is not a lonely pit of sadness.
  • Explain how things they think might make you sad or lonely don’t actually make you sad or lonely, because you do not feel the same way about them that they do.

But…  Cute! [#]

Examples:

  • And it’s such a waste! Many of these men are so beautiful!
  • Why are the cute ones always asexual?
  • That guy in top pic is so cute, it’s hard to believe that he doesn’t desire sex with someone. I’ll bet plenty of people have desired to have sex with him!
  • would love to be asexual with him.he is cute
  • BTW. There are a lot of cute asexual guys with whom I wouldn’t mind having a “homoromantic” relationship.
  • Do asexuals appreciate being told how smoking hot they are (because that Dave guy is pretty darn hot)?

Why these comments are a problem:

Unwelcome sexual advances are a problem.

Implying that someone is a “waste” because they are not sexually available (to you) is a problem.

Whether or not you find someone cute or attractive or hot or whatever, that has no bearing on their sexual orientation and is rarely relevant or even appropriate to mention in such a situation.

How to respond:

  • Remind them that “cuteness” does not negate asexuality any more than “ugliness” causes it.  Sexual orientation is independent from looks.
  • Point out that calling someone a “waste” because they won’t have sex (with the commenter) reduces that person to a sexual object, and is an extremely offensive thing to do.  Other people do not exist solely for the commenter’s sexual gratification.

I feel asexual once in a while, too. [#]

Examples:

  • Sometimes I feel like that but then realize it was the drugs.
  • sometimes after spending a weekend drinking and shagging some gal, by Monday I’m only in the mood to sleep…
  • I had a brief period of asexuality. I was never attracted to my own sex. When my ex cheated on me, I declared that I would never have anything to do with women
  • When I was young, I had more than a few bad experiences, sexually and the whole concept turned me off for a long time.
  • I thought I was asexual for a min while living in nyc…turned out I was just going on a bunch of dates with really bad kissers.

Why these comments are a problem:

These sorts of comments are not genuine exploration of one’s identity.  They’re not a sympathetic “You’re not alone” gesture.  No, instead, they’re people flippantly dismissing the concept of asexuality as the result of being in a bad relationship, the result of being worn out from having too much sex (See “I LOVE sex!”, above), or the result of drug-induced impotence.

How to respond:

  • Inform them that asexuality is not a short term, temporary state, but is, in fact, a sexual orientation that often lasts for an entire lifetime.

[Return to Overview]

The Comment Section: So What? Who Cares!

Posted on by
4

[Return to Overview]

One of the most common types of negative comments were the “So What?  Who Cares!” brand of remark.  These comments are so prevalent that I’ve already written a post about why I care in response.  The essence of these comments is that asexuality isn’t anything remarkable, that there’s no point talking about it or trying to raise visibility, because “no one cares that you don’t have sex”.

Now, they’re typically not directly hostile, but they are belittling and dismissive.  What they say is that asexuality isn’t important enough to talk about, that we should all just shut up and hide in the closet our whole lives.  There’s often the implication that asexuality itself doesn’t even need to be a “thing”.

Comments such as these are usually intentionally dismissive.  They’re not innocent, supportive, “I don’t care if you’re asexual.  Whatever you are is fine by me!” comments.  Instead, they’re a direct claim that asexuality is a nothing, it’s unworthy of discussion, and talking about it is a pointless waste of time.  People who make the “Who Cares?” comments do actually care.  They have an opinion about asexuality, and they don’t like it.  If someone truly didn’t care, and didn’t see the point, they wouldn’t say anything at all.  They wouldn’t have even bothered clicking to read the article.

“Who Cares?” also tends to come with a strong dose of misrepresentation.  They’ll frequently equate asexuality to celibacy, and say that no one cares if you don’t have sex.

 

Specific Subclasses:

Don’t shove it down our throats! [#]

Examples:

  • Stop trying to force your agenda on US.
  • Don’t throw it in people’s face and no one will care.

Why these Comments are a problem:

First, it’s a strawman attack.  Instead of having an objection to some actual facet of asexuality, they are objecting to something completely made up.  There’s no forced “Two Minutes of Ace” where everyone has to stand around and watch asexual propaganda.  There aren’t any roving bands of asexual hooligans shouting gestures of platonic affection at complete strangers.  We don’t hang out on the subway handing out leaflets and berating anyone who doesn’t take one.  We’re simply not throwing asexuality in anyone’s face or forcing anything on anyone.

Second, it’s attempt to silence us by making us look excessive and unreasonable.  Just talking about how you feel isn’t some kind of assault.  Just opening up about how you navigate the world when you don’t experience sexual attraction isn’t an unreasonable intrusion into someone’s life.  Having an article written about your orientation isn’t a crime.  All we’re doing is saying, “I would like to be recognized and understood for who I am, and I’m not the only one who feels this way”.  That is not throwing something in someone’s face.

What they mean is “You’re different and I don’t like it, and I don’t like you talking about it”.  The exact same comments have been used for decades to attack gay people and religious minorities and feminists and pretty much everyone else.

How to respond:

  • Given that this is a troll-only comment, it’s probably best to avoid responding.  They’re not going to come around, and it’s such a tired and overused comment in GSRM spaces (and elsewhere) that no one is actually going to take it seriously.

Why does anyone need to label themselves?  Why can’t we all just be “human”? [#]

Examples:

  • Another label for the collectivists to place onto the scales of social justice?
  • oh for gods sake, enough with the labels. good grief
  • I don’t really see any problems with any of this but the need to define and put names on things seems kind of compulsive.

Why these comments are a problem:

Words are important.  They’re how we describe concepts.  They’re how we communicate.  I can say that I’m tall, and you understand something about me instantly.  You take that word away, and I have to fumble around for something of equivalent meaning.  “I’m greater than average height”?  Well, what’s “average height”?  And how much greater?  Not to mention that four letters has become four words.

On top of that, many identity terms are personal.  When someone says that they’re Jewish or Australian, that word is part of who they are.  It’s often deeply ingrained in how they relate to the world.  It’s a complex package of meaning in a deceptively simple container.

“Asexual” is a word that I need.  It’s a word that many others need.  For years, I had no idea what I was, what was wrong with me.  And then, one day, I found a word.  A word that described me.  A word where I belonged.  A word that meant I wasn’t broken.  If you take that away, I am lost and broken again.  Without that word, I am invisible.

To be clear, these comments aren’t people saying, “I wish we didn’t have to have labels.  I wish we could all just be ourselves.”  These are people saying “You do not need that word.  You can’t have it.”  They are attempting to dismiss and delegitimize us.

How to respond:

  • Let the person know how important it is to have a word that describes how you feel.
  • Explain that although they may not see the need for the word themselves, you, personally, need that word.
  • Explain that words are important for communication of abstract concepts.  (This response is often best delivered in full-on snark mode.)

Just don’t talk about it and it will solve all your problems! [#]

Examples:

  • Don’t tell anyone how seldom you have sex and no one will know. Boom. Instant equal standing with your fellow straight people, or gay people, or bi people who have lots of sex.
  • But why talk about it if you’re asexual? And open yourself up to discrimination?
  • Keep it to yourself and it will be a non-factor in your relationships.
  • If you keep who you are to yourself and avoid the wrong people or the wrong expressions of who you are. You shouldn’t have a problem with you are or with other people.
  • If you don’t want to have sex, don’t have sex.  If you don’t go around announcing you are broken, people are much less likely to try and fix you.
  • There’s no excuse for sexual assault for any reason, but as my Mom used to council “Why invite trouble”?
  • I’m curious – how would anyone even know unless an asexual broadcasts it?  They would look like anyone else who is “just not interested” so what provokes the corrective rape?

Why these comments are a problem:

In some sense, these comments boil down to “shut up and go away”.  The people who say this sort of thing aren’t that far away from the “Don’t shove it down our throats!” people mentioned above.  Someone in this camp often will pretend to be more interested in your welfare, but generally, they’re far more interested in keeping you quiet.

In another, far more disturbing sense, these comments are victim blaming.  Whatever bad things happened to you as a result of being asexual, well, you brought them on yourself because you told someone you’re asexual.  Discriminated against?  Well, you shouldn’t have talked about it.  Someone try to “fix” you?  Well, you shouldn’t have announced it.  Were you raped?  Well, what did you think would happen when you went and broadcasted that you’re asexual?

It is not your fault.  You did nothing wrong.  If someone did something to you after you told them you were asexual, they are the ones to blame, they are the ones who did something wrong.  You should not have to hide who you are out of fear of how anyone else will react, and you are not responsible for how they react.

These sorts of comments also incorrectly assume that it’s possible to avoid any kind of issue related to your asexuality, if you just shut up and stay in the closet.  That’s simply not the case.  Problems can crop up whether or not you mention asexuality.  People who make this claim seem to believe that no one ever talks about sex under any circumstances outside of a bedroom.  They completely ignore the potential for awkwardness, exclusion, or even hostility that may arise if someone does not adequately take part in a sexualized discussion.

How to respond:

  • Call out the victim blaming.
  • Talk about problems you’ve encountered because you remained silent about asexuality or withdrew from a conversation about sex because you were asexual.
  • Explain why you need to talk about asexuality and all the benefits you’ve gotten from talking about it.

Why do you need a community about not having sex? [#]

Examples:

  • this asexual stuff annoys me. how can you be a “community” of people who DONT do something. its a bit ridiculous. i dont do indoor wall climbing. im looking to join a club of non indoor wall climbers. its silly
  • If someone chooses not to have sex, that is their prerogative, but are they really a “group”? 
  • I don’t get why this is a thing. Some people aren’t interested in the weather, either.

Why these comments are a problem:

People who question the need for an asexual community invariably try to reduce asexuality to “Not Having Sex”, so they’re flat out wrong to begin with.  Keep in mind that these people cannot be classified as uninformed about asexuality.  In order to click to post a comment, they had to scroll past an article on the subject.  An article that almost certainly stated how asexuality is different than “Not Having Sex”.

From there, they try to minimize or erase any issues that we might face as being absurd, often making a remark like “I don’t knit sweaters, should I start a group for people who don’t knit sweaters?” (Or something equally silly.)  This is an attempt to make us look petty and unreasonable for wanting to talk about ourselves and the issues we face with other people facing similar issues.  They often try to say that not having sex or not being interested in sex isn’t a big deal, that it won’t impact how you live your life or interact with others.  They completely miss how pervasive sex and sexuality are in everyday life, and therefore completely miss how living outside that bubble can affect virtually everything, from trying to find love to watching TV, from interacting with friends and coworkers to going to the doctor.

And underlying all of it is the bizarre misconception that it is fundamentally impossible for people to find a community with others based on something they don’t do.  Apparently, they’ve never heard of vegans, atheists, or people who are straight edge.

How to respond:

  • Remind the commenter that asexuality is not equivalent to “Not Having Sex”.  Directly quote from the article if possible.
  • Talk about why you need a community.  Talk about how it’s helpful to discuss how you feel with others who feel the same way.  Talk about how alienating it is to feel broken and alone because of the way you experience sex and sexuality differently from other people.

Aren’t there more important things to talk about? [#]

Examples:

  • Why do people have to “join” or “celebrate” any type of sexuality?  Just live your lives….aren’t there more important issues to be concerned with?
  • May I offer two solutions, if indeed the asexuals find themselves “harrassed” by us?  Mount Athos is one, and a Carmelite convent, another.  Let us work, in the meantime, on far more important rights.
  • Maybe if people stopped trying to shove it down other people’s throats with parades, rallies, blogs, bumper stickers, etc., we could all focus on more important things than who wants to have sex with whom. Or, in this case who doesn’t want to have sex with whom.

Why these comments are a problem:

People who say things like this are trying to make themselves the one true arbiter of what is worthy of discussion.  If you’re going to be allowed to talk about anything, you have to run it past them first.  If there’s something More Important™ to talk about, you don’t get to bring up what you want to talk about.  And because asexuality isn’t important to them, we have to shut up and go home.  This is simply another silencing tactic, designed to shut us down.

In many cases, these commenters will point to something More Important™ that needs to be discussed.  They make it seem like there’s a limited number of words that can be used, and that if you’re not talking about something More Important™, then you’re wasting those words.  They also make it seem like only one thing can be discussed at one time, and that everyone in the world must only discuss that one thing until it is resolved.  These claims are, of course, ridiculous.

By talking about asexuality, you are not making an implicit claim that it is the Most Important™ thing in the world.  You’re not restricting yourself and others to only ever talk about asexuality to the exclusion of anything else ever again.  You are simply saying that it is worth talking about, because it is worth talking about.

How to respond:

  • Talk about why talking about asexuality is important to you.
  • Remind them that the number of words is not finite.  Talking about one issue does not prevent another issue from being discussed or being considered important.
  • Remind them that just because something is not important to one person, that does not mean cannot possibly be important to anybody else.
  • Avoid comparisons or claims that say that asexuality is More Important™ than something else.

TMI!! This is too personal to talk about.  Can’t you keep it to yourselves? [#]

Examples:

  • I admit I did not read this whole article.  But just from the headline alone, I can see this is TMI.
  • Gay, straight or non-sexual, KEEP IT TO YOUSELF!  I don’t want to see it on the 5:00 O’Clock news.
  • Why does anyone have to share so much about their “personal” stuff?  Keep it to yourself and go about your business….no one needs to know.
  • What ever happened to modesty, humility and self respect?  Why do some people have such a need to air their sexuality, or lack thereof, especially if it’s outside of what’s considered “normal” by a majority of humans? 
  • Why should anyone other than the one you meet who is like minded even know that you are asexual? That’s personal business.

Why these comments are a problem:

These are just another variant of the “Don’t Shove It Down Out Throats” comments.  In this case, however, they add another layer of shame, with their faux “Oh my stars!  How dare you use those words around my pure ears?  I was almost overcome by the vapors!” protests.  They carry the implication that your identity is not fit to be seen in public.  Like many of the other comments in the “Who Cares” group, this is simply an attempt to keep us quiet.  If they were actually offended or thought that it was too much information, they would not have clicked on the article, and certainly wouldn’t have hung around for the comment section.

How to respond:

  • Ignore the claims of “TMI!”.  Those people are generally beyond hope.
  • Tell them that it is up to you to decide what is “too personal” to share with others.
  • Talk about how important asexual visibility and being open about who you are is to you and others.

Why define yourself by your sex life? [#]

Examples:

  • Why has what people do or don’t do in their sex lives become the main identifier of their personality in public?
  •  it’s weird for people to define themselves by their sexuality
  • Your sexual preference does not define who you are as a human being and shouldn’t be the focal point of your existence and primary source of your happiness.

Why these comments are a problem:

Because we don’t define ourselves by our sex lives.

How to respond:

  • Inform the commenter that you don’t define yourself by your sex life.
  • Talk about how asexuality is a part of who you are, but it is not who you are.
  • Condescendingly and snarkily, explain that in an article where asexuality is a focus, you’re obviously going to focus on asexuality, because talking about volcanic arcs related to subduction zones would be irrelevant.  Explain that’s how articles work.  Then start talking, at length, about volcanic arcs related to subduction zones.

[Return to Overview]