Q: How do aces/aros identify a lack of something? Without ever having known that something personally, I’m finding it difficult in my neverending journey of questioning myself.

I looked around at what everyone else was talking about, how they felt, what they were interested in, and realized that I had never felt what they were talking about.

Being a guy, and hanging around with other guys, the topic of “hot women” tends to come up once in a while.  Eventually, I just sort of realized that I never was interested in anyone they mentioned.

That actress is hot?

That model is hot?

That figure skater is hot?

That waitress is hot?

That coworker is hot?

The first few times, maybe they’re pretending, but not when this consistently happens year after year, person after person.  There was just no way that such a grand conspiracy involving pretty much every man I’d ever met would be possible.  So they had to be feeling something.

While I could reasonably accurately identify whether or not someone else would think someone was hot, no one ever triggered my own hotness sensor.  Discovering that “hotness” was not a concept that made intrinsic sense to me went a long way towards identifying that lack.

In a way, it’s sort of like detecting a black hole.  You can’t actually see it, but you can detect its effects, and so you can infer whether or not a black hole exists at a given place based on the presence or absence of these effects.

Q: Since you discovered what asexuality was, and came to understand what it meant for you, have you ever felt conflicted about it? I read your answer earlier about having been in a relationship previously, it came across that you were okay with it ending, and you mentioned that it just didn’t fit right. I was just wondering if at any point you found yourself wishing that you felt differently, wishing that you wanted it, even though you were/are fine being single and asexual?

At the time that relationship ended, I didn’t know that I was asexual.  In the following years, I did have the “Why don’t I care about sex/what’s wrong with me?” moments.  Those episodes went away when I discovered asexuality, though.

Last year, however, in the situation with the prospective relationship that didn’t even start, I did sort of want to feel differently.  Not really for my sake, though.  Not like I felt broken or wanted to be different, but that I didn’t want to hurt her.  I liked her, she was fun to be around, but I just wasn’t interested in a relationship, and I knew that was a disappointment, I knew that hurt her.  I wished that could have been different.

Q: You’ve talked publicly about a lot of sexually explicit issues. How did you get to be so comfortable doing that?

Honestly, I have no idea.

In some ways, there’s the anonymity.  That helps a lot.

In other ways, I don’t believe that those sorts of things should be as taboo as they are.

I also think that I don’t look at those issues the same way most other people do.

But I think the biggest reason is that I’ve forced myself to do it.  On a number of those topics, pretty much no one was talking about them, yet many people were curious about them.  It seemed like someone needed to talk about them, and since I was already talking about other things, why shouldn’t I talk about them?

Q: Any movies or books with ace characters in them? Do you have a fav?

There are several lists floating around, of varying completeness and accuracy.  Here’s one.  And another.  And another. [ht Siggy]

I would very much like to see a website dedicated to making a comprehensive list of asexual people (Fictional and notable real people), which applies consistent standards when classifying them as asexual or not (Or “Demisexual”, “Gray-Asexual”, “Likely asexual” or “Probably not”, etc.), and lays out the evidence (“On page 32, Character A explicitly comes out.  [excerpt]” or “Celebrity B claimed to be asexual in an interview, but has since taken it back, and it’s clear that she was just trying to be controversial with the reporter in the original interview, so she’s not.”).  I’ve seen far too many “Asexual People” lists that are full of headcanon, baseless speculation, and inaccurate information.

Unfortunately, I don’t have enough time or energy to try to run a third website…  It doesn’t look like anyone else is going to do it, though, so maybe I need to get it started, then hand it off to someone else.

In any case, I’d have to say that my favorite unconfirmed, but likely fictional asexual would be Sherlock Holmes.

Q: Well this is kinda weird to ask but it’s more for advice. I’m a teen girl who has has crushes in the past and the thing is that even though I crush on guys the thought of sex repulses me. I’ve been told multiple times I’ll grow out of it but at this point I’m 16 and nothing’s changed. Do you think I may be asexual?

I’m not terribly good at advice…

Anyway…

Asexuality is about a lack of sexual attraction, not about feeling repulsed by sex.  Certainly, there are many sex-repulsed aces (and many of them cite their repulsion as being a strong factor in why they identify as asexual), but there are also many sex-repulsed non-aces.  Sex repulsion alone is not the determining factor of asexuality.  I’ve heard of people who thought they were asexual because of strong repulsion, but once they separated their repulsion from attraction, or overcame their repulsion in some way, they realized that they were actually sexually attracted to people, it’s just that the repulsion was masking it.

So, the question really boils down to attraction.  Are you sexually attracted to these guys?  If you could remove whatever negative feelings you have about the act from the picture, how would you feel?

Also, have you looked into romantic attraction or romantic/affectional orientations at all?  You might want to read up on them and see if that helps you sort things out.

On the other point:  By 16, the “you’ll grow out of it” argument is pretty weak.  Pretty much everyone who’s going to feel sexual attraction would have felt it by then.  Certainly, it can’t be ruled out, but it’s unlikely.

Q: Are women more or less interested because you’re asexual? Some women want to be loved for their personalities rather than their bodies so i feel like they would be fine with your asexuality? But then again….

I really can’t say.  To date, there have only been two women who have declared their feelings towards me.  One was not a fan of my asexuality (I didn’t know I was asexual at the time), while the other is actually ace herself.  I think some other women have tried flirting with me, but flirt slides off me like water off a duck’s back, so…

I’ve also never approached a woman with romantic intent, so I have no idea how that would work out.

Q: I think I might be some variant of ace but I’m not really sure and I guess my ask is how does one really know if they’re ace and is asexuality something that can come later in life? I’m not sure if I just didn’t let myself see it as an option before or if I’m just different now. it’s weird and fuzzy and vague. the only thing I know for sure is that I’m really happy that I don’t have to have sex

Since it’s a feeling, you sort of know the same way you know you like mint chocolate chip ice cream or don’t like whatever’s on Channel 7 on Wednesdays.  It’s just kind of how it is.

More seriously, though, there really isn’t a way to know for sure 100%.  You can have a pretty good idea, but you’ll never be able to say with 100% certainty that you’re absolutely definitely asexual and there’s no chance of anything else.  99%, sure, but there simply isn’t any way to know that the right person isn’t hiding behind the next tree.  However, having said that, a straight guy can never be 100% certain that the right man isn’t hiding behind the next tree, either.  Most people just accept this uncertainty and go with what feels right at the moment.

By saying that you’re asexual, you’re not locking yourself into a 10 year commitment you can’t get out of.  If you discover that you weren’t actually asexual after all, there’s no early termination fees.

Regardless of whether or not you’re asexual, you don’t have to have sex if you don’t want to.  Some people aren’t fans of sex, and that opinion isn’t limited to just aces.

As far as coming to it later in life, I discovered asexuality at 31.  (Although that may or may not constitute “later in life” to you…)  Before that time, I thought I was just not very good at being straight.  There were some women who set off my “She Looks Nice” detector, but there was never a sexual component.  When I did have sex, it was because the opportunity had presented itself, and was driven more by curiosity than by any kind of urges or innate desires.  But that was enough for me to think I was straight, because I wasn’t aware of any other classifications that would fit me.  When I discovered asexuality, I didn’t change, but my understanding of who I was did.